This week I have experienced the wonderful and the terrible, but following the pattern of my life the terrible wins. I had a thoroughly confusing session with my psychologist yesterday, all I took away from it was that if I’m feeling suicidal to go to hospital and if I want to go to the UK next month she’s OK with that. It seems I have to get my head around borderline personality disorder, a disorder that I don’t have as such, but have a number of symptoms of (on top of anxiety and depression – yippee). It’s a tough one to live with because it essentially puts the blame for my behaviours back on to me. The way I developed my personality was abnormal - though likely a coping strategy to get me through childhood and youth difficulties. This makes me very angry about my circumstances; I can’t do anything about my upbringing; I can’t go back and stop wrong thought patterns as they were being formed; I’m just left trying to pick up the pieces and correct my flaws, of which there are many. I’d like to thank myself for making me a thoroughly twisted and unlovable person. It’s time to buy 50 more cats to grow old with, at least Lester loves me.
I wish fixing mental illness was as easy as a throat infection, or even gangrene, I could live without a few toes but I might like to keep my arms and legs.
Never call yourself an unlovable person, everyone deserves to be loved by someone
ReplyDeleteDeserve is an interesting word, really we all deserve to be utterly miserable for this lifetime and then to perish in hell for all eternity, it is by the grace of God that this is not the case. But -getting back on track- while we may all hope to be loved, not everyone gets what they hope for, and some people are very skilled in inadvertently driving others away. Thinking now in a less pesimistic light than when I wrote the post, there are a few people who still love me despite my flaws; to them I am grateful and I hope they don't go away.
ReplyDeleteI'd still make a good crazy cat lady though.
I concede 'deserves' may not be the most appropriate word, but it was the only one that came to me at the time.
ReplyDeleteYou should always remember that the people who truly love you such as parents will never go away.