I only have 19 imovane and less than a gram
of Largactil, definitely not enough for a suicide attempt, but combined with a
few bottles of scotch, maybe. I’ve spent this afternoon googling the effects of
overdosing on various over the counter medications thinking I could use them to
supplement my meager supply of prescription meds; it is not to be, they would
all cause liver damage and are very unlikely to deliver a nice fast death – or
any death at all, just the liver damage. I’m sure it’s obvious by now that I’m
not well but I’m not in a pit of depression either. I’m trying to deal with two
conflicting things, one being my faith and I’m very stressed about my future. I
can’t see past this period of inactivity I’m in. I’m trying to hold off on the suicide
plans until I find out if I’ve been accepted to the teaching course I’ve
applied for because that will provide me with daily activity and give me a
future. My writing course, when it recommences, will provide me with activity
too but not a future stable career and something to do with my days until
retirement.
I saw my doctor today and he suggested
another short admission and maybe ECT if things keep getting worse. I’ve come
close to calling him a few times today to arrange the admission as my thoughts
have been on nothing but death but I don’t want to go in and it would put more
stress on my family which they don’t need at the moment with dad still being in
hospital and my aunt and uncle over from the UK to see us. I think I’ll just ride this out. If you have
time to spend with me please do the boredom and loneliness aren't helping.
Looking back, I should have checked out 20 years ago. Since then, lovely husband, two perfect children. Nothing satisfies me! Twice today I have taken enough to check out permanently, but to no avail. I want peace. It doesn't get better! If you feel like crap now you will only feel worse in the future. Be brave!
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So. Happened upon your blog through a random Google search, stayed because I felt for you. I'll just one thing. Untether yourself from conventional religion. I personally like to pick and choose various ideals into my theology. I believe that God is more of a father figure than we take him for. That God just wants what's best for mankind. He doesn't care who you are, or even if you believe in him or not. He wants you to be happy and to spread your happiness to others. He wants his children to grow and prosper, right? So perk up! Even if you don't believe, nobody is forcing you. The 'eternal damnation' thing is a ruse, crafted by Catholics to hold the populace under their thumb. I'd like to say that I'll always be rooting for you, but chances are I'll forget about you in a week. Still. See life how -you- want to, 'kay?
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