A Long Update

It’s been a while since I blogged, more recent than August as the blog would imply, I deleted the last post for reasons I don’t remember. My memory has been terribly affected by ECT; I’ve forgotten people’s names, which has proved very embarrassing on a number of occasions and I can’t remember most things I’ve done over the last few years, fine details are especially difficult to recall. I have trouble making new memories even now about two months after my maintenance treatments have stopped. I feel stupid, I know I’m not, as my uni marks attest – I had another very good semester, although I was only studying one subject.

I’ve had a few hospital admissions lately, the last one ending only a week ago, that was only a four day admission for observation. Apart from those four days and a couple before going in I’ve been very well for the last six weeks. I’m off all medication except Largactil, which I take only when I need it – that is about once a week. My psychiatrist thinks medication has done me more harm than good, he’s quite surprised by the result of taking me off it all and so am I. I haven’t been happy by any means but I’ve been less suicidal, the temptation to self harm has been minimal and I’m just generally okay.

A couple of months ago my house mates and I received a letter from the real estate agent asking us to move out within 120 days, no reason was given. We had no bad inspections and always paid our rent on time so I suspect the landlord just wanted the house back. I’m now living with my parents again until I find somewhere else back in the East. I’m grateful that I’m welcome at my parents house when I’m too sick to care for my self or when I have nowhere else to go (or anytime really), but it’s hard living here; I’m far away from nearly all of my friends and getting to church takes 45 minutes. I missed a Christmas eve party and the 11pm Christmas eve carols service thanks to the distance and not feeling like the drive. My good friend R and her husband let me stay with them for a few days this week just to have a rest from the chaos of my parents’ house and to be near friends and church; it turned out that I didn’t catch up with any friends while I was there but it was still a nice time. R came with me to inspect a Christian share house on Saturday, the people were lovely but the house was too old for my liking. I don’t think I’d feel comfortable there, It’s a shame because I’d love to live with fellow Christians and I can’t seem to find anything through my church or a couple of bigger ones whose message boards I’ve had a look at. I hope I find somewhere suitable soon I really miss being close to everything.

(After a three hour break)

I just got back from L’s house, my first visit to where she is now living. It was a great night, lovely to see her. I need to start seeing friends more often and doing things in general. I get very bored sitting at home all day, I’ve been filling my time by reading and watching bad television. I’ve thought about getting a job since my health is so much better but I think it’s a bit too soon into my wellness to be doing that, more hospitalisations could be needed, after all I’ve only been out a week since my little admission and it’s only been six weeks since I’ve been generally well. I expect the good health to continue but it is still early days. There’s also the location to consider; if I get a job near my parents for convenience now and then move I’ll regret it and if I get one in the East and I can’t find a house over there for a long time I’ve got a lot of driving on my hands for a while. There’s also the risk that I’ll get accepted into a graduate diploma in education and will have to quit the job or beg for flexible hours. Oooo, I haven’t mentioned that yet… A few weeks ago I applied for that course, I found a uni which has the 12 month course and offers drama as a specialisation, I’ve applied to study part time, so it will actually take me two years but that’s better than the four years it would take me to do the two year course that seems to be everywhere else. Sadly I don’t think I’ll get into the course because I had to put in a very late direct application rather than going through VTAC. The uni offers places to VTAC applicants first and then if there are any left they look to the direct applicants. Not only do I have the lateness against me but my academic record from my undergrad is terrible, I was lazy and sick and so it took me six years to do a three year course and most semesters I was enrolled in four subjects, that means I failed or withdrew from about half of them!

I don’t have anything else to write about, well I can’t remember anything else to write about, there’s probably a lot I’ve forgotten which people are probably surprised I haven’t shared. Oh well, I have to cope with the poor memory and hope it gets better. If my Christian readers could pray for that I’d be appreciative and also that I get into the course, I really need something to fill my time and I think drama teaching would be a good career choice for me it would provide a stable job and I’d get to be creative, I’m good with youth too which is kind of necessary!

