Only Five Stitches

I don't know the train timetable for my local station, and I haven't scouted out the best way to get to a train without actually jumping off the station platform and traumatising everyone on it. I feel like making the trip down there once darkness has EVENTUALLY fallen tonight - fuck you daylight savings!

I had a bad day. Woke around 6 am and just stayed in bed because it is warm there until 8 am when I could stay there no longer. Breakfast, French lesson and then carved up my arm. Appointment with my support worker followed by a lucky to get appointment with a GP at my clinic, but not my GP as she's away. Five stitches, lots of steri-strips and some antibiotic cream on a wound from Saturday and off I went. Lunch. Appointment with my psychologist - that went well - and she's seeing me again on Friday because I need some extra support to make it to Sunday when I go back into the clinic.

I've been exhausted since about 1 pm, and I couldn't sleep when I tried to nap. I'm going to follow hospital timetable and take my meds at 8 pm, which will have me asleep for 9 (hopefully).

I went to church last night and had a lot of trouble with the crowds and having to sit still for so long. I went out to make myself a cup of tea and got roped into serving on supper as there was only one person doing it. I planned on going to the train station afterwards but had a good conversation with one of the ladies in the church. It should have made me feel worse given the content, but it was nice just to have a long conversation with someone. I need that tonight, but absolutely everyone is busy. (sorry if I didn't call or text you and you're a friend, my brain is foggy right now. You can call/text me though)

My eyes hurt, I need to close them.

The End.

Seroquel = Good

Basically, things really suck at the moment.

Crowds of more than a handful of people = bad

Being awake = bad

Being alone = bad

Being with people = bad

New experiences = bad

Boredom = bad

Lester (cat) = good

Future prospects = bad

Suicide = very attractive, considered more carefully and thoroughly than in the past, date and place in mind. Pity I always forfeit at the last moment.

Trolley Queen

I’m a real adult now – yes?

I might have got up at 12:46pm today, but that’s okay because I made up for it by doing a very adult thing. I left the house twice and the second time was to go to the supermarket like the responsible contributing family member that I am; and I used a trolley, for maybe the third time in my 28.4 years I used an actual trolley, not even one of the little quarter trolleys that make you look like you’re too good to bend over to reach the bottom ones. I walked down every single aisle, some multiple times because I couldn’t find two things on my list anywhere and ended up having to substitute. I didn’t kick the little boy who decided it was a great idea to lie on his belly and pull himself along the aisle with his hands. (I know this isn’t because he’s disabled because when he reached the end of one aisle he stood up, walked to the next aisle and resumed his crawl.) I looked a little retarded walking back and forth to the scales from the sweet potato pile several times until I found one weighing exactly 500g – how amazing am I 500g exactly and I even read it on an analogue scale! Then, just to cement my adultness I opened the boot of my car for the first time since maybe December and put the shopping in there rather than throwing it on my back seat.

So just to summarise: House exited twice with no sedatives; child not kicked in the head; used and understood scales and opened my boot! The “You’re a Real Adult Now” ceremony is on Friday at 2pm in Northcote – getting there is the final test because if you can drive there without getting out of your car and punching someone in the traffic you truly deserve the adult medal. If you’d like to come and watch you’re very welcome.

A Little Catch up

I haven’t posted for a while because the new medication gave me very blurred near vision, it’s slowly improving since I stopped taking it, I can see well enough to type now, but it hurts to focus on anything close for too long (long being a few seconds). I haven’t done any uni work because I can’t read and I’m getting behind which is giving me more stress than I need when I have a drug change coming up – since the drug to treat the side effects gave me worse side effects, that means I have to come off the first one too. The drug I have to come off is the anti-psychotic, it has been the one getting rid of the graphic violent urges, just reducing the dose isn’t an option because I feel like I need a higher dose to maintain where I am now, now is far from perfect, but still quite good.

On Monday and Tuesday of next week I will be working for the first time in 22 months! I agreed a while ago to be the emergency barista for a not so local cafe. I was offered  a proper job but with my health so up and down I’d make a very unreliable employee – plus I have no desire to work in hospitality; as much as I love sending out a great coffee, it is just coffee and I’m terrible with customers. I hope this will be a coffee only arrangement and I don’t have to talk to people, also that I don’t have to carry the coffees out, my hands are so shaky – I probably should have mentioned that before accepting the shifts. I have five days to change my mind, this feels like a really bad idea, they’re 7 hour shifts, that’s long when you’re only just dipping your toe back in the water, but maybe being out there doing stuff will be good for me.

Saag

My fingers smell like curry – I ate it in naan with my hands.

My tummy is almost normal again, after only three days on less Lovan.

I went to the party, wine helped me relax and it was actually a little enjoyable.

I went to church tonight, I took a sedative in the first five minutes and then zoned out, not the ideal outcome I know, but at least this week I don’t have a friend and the police here.

No self harm since Thursday, it’s been hard, but I’m trying.

Two scenes to write by Wednesday, I think another extension will be necessary unless I have a repeated stroke of brilliance and can write them both quickly and well the first time.

