I feel like after
naming my last post Breakthrough and
rhapsodising about what it is to feel again that this should be a positive
post. But since a record 32 people read that post, and I’ll probably just get
my usual 7 today I think I’ll just tell the truth.
I have been
fighting anxiety off like a flock of hungry birds and all I have are some
sticks made of benzodiazepines. My psychiatrist just gave me some stronger ones
but I have to take them sparingly. In the last few days the depression has been
getting stronger too, it’s the staying in bed, not being able to move, ignoring
the world kind. I’m not going to church tonight even though that’s exactly what
I need, I just can’t put myself up to the hour drive and the pretending once I
get there. I need my friends to come to me (Thanks L), to sit with me in my PJs
and drink tea.
I do a very good
job of pretending. I went out yesterday and I felt genuinely good during some
one on one time with my friend B.H but then the group part got too much and I
had to put on pretending hat and I left before the second part of the evening
began.
I woke at 11 this
morning, made a coffee and returned to bed where I read until 2, that was nice.
I want to go back but I’ll save it for tomorrow when Mum’s at work and I can
stay there all day without question.
My Psychiatrist is
going away, I’m not seeing him again until the 11th of July. He’s
made other arrangements for me, but I’m still quite scared. I’ll be looked
after if I come crashing down, just not by him.
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