ECT and Memory Loss

I read an article yesterday regarding memory loss caused by ECT; the writer was severely affected by the procedure, experiencing an uncommon level of memory loss. The further I read the more I related to her, it seems the amount of damage I am experiencing is not the norm. I struggle to remember the names of people I’ve spent significant amounts of time with, I can’t remember what I did the previous day, there are huge chunks from my life missing. My friends all know that my memory is patchy but I don’t think any of them really ‘get’ the severity of it and I find myself pretending to know what’s going on, nodding along as they talk about things we did together last year and trying to hide the embarrassment I feel as I attempt to bluff my way through these social occasions. I feel lost and scared, I don’t know what I’ve forgotten and I worry, well actually I know that I’ve lost some special memories; though I do mourn for the more mundane ones as well, for they are part of what makes me me. Maybe it’s good that I’ve forgotten so much, my identity isn’t really something I should value as it’s so messed up, but I do value it and I want the memories back; I don’t want to fake my way through conversations or have to give up and admit that I have no idea what’s being discussed. I want the knowledge gained from my time at uni back. I want to be able to make new memories.

I won’t be having any more ECT, it has caused me more harm than good and formed a bit of an addiction to general anesthetic  - which I am only just admitting to myself.