Sometimes Coming up With a Heading is Really Hard

Tonight was the first time I’ve self-harmed since October, it didn’t fix anything, I still feel like shit. Church was awful tonight, I feel this huge disconnect to God and being in church surrounded by everyone who’s (on the outside at least) completely fine just amplifies the problem. I can’t sing because I don’t feel genuine about what I’m singing, I can’t seem to make my self pay attention to the sermon because by time we get there I’ve already spent 20 minutes feeling alienated. I tried to talk to one of the ministers after the service tonight but he had to do something else, maybe if I’d fallen on the floor and burst into tears he’d have had time for me, that’s how I feel but tears don’t come easy to me. I want to be closer to God, I want to fully participate in church life and feel something but there’s nothing there, I feel completely alone. I don’t know what the solution is, I just know that something has to change.

Dad

On the 24^th of January at 8:25am my dad passed away after four days on life support. We were assured that he was in no pain so at least there was that comfort. It wasn’t actually the prostate cancer that killed him; about two weeks prior to his death he had his first dose of chemotherapy, which, as chemotherapy does, wiped out his immune system, then while he was still in hospital he picked up Legionnaires’ disease, having no immune system he couldn’t fight it off. Usually Legionnaires’ is nasty, but with antibiotics you can recover.  We have no family in Australia, it was pure coincidence that my aunt and uncle (Dad’s brother) were here and such a blessing too. Dad and his brother were very close and it’s great that they got to spend some time together before the end and we had their help in the aftermath. They’re gone now and it’s just me, Mum and my brother in the country, kind of lonely if I think about it.

Grieving has been easy; I was distraught the day he died but that’s it. Mum has been keeping her-self very busy and is doing well and S (brother) seems fine too. I don’t know if we’ll all fall to pieces at a later date or if we’re genuinely okay. Friends have been a great support, a handful of women from my church made us meals and mum’s colleagues took up a collection and used the funds to buy a billion things from a catering company, filling our freezer to the brim. The house smelled beautiful for a few weeks from all the flowers we received and there were a lot of people at the funeral. We’ll all miss him and the house is certainly strange without his quirky presence, but we’re okay.

It took me two hours to write those two paragraphs, I think I need to find a way to reinvigorate my brain before uni starts in little over a week. 

Three Bottles of Scotch

I only have 19 imovane and less than a gram of Largactil, definitely not enough for a suicide attempt, but combined with a few bottles of scotch, maybe. I’ve spent this afternoon googling the effects of overdosing on various over the counter medications thinking I could use them to supplement my meager supply of prescription meds; it is not to be, they would all cause liver damage and are very unlikely to deliver a nice fast death – or any death at all, just the liver damage. I’m sure it’s obvious by now that I’m not well but I’m not in a pit of depression either. I’m trying to deal with two conflicting things, one being my faith and I’m very stressed about my future. I can’t see past this period of inactivity I’m in. I’m trying to hold off on the suicide plans until I find out if I’ve been accepted to the teaching course I’ve applied for because that will provide me with daily activity and give me a future. My writing course, when it recommences, will provide me with activity too but not a future stable career and something to do with my days until retirement.

I saw my doctor today and he suggested another short admission and maybe ECT if things keep getting worse. I’ve come close to calling him a few times today to arrange the admission as my thoughts have been on nothing but death but I don’t want to go in and it would put more stress on my family which they don’t need at the moment with dad still being in hospital and my aunt and uncle over from the UK to see us.  I think I’ll just ride this out. If you have time to spend with me please do the boredom and loneliness aren't helping. 