ECT maintenance # 2

Tomorrow will be my second maintenance ECT treatment, I feel like I need it. My mood has been declining a little each day and I think that that little spark will pick me up. On top of low mood I've felt completely empty, this is a typical borderline trait which I think is exacerbated by my unemployment and low study load. I've seen one friend this week for a lunch catch up and been to my parents to drop off my dog, other than that I've done nothing. I've just watched a few videos on youtube about ECT, I was curious to see what happened during the procedure, how visible the seizure is, what the doctors do while you're asleep and how long you're out for etc. I think it's different in Australia to the USA, although one of the videos was a little old and things have probably changed since then, it was still performed under anaesthetic but it looked primitive. ECT seems to be working for me, I need the weekly maintenance because my mood doesn't hold for the whole week, but I felt better for a few days after the last treatment and more so during and after the main treatments. The hope is that my mood will continue to improve to the point where the maintenance can be dropped down to fortnightly treatments, I currently don't have faith in that being enough to hold me, but maybe in the future. The only down side to ECT is the effect it's had on my memory, I've been embarrassed on a number of occasions where I can't remember peoples names, places I've been to often and times of events. Tonight I have bible study, I've already had to ask the address but I now need to ask the time, at least I don't have to pretend I know what's going on when I get there because I haven't been since prior to my hospital admission and they'll be studying something different now.

I made the decision to give up my dog on Tuesday as he's been destroying my house every time I leave him alone, I'm pretty sure it's separation anxiety. At my parents he still gets anxious but there's usually someone home, there's more chance with three of them living there and on the occasions he is left alone he's put outside and he can't destroy the window frames as he tries to get inside like he does at my house because my parents aren't wooden like mine. He can't be left inside or in/out with a dog door because he destroys things in the house. I hope my parents decide to keep him, I wouldn't like him to go to a strangers home where I'll never see him again. It's a shame I've had to give him up, he encouraged me to exercise and provided company when home alone, which is a lot at the moment because my new housemate stays out most nights and I don't have a second housemate yet so I'm alone all day, which is fine, but then at night I get a little scared because it's so quiet. I'm interviewing someone for the spare room this afternoon and another person on Sunday, they both sounded lovely on the phone so I hope one of them takes the room.

Awake

Guess who's out of hospital. Me!
My doctor wanted me to stay with my parents for a couple of days, so here I am in the West. It's very inconvenient because I'm interviewing people to fill the remaining spare room in my house. I wish I could turn back time and do whatever I could to keep my two previous housemates, my new one is great, very laid back and easy to get along with but it's proving difficult to fill the remaining room, I've even had a couple of fraudsters from overseas saying they'll take it and asking for addresses to send cheques to, I don't know what they'd do after that but I guess it's some means of getting bank account details. I've got the room paid for until the 15th of August, after that I'm totally screwed.

I'm having my first maintenance ECT on Friday, I'm actually looking forward to it - sick I know, but I love the feeling of the anaesthetic taking effect, I can empathise with Michael Jackson's addiction, though I don't think 10 minutes a week is going to develop into a full addiction...

This is the latest I've been up in months, being out of hospital has produced difficulty sleeping, last night was a fairly late one too, nothing like this though (it's currently 1:46am) I'm currently listening to the cats playing and wondering what else I can write about - uni! that'll do. I missed class last week due to my hospitalisation, I'll make it this week but I'm very behind and it's only week three. We're supposed to hand in a script idea this week, I've got nothing and I need at least a distinction average so I can later switch into research. 2:08am

I've been thinking lately that I'd really like a new boyfriend, someone to share this shit with, someone to create new non-shit memories with and generally share life. I'm sick of being alone. I hope I don't have to wait until I've lost my 30kg of drug weight before someone will look at me twice. I've learnt a lot in the last few years of singleness and looked back on my previous relationship and seen many of the mistakes I made. I think I could make a good girlfriend now. 2:19am