I nearly adopted a cocker spaniel but someone beat me to him, he was beautiful, young and had the right temperament for me.

Last night I watched Let The Right One In, You, The Living, and Fair Game (although I was reading during that one so don't really know what happened) and today I watched Let Me In (American version of Let The Right One In) and was about to start Inception when I realised it would make me late for church. I know I could do much better things with my time, but when feeling low it is better to be very distracted than very bloody!

Bed time.

Party Time

Next week came early!

This is a long post about a lot and not much, I needed to write it for myself and I’m posting it just because this is where I put stuff. If you don’t feel like a long read you won’t be missing anything, but if you do feel like a long read here is a semi stream-of-consciousness, I think it has some worth, it gave me a few surprises – excuse the grammar and punctuation, I can’t be bothered!
Also I started this before midnight, so by tomorrow night I actually mean tonight, that doesn't really matter though...

I feel like a bit of a ramble tonight, too many thoughts swimming around to sit still with. I can’t believe how slowly time is ticking by; this time yesterday L and I were just getting back from a short night out. Maybe it feels like a long time ago because I’ve had four separate sleeps since then... It’s not just today, or even this week though; the year is dragging its feet. I’m supposedly starting DBT in September or January, I was discussing this with my GP today and she was disappointed at how far away that is, especially considering she wrote the referral in January this year, then I realised it’s not even May yet, my brain is towards the end of the year ready to greet in 2012, time usually flies, it’s not supposed to drag on like this. At the very same time things are moving along at rocket speed, it is 11 months today since I lost M and started my hospital encounters. I’m sure there will be a somewhat insane 12 month post probably along the lines of “everything sucks, I hate men, I love men, I hate men, they’re all stupid blind creatures who can’t tell when they’re being flirted with even if you shout it in their face and when you finally get one he crushes your heart and sends you to hospital – note, M didn’t make me sick, he just took away the thing I was staying alive for, I need something more permanent than a man to live for. I digress, actually that’s okay this whole post is a digression. So last night feels like days ago, today feels like a few days, 11 months ago feels like not long ago and a lifetime ago simultaneously, there is so little about my current life which resembles then, but the memories are fresh and raw. How have I had six hospital admissions, four psychiatrists, two psychologists, too many drugs, moved three times, found a new church and lots of new friends through it, started a new course and so much more in what feels like a month? This is actually painful to write, I feel I’ve accomplished nothing in the last year, I have in fact accomplished staying alive – not an easy task when you’d rather do anything else – I haven’t worked, I haven’t improved, I haven’t finished anything, I’ve just existed.

I actually started writing about time because I was dwelling on a party I’m supposed to be going to tomorrow night, it is for a dear friend who has stuck by me despite the tyranny of distance and the many years since we were in regular contact. I will know most people at the party, but I haven’t seen or spoken to most of them for six years. I am scared of some of them because I used to care so much about what they thought of me, and even though I am now forgotten part of me still seeks their approval. I’ve been thinking about what I’d wear, who I’d talk to when things got awkward, or if I’d just pretend to be very interested in one of the paintings. It even stopped me cutting my arm today because I didn’t want to wear long sleeves or tubi-grip and fresh marks covered in steri-strips isn’t a good look. I don’t know why I care so much, well yes I do, but it’s stupid. I’m not looking to rekindle any old friendships – frankly the drive out there is horrible and I’d be thrilled if my family and this one friend (I suppose she can bring her husband) moved to my side of the city – I certainly don’t want to pick up, I’m not doing a long distance relationship, plus none of them are my type – I definitely have a type! I should be able to go to the party, hug my friend and be a face in the crowd for her; I feel sick at the thought of it. Some of them read this blog, that’s good, at least when they ask what I’ve been up to and I say I’m not working and only studying one subject they’ll know why. To the others I’m the girl who disappeared six years ago, got fat and is now wasting her life, well that’s what they’ll think when they see me, right now they think nothing of me, I’m very much out of sight out of mind. Or maybe I’m wrong, I actually can’t read peoples thoughts, maybe some of them miss me and think of me regularly, facebook stalk me and hope to see me tomorrow; I wish I could believe that, in truth I feel that to everyone, not just this crowd I am out of sight out of mind, even though several people prove this wrong often, my new church really is full of great people, I should probably stop calling it new, I’ve been there 10 months now and am very settled. I don’t think I’ll go to the party tomorrow, I’d rather take my friend out for a nice meal on me and then I don’t have to share her with dozens of other people. To add to my worries is a Lovan reduction starting tomorrow, it’s been playing with my stomach and the higher dose has possibly increased my anxiety, although I think it helped reduce impulsivity which is a good thing. I’m a lot stronger than I think; I went out last night without any issues (though I was a bit of a wallflower – a very pretty one though!) and I got my monologue done when I thought there was no hope. Maybe I can get through a party and even have a good time? I’m going to change my mind 20 times between now and tomorrow night and I’ll regret not going, but I don’t think I can.