A Flat Festive Season

Girl found the best place to spend a 36-degree day

I had a fun combined birthday party with my housemates. All three of us are December babies. It was the happiest I've felt for a long time, aided by alcohol I'll confess, but I wasn't really drunk, just happy drunk. I've never been properly drunk, I don't want to be like my dad even once. The happy feeling didn't last; I returned at midnight after the party to the hospital - they gave me extra leave to go to my own party, how nice of them! I had 10 TMS treatments and it picked my mood up from a 4 to a 5 (out of 10). This is just a bleh number to be at; nothing's joyful, nothing sucks so much you want to stab yourself, you don't feel suicidal, just bleh. I'm back in for another 10 on the 10th Jan, they're going to do two a day, so I may only be in for five days.

I met a man online, met up, no good. He needs friends though so I might contribute there, nothing more. Ideally I'd be with the kind of man who would be attracted to me as I am right now - though not grumpy. I am trying to lