I’m writing and it’s not 4am, let’s see how
this goes…
I had 23 hours in ICU, ending at 10pm last
night, thankfully my doctor didn’t think I needed to be in there. There’s a bit
of self sabotage going on, I was given unescorted leave and told home time was
approaching in about a week, so what do I do? Buy razor blades of course and
then instead of using them inform a nurse that I have them and want to slit my
throat. I do this a lot, get suicidal make some gestures and then call for
help. I could/should have jumped off that building but instead I called my
nurse and help arrived shortly after. Every time I’ve taken an overdose I’ve
taken myself to hospital and I’ve never made any really deep cuts, I’ve only
hit a vein once. I see progress and then ruin things. Maybe I don’t want to go
home; I get constant attention in hospital, I see my doctor every second day,
nurses enquire about my wellbeing twice a day and I’m surrounded by people who
‘get me’ – not that I talk to that many of them. Doctor and I came up with a
plan to conquer this cycle. Home on Sunday regardless of what I do (within
reason) and leave from tomorrow also regardless of what I do.
I think I’m going to live until I’m 80 and
be miserable for the whole time.