Right now I can't sleep and I feel frustrated and hopeless, I want to take every pill in this house, which is a lot, and includes cancer drugs but I'm being a good girl and abstaining from anything that will send me back to hospital (or the grave)

Sorry for an unexciting post, I just felt like writing. 2:34am

Fright

I know I said I wasn't posting anymore but I feel like I have no outlet without the blog. My parents now know about it thanks to a friend telling my mum, she had my best interests at heart though. So because my parents know about it you can expect me to be a little less candid, I've never been very open with them and I'm not about to start now.

I'm back in hospital having more ECT, this time I'll be having maintenance which means that once a week to once a fortnight I'll go to the hospital for one session, it will be done as an outpatient so I don't have to stay over once a week or anything.

I'm having a tough time at the moment, both of my housemates decided to move out, my overdose is at least partly responsible, I scared them off. No one wants to come home to a corpse and I think that's what concerns them. So basically I totally fucked up by taking that last overdose. I don't think I'll take another one for the purpose of being unconscious. There are other reasons to do it, but I don't feel that way at the moment. Because of this situation I'm pretty depressed and I have the classic borderline hollowness, it's like being filled with air with nails floating around inside you and occasionally one of those nails pierces an organ or bangs into the abdominal wall causing a sharp pain. There is not one positive emotion in me, I suppose I have to take ownership of the borderline label since I embody it. I can't get in to DBT until January so I'm stuck being a crazy borderline until then.

If you can please visit me, we can go down the street to a nice cafe, it doesn't need to be a boring hospital visit. I get pretty lonely, there's one girl who talks to me in passing and L is there but she wants some space. So visitors would be grand.

Goodbye

This blog worries people too much, it was supposed to be an outlet for me and my (often) dark thoughts and feelings. I think it's time for it to come to an end. If anyone is concerned about me just ask and I'll be honest unless I don't think you really want the truth.

Goodbye.
K.

Shared Care

I made it through Monday night all by my self, but the same can't be said for yesterday. I cut my arm and took a reasonable sized overdose, sadly it wasn't enough for me to lose consciousness but it did sedate me and make the afternoon / night fly. I may have drifted off, but the nurses said nothing about it. I don't remember blood being taken, which apparently they did, so maybe I did drift off. Mum has forced me to stay with them for a couple of days until I'm back on my feet, probably a good idea since I'm not walking too straight or breathing very well.

I saw my psychiatrist this afternoon, he'd received a report from the hospital I went to detailing what I'd taken and my psych assessment; he's decided it's time for me to have a case manager, I'm not yet sure what this will involve, they were supposed to contact me this afternoon but haven't. But basically my psych wants my care to be shared between him, the case manager, my psychologist and my outreach worker, oh and he wants me to do DBT which I'm more than a little disappointed about, I thought we'd got past the borderline diagnosis. He's also decided to stop prescribing PRN medications (medications I take when I need them) since they're the ones I abuse, this will make life very tough when I do really need them and will in turn increase my self harm, not a wise move.

I am Woman Hear me Cry

I'm just hanging on at the moment, today has been a big one. I had my psychiatrist appointment at 10, he decided to keep me out of hospital if possible but I'm seeing him again on Wednesday - he's too expensive to see that often - and he's referred me to the women's mental health service because he suspects there's some hormonal shit going on. The women's mental health service actually looks good, I went to their website today to see what to expect; they are a team of two female psychiatrists who do a consult of an hour minimum and try to get to the bottom of why you have these problems and then write a big meaty letter back to your referring doctor offering suggestions, basically they're a specialised second opinion service. I got back from my appointment to find L packing, she's now back in hospital after a rapid decline in her own mental state in the last couple of weeks but especially in the last few days. I'm not so self centered that I think it's my fault, I just hope me being home from hospital hasn't put undue stress on her, I've only been out five days and now she's gone.

I don't know what to do with myself tonight, I want to behave and not worry people and leave my body alone but I have enough meds for an overdose and they are shouting my name. I also have sharps and the temptation is there to use them. I need more friends who I'm comfortable asking to come over and hang at a moments notice. If anyone wants to come over tonight you're very welcome we can watch a DVD and eat chocolate.

Rattle and Dice

Well here I am, awake at 6:43am. I actually woke at 4 something, tried getting back to sleep, tried Ulysses - I'm not actually reading that to force sleep, I want to read it - and now I'm drinking rooibos and vanilla tea and recovering from brushing Rico (the dog), I couldn't find the muzzle so it had to be done very carefully.

I'm seeing my doctor in a few hours and I don't expect him to be dancing around the room with joy upon hearing what I've got to say. My hobbies of the last few days have consisted of not sleeping, staring at walls, yelling at Rico, snapping at my mum and eating very little due to complete loss of appetite and feeling unwell. I was going to take a small overdose yesterday (it's all I have) but then mum called wanting to go out for lunch (Rico had mine). I went to church zoned out for most of it and then went across the road to Safeway to buy some sharps and dressings, then God showed up in the form of two of my closest friends (they're married to each other) from church. I bumped into them at the register and before I had time to hide the contents of my basket I'd been found out. They were gracious enough not to say anything there and instead invited me over for dinner; I accepted, it seemed like a better offer than going home and slicing up my arm, plus I like them. We hung out for a couple of hours, talked about my failed admission and they gently raised the razors issue. I should have agreed to leave them there, but I was in the mindset of needing just to have them in my possession. They prayed for me, God got lots of prayers about me yesterday because a bunch of people met up before church to pray for me too. I know it may seem like it doesn't work but I'd say bumping into those two last night was an answer to prayer for my safety and I'm yet to see the results of their prayers.

My friends drove me home because my vision had gone very blurry, once here I got ready for bed and intended to go straight there, the razors got in the way (sorry friends) I went a little overboard but nothing requiring stitches. I then got a few hours sleep and have now given up on the idea. If this continues I might teach myself Latin, I wouldn't know where to begin, but it would open up a whole literary world to me. I'm furious that I'm too dumb to read Ulysses (James Joyce's this is), well it's not that I'm too dumb, I just haven't had the right education. If my school English teacher were reading this she would say that I couldn't even get a firm grasp of English let alone Latin. My old school teaches it now, too late for me but I'm glad they saw the need for it.

I don't know what else to write, I seem to be angering people with my posts lately and I fear I've overlooked something with this one which will cause someone greif. I'm sorry but please remember what I've got to work with at the moment, a severely depressed, sleep deprived and hungry (although not feeling it, but I must be) body

Home

It's been a while since I last wrote, as a consequence for self harming in hospital the nurses kicked me out of my private room and made me share. I don't share well, I'm an intensely private person and I need to be in control of the noises surrounding me, this is impossible in a shared room especially when the room mate likes to watch TV, my second room mate (I moved twice) really felt the cold and had the heater on full constantly, that wasn't the worst part though, she used a heat pack because she was really really cold, she over heated the pack and it smelled strongly of soggy wheat. She was very nice and would have been good to share with if it wasn't for the smell and heat.

This is day two out of hospital and I've succeeded in freaking out my housemate/friend L by going out without telling her when I wasn't supposed to be driving at all until tomorrow. I'm used to having housemates who don't give a damn about me, not friends who'd actually care if I went missing so it didn't even cross my mind to leave a note or keep my phone with me. I don't like to be shackled to my phone, I'm not its slave, though sometimes it would be better if I was.

A bunch of people from my church met up before the service on Sunday to pray for me, both for my mental health and spiritual health and I think it's worked. I've been praying a lot more and feeling for people; I've also been a lot more emotional but I think that's the ECT's fault. I've cried at things that really aren't sad, smiled at things that previously wouldn't even turn my head and I find myself choked up several times a day at only slightly emotional things, it's refreshing to feel emotion on this level, but I hope it doesn't last, I don't want to be a big ball of emotion.

I was in hospital for 10 weeks and 1 day, I'm very glad to be out, but I feel a little lost...

One Bad Girl

This has been a bad week, I have been self harming in here - something you're really not supposed to do unless you want to get sent to a public hospital. I can't remember if I got caught or if I confessed the first two times, but I'm now on my last chance to stay here and I've now blown it twice (they don't know that). On Tuesday I was feeling angsty and made a rash decision to go out and buy razor blades, they were used immediately when I returned and then again today. I've been wearing long sleeves (and pants) and no one has noticed yet, the ECT people saw it though because I need short sleeves for them to get to veins and take my blood pressure etc, they let out a collective gasp but thankfully said nothing to the nurse who picked us up. Last week and the week before I broke some crockery and used that... Earlier this year I went a few months without self harming at all, I guess I wouldn't be in hospital if I was entirely well, so I can't expect myself to behave perfectly, but playing with the risk of being sent public is just stupid. I would be sent to the hospital nearest my home, the awful one I posted the pictures of last year complete with blood on the curtains and holes in the walls, not good for someone who's terrified of asbestos (I know it's not generally in walls, but I still freak out when I see anything that might be it that's damaged) also they might decide not to continue my ECT.

At the moment I'm not on any antidepressant, my only drugs are Abilify - a antipsychotic, Largactil - another antipsychotic and imovane -a sleeping tablet. My doctor is weighing up whether to put me on Reboxetine or a drug in a class called MAOI (monoamine oxidase inhibitors), if he chooses MAOI I have to follow a strict diet with the worst things being no wine, no aged cheese and no cured meats, making pizza a boring affair, but the rest of the list is massive. Reboxetine doesn't have a very good reputation, basically it doesn't work so I'm expecting a MAOI unless he's thought of something brilliant since yesterday.

I thought I'd made a friend in here - R who I'm having ECT with, but tonight she organised an activity and treats for a bunch of people and I wasn't one of them; I feel a little disappointed, not at missing the activity, but at not being asked to join especially when I invited her out for coffee earlier in the day. Visitor numbers have been low, so it would have been nice to have a friend here, there's only so much you can talk about with your mother, she's my main visitor. The husband of one of mum's work colleagues is in here, mum keeps seeing her because they're both visiting at the same time - small world. Tomorrow (hopefully) my minister is coming, I have a barrage of questions for him about eternity and suicide, he may not want to answer then lest he encourages me to follow through with it, but I can try. I'd appreciate the visit without having my questions answered anyway, I feel very disconnected from the church, I've now been here 8 weeks and 1 day.

I think the nurses here have caught the craziness, they're currently laughing and wishing one another happy new year, I'm not aware of any new years in May/June.

My First Bilateral ECT

Today was my first bilateral ECT, bilateral meaning one electrode is placed on each temple, rather than both on the one side. The ritual was the same one I've been doing for the last three weeks with the trial - I was having MST by the way - I arrived at the hospital and waited for about 20 minutes, then one of the researchers came to take us up stairs, R went in first and I waited again. About 15 minutes later I went in and got hooked up to all the monitoring equipment, in went the unusually painful cannula and then something different happened, the doctor (B) wet both of my temples, it was a little disconcerting but before I could think about it too much I was asleep. I woke with a headache, sore jaw and no idea what day of the week it was. I haven't noticed any confusion since then, I don't know if the memory loss builds up as you have more treatments or if the first one is a pretty good indicator of what to expect. I've been more tired today than I was most days with the MST, I think I had a bit more anesthetic though as it was quite a while later when I woke properly.

My doctor (G) came to see me this evening and he had some interesting news, my genetic medication test finally came back. I think I wrote about it but I'll refresh you; it's a test to see how I metabolise drugs, whether I hyper metabolise, don't at all or if I'm normal. There are several categories the drugs fall into, I metabolise all but one normally, the other category I can't metabolise and lucky me - Cymbalta is in that. G said that explains why I'm having side effects even at a very low dose and that he'd like to take me off it and start me on another one as soon as possible but he's not sure if I'm still part of the ECT/MST trial even though I'm un-blinded, if I'm still part of the trial he can't make any drug changes until it's over, that would suck because then I'll probably need to be in here longer while he builds me up to a treatment dose of the new drug. I'm definitely not ready to go home now, but I'd hope that after six ECT treatments (and nine MST) I will be so I really hope I can start the new drug soon.

I've been given permission to stay out a little later on Sunday so I can go to church but I'm not sure if I will. Everything is such a huge effort, I have no ability to concentrate (you wouldn't believe how long writing this has taken and how many interruptions there have been) and I'm just not sure if I want to go, it was G's idea, not mine but I feel like I should go. Increasingly I'm thinking that I'm really not much of a Christian at all and it only bothers me when I think of death, sure that's a lot, but I should be more concerned about my faith than just my eternal destination.

Seven Weeks

Today is my seven week hospital anniversary, this is now my longest admission and there are still another two weeks to go at least. I finished the ECT/MST trial today, tomorrow I'll be told what I had and what the next step is. I want bilateral ECT regardless of what I've been having. Whatever I had made very little difference and I think that calls for the big guns - not that what I've been doing is child's play. I suspect I've been having MST because it hasn't worked and I've had no memory loss, normally the next step from MST is unilateral ECT. I want to go straight to bilateral because it's more effective faster and my doctor says the longer I'm this depressed the harder it will be to get me out of it. I'm still really struggling to do anything at all, I'm only writing this now because my nurse told me to write and try to distract myself from the suicidal thoughts which have plagued me tonight, basically I see death as the natural end to all this, I have little hope of ECT working for me because I have bad luck. I know that sounds like I've given up and that makes it not working all my fault but there's more to it than that, part of this disgusting illness is feeling both hopeless and helpless.

A little while ago I had 100mg of Largactil and 1mg of Lorazepam, they're working and that means it's time for me to stop writing before this becomes nonsense.

More tomorrow when I know what treatment I've been having.

Waiting

Thank you to the person who left a comment a few days ago re exercise, seeds etc. I couldn't publish it because you put my name in it - not everyone here knows who I am and I don't want future employers googling me and finding this, so my name is nowhere to be found (unless I’ve overlooked something!).

I haven't written for a while, my mood hasn't allowed me to do much except stare at walls; I've played the occasional computer game and watched a couple of shows, but mostly I sleep or doze. Last night sucked, I was struggling with harmful thoughts, I had the medication which helps with that as well as my sleeping tablets but the thoughts were too strong and kept me up until 3am. The situation was made worse by the nurse telling me that if I didn't feel better I couldn't go to have my treatment in the morning - which only resulted in me suffering in silence and then lying to the morning nurses, telling them that I felt fine, when really I was being plagued by self harm thoughts and low mood. I told my doctor tonight that I didn't appreciate them threatening not to let me go to get a treatment just because I express symptoms of the illness requiring the treatment. He said that he trusts me to make my own risk assessments and that if I think I'm safe to go, then I should be able to go and if it happens again I have a note from him in my file to point to. I needed nursing support last night but I couldn't get it, having to instead pretend that everything was fine. Hopefully it won't happen again.

You may be curious about how the ECT/MST trial is going... Shit! They say it's early days, I can have up to 15 treatments and I only had my 6th today. There has been no change, even some regression. I came very close to a suicide attempt on Monday and am plagued by almost constant suicidal ideation and self harm thoughts - the visions, not just thoughts. The treatment its self is fine, the worst part is having no water from midnight to 11am three days a week. The two days after the first treatment I was very sore head to toe, swallowing was particularly painful, that went away after two days and hasn’t come back, everyone says the first one is bad like that. I was very surprised to wake up with no headache, no memory loss and just a sore throat. The others have been even less eventful except the second one where I woke up before the muscle relaxant had wore off and I couldn’t breathe very well – they had it under control though, today I woke up with some gadget in my mouth to help me breathe, I was a bit slower coming out of the anaesthetic today. I’m no longer the only one from this hospital in the trial, so there are now two of us in the taxi to the hospital where the trial is, and I have someone to talk to while I wait, although she went before me today so I had to kill 20 minutes sitting on a couch in the coldest corner of the hospital!

I haven’t proof read this because I’ve already had my sleeping tablets and they’ve well and truly kicked in. Good night. Please come and visit me if you can, I’m here for possibly another three weeks and visitors help get me out of my head even if it is for a short time.

My First ECT (or MST)

I was supposed to have my first treatment on Wednesday but it was delayed because at the last minute the anesthetist decided he wanted to have my asthma assessed, it was fine. So this morning at 8am I jumped into a taxi with a nurse and headed to the hospital conducting the trial, by 9am I was signing the consent form giving them the right to electrocute me causing a seizure. Within minutes of signing I was hooked up to EEG and ECG machines and put to sleep, I didn't even feel the anesthetic kick in (I usually do). I woke up half an hour later with a very sore throat, but no headache and none of the other muscle pains I was expecting. After some water and two cups of tea my throat was better and I was ready to go. When I arrived back I was told to go to bed but ended up playing Spore because I wasn't the least bit tired. I feel like nothing has happened, which is great, but I also worry that I should be feeling something. I don't know if I had MST or ECT, my guess is MST because my memory is completely intact, but when I said that to the recovery nurse she said that's not uncommon for ECT either, but she's got to help keep me confused! I'll find out at the end of treatment which one I had, only eight more to go

Here's a little description of MST for those of you interested.

Magnetic Seizure Therapy (MST), like ECT, involves the induction of a seizure for therapeutic purposes. The major difference, however, is that in MST the seizure is induced using magnetic stimulation rather than the electrical current that is used in ECT.  Magnetic fields are able to pass freely into the brain, making it possible to produce a very focused seizure in a specific area.  The widespread nature of the seizures produced by ECT is thought to be responsible for the memory loss that people report following ECT.  Therefore, by avoiding the use of direct electrical current and inducing a focal seizure, it is thought that MST will be able to improve depressive symptoms without the memory loss seen in ECT. 

MST is a medical procedure performed by doctors.  It involves having a general anaesthetic and a muscle relaxant.  The brain is then stimulated with a controlled series of magnetic pulses using a coil that is placed at a precise location on the head.  The magnetic pulses cause a seizure in the brain which will last up to two minutes.  Because of the muscle relaxants and the anaesthetic, patients do not convulse or ‘fit’ and do not feel any pain. Patients wake up five to ten minutes following the procedure. 

MST

At the eleventh hour my doctor walked into my room and announced that there is a trial he wants me to be part of instead of doing ECT. The trial is for MST, which I think stands for Magnetic Seizure Therapy. It is the same as ECT in that it causes the brain to seize, it's just achieved differently, using a magnetic coil instead of electricity. It's a double blind trial, I won't know if I'm being given normal ECT or MST, but if I'm on MST and it's not working they'll swap me and if I'm on ECT and I have significant memory issues they'll swap me to MST, which has the advantage of no memory loss. I have to meet with the researchers tomorrow and then it will probably start on Wednesday. I'm a little disappointed because I was ready for tomorrow, but it's only an extra two days and I may not have to deal with the memory loss.

My mood is pretty low at the moment, I'd appreciate any calls or text messages to brighten my day.

ECT

I'm starting ECT tomorrow instead of Wednesday. The family meeting went well, my dad came this time, the last meeting he came to was a disaster, but that was almost two years ago and he knew virtually nothing about me being ill.