Shackled

After a long and complicated discussion with a friend yesterday I’ve accepted that my faith is in a terrible state and this really needs to change. In recent days I’ve accepted something that may tear me away from Christianity completely; and because I don’t feel I have a relationship with God but merely follow all the rules thinking that’s what makes me a Christian I don’t feel I have God’s help as I face this situation. I’ve been attending church regularly since I was 14; I’ve been praying little prayers throughout the day and longer ones at night, reading the bible and attending bible studies. I’ve sought to obey all the rules and suggestions the church has - these are usually drawn right out of the bible and therefore are from God and I’ve assumed that all these things would be pleasing to God and are what a Christian should do. I don’t know how many times I’ve asked for salvation and for the holy spirit to come into my life, you would think that once would do! I don’t know if I haven’t been truly repentant and so it hasn’t worked or if as it should it worked the first time when I was 14 and there’s some other problem in me. I’ve never felt the influence of the spirit, I’ve never heard from God, reading the bible is just like reading any other book and praying is like talking to the ground or ceiling. If my faith doesn’t soon become a genuine relationship with God where I feel a connection to him, and the thing in my life which defines me I will end up resenting it and turn away or be very miserable for the rest of my life trying to follow rules that I don’t want to but feel I have to.  I know faith isn’t about feelings but there ought to be some, it is after all a relationship. All logic tells me to persevere and try to fix my faith but then there’s the part of me that says I’m never going to have the relationship with God that all the Christians I know seem to have and that I should pursue this sin that’s tempting me. I hope more help from friends and from my churches pastoral carer (though I’m a bit frightened of that conversation) will change things for the better, I really don’t want to lose my faith if I have one. I want to love God.

Comments are very welcome, I could use your advise. Or PM me through facebook for a more private discussion.

Some Musings

For the last few years I have been defined by my illness, it’s really all there was to me and now that it is mostly gone I don’t know who I am or what to do with myself. I no longer spend my days in a pit of despair thinking about death or what I’ll use to cut my self to pieces. I’m not on a long list of medications and grappling with whether or not I should be in hospital; I’m just existing. I’m still on Imovane to help me sleep and about once a week I take a Largactil when I start to feel impulsive / dangerous and that’s it. Tomorrow I’m seeing my psychiatrist and it will be a very hard consultation because there will be so little to talk about. I’m going to ask if I can start seeing him fortnightly because the weekly consultations are just a waste of time and money at the moment. I’ll have to see him next Friday because I’ll be away the following week, but after that I think fortnightly consultations are a good idea.

I went to the supermarket an hour ago and on the way there I decided to buy some razor blades just incase I wanted to self harm. The temptation to do it was there so I thought I should have the necessary tools handy. It took me about 30 seconds to talk myself out of it, something I would have never been able to do in the past. It’s been over two months since I self harmed, quite the record! I don’t want to mess it up now; plus it’s summer, the scars would be hard to hide. I feel so ashamed of my left arm, it’s a complete mess and one of the scars is staying red, it’s right in the middle of my arm and has been there a while, it’s just not fading. I recently met a man who I quite liked, I was sitting opposite him for hours and had to reach across the table a bit, there’s no way he didn’t notice the mess that is my arm and I felt so awkward about it. Before I even get a chance to know someone they can make a pretty good guess that I’m messed up, so this is regret!

My dad was readmitted to hospital today after staying up all night in agony. I doubt it will be a long admission, the pain is most likely being caused by the radiotherapy treatment he’s having on his spine. He was told the treatment would make things worse before getting better, no one expected it to be this bad though. He’s been having a very hard time of late, the growth on his spine sends pain all over his body, everything hurts and he’s just miserable. I know death comes for us all, but this is just cruel. Dad’s cancer will claim his life but not in the immediate future, the poor thing has years of discomfort to endure first. He’s not at death’s door so even if euthanasia were legal I expect it wouldn’t yet be available to him but this is making me think about the issue more. Setting aside my religious beliefs, logic and compassion say to me that a quick escape from a slow and painful demise should be available to everyone; it’s very hard to make that sit well with my faith though. I don’t think it will be long before euthanasia is legal, along with other things the church opposes. When my time comes, despite my faith I don’t know if I could endure extreme pain when an escape is available and God is compassionate, perhaps he would understand.