I haven’t been going out as much as I should; I expect a good talking to from my psychologist on Thursday and another from my psychiatrist next Wednesday... something along the lines of “The only thing to avoid with anxiety is avoidance itself”. But the thing is I don’t think this most recent spell of eremitism stems from anxiety; my mood has been terrible and I just don’t want to face the world at the moment. Last week I got some amazing news and was truly excited, everything seemed to be going well, and then the following day I got some bad news many times worse that my good news was good. The bad news on its own would hurt, but to go from having a rare feeling of contentment to utter despair really sucks.
I feel disgusting at the moment, I’ve not left the house today – actually I’ve only left my bedroom for a couple of short adventures to the kitchen and other necessary rooms. I haven’t bathed or even brushed my teeth and I don’t plan to despite the current feeling of filth. I have no need to leave the house tomorrow so probably won’t. I would forgive you for reading this and thinking that I should just go and get a job; it’s true, I should, but it’s not that easy. I’m scared of people, and on the days that I can bare to be around others I’m lucky if my mood allows me to get through the day without wishing the earth would open up and swallow me. It’s hard to concentrate with these things going through your head and would you really want to trust someone like that with any task?
I try not to use it too much, but I tried cooking straight after taking a valium the other night; it was an interesting experience I’m not too sure I’ll be repeating...
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