I'm not feeling great today so this is just a short post. Please come and visit, I'm getting quite lonely and I'm going to be going through a very tough time for the next two weeks.

The Beginning

I just had my annual dose of radiation - a chest x ray in preparation for ECT. I met with my Dr today and he decided to go ahead with preparations for ECT, unless my mum strongly disagrees in our family meeting on Sunday I'll be starting on Wednesday (if she disagrees, it's still up to me). I still have to have a blood test and ECG before it can begin. For those of you who don't know what ECT is is stands for Electroconvulsive Therapy. The patient is put under general anesthetic and given a muscle relaxant, several electrodes are placed on the scalp and a current is passed through them, causing a seizure lasting approximately 2 minutes. It isn't known exactly why it works, just that it does in up to 80% of cases. I will be having six treatments over two weeks on Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays. The first one is the worst because they have to shock you a few times to find out what level brings on the seizure. If L's experience is anything to go by I can expect a killer headache and jaw pain on the first day and memory loss throughout the whole treatment period, I might also forget a little while before treatment (eg now) and have trouble making new memories during the treatment period, none of this should be long lasting. Some people experience more severe memory loss, but they are in the minority.

The decision to do ECT was reached because this week I've been feeling very suicidal and have given up any hope of getting better, preferring instead to die, I've actually been praying for God to take me in my sleep, somehow I don't think he'll do that. I've lost my unaccompanied leave because I confessed I was finding it hard to avoid buying razor blades. I've resisted so far because I'm here to get well, not to act out and get my self sectioned again, but still my Dr thought it best to be safe and keep me in.

Desire

I'm still here, I won't be getting discharged tomorrow as I've taken a turn for the worse. My mood is so low I don't even have it in me to watch shows on my laptop. I watched one episode of Futurama today and spent the rest of the time staring at the walls or with my eyes shut. My dr wants to wait until Sunday before deciding our next step which will either be Reboxetine - a NaRI drug which according to the internet doesn't work - or ECT. My dr is concerned about ECT because of the risk of memory loss, but he said if I just get to the stage where I can't stand being suicidally depressed anymore and I want a quick fix he'll let me do it.

I could be here a few more weeks, I have the choice to leave whenever I like, but I don't feel safe enough to be at home, it's hard enough staying safe in here. So... visitors would be lovely. I had plenty of visitors to start with, but now it's really just my parents coming - a friend came yesterday, which was lovely but I want more!!!

Longer

I'm now stuck here until at least Tuesday because my vision hasn't cleared up and we need to sort out the medication dose, or even change it if the dose reduction doesn't work. As of this morning I'm down to 30mg of Cymbalta from 60mg, if that doesn't fix the problem entirely it should at least help, 30mg isn't really a treatment dose so it may fix my vision but do nothing for my depression, that will mean being in here longer to start a new drug. There's been no change in my mood, it's just really flat. I really want to go home, on top of the obvious reasons one wouldn't want to be stuck in hospital I now have a room mate and she has the TV on from 7:30 in the morning until about 9pm when she goes to bed, I've had my headphones in constantly even if I'm not listening to anything just to block out the television sound. I've been watching V (with headphones) for the last few days, I'm almost finished and it's exciting, it was cancelled in its first series so I'm not sure if it will come to a conclusion or just end abruptly, I really hope it concludes.

Blurred

The last few days have been okay, my mood has remained the same, flat, but the really bad lows have stopped. Cymbalta has caused the unpleasant side effect of blurred vision; unlike last time this happened it's my distance vision most affected, although today I'm having trouble reading, and typing this is taxing. I'm most likely going home on Friday unless my doctor decides I can't stay on this drug due to my eyes, the nurses say it will probably clear up as my body adjusts to it. I look forward to going home, I'm lonely here and I want my freedom, I just hope I can be trusted with it, I'm still experiencing troubling thoughts but I have to learn to manage them outside of hospital, I can't live here some people practically do but I don't want to be one of them.