I can't sedate you

Five weeks and two days in four hospitals, most of that time spent in the private I don't usually get to go to as my psych works out of a different one. I'm having more ECT,  not sure how many are left.  I'm currently on 4mg of Lorazepam, 100mg  of Seroquel, 15mg Imovane and I think 1mg of Xanax. I still feel angry, violent (don't worry only towards me) and super impulsive. I left the hospital for the second time without leave today, only this time I didn't get caught. I bought sharps and put them to use when I got back - nothing serious and they've been surrendered now. I have a few fears around suicide, mainly to do with eternity. I'm sure eternity in hell would be much worse than what I'm living with now. But maybe God would still accept me. Big risk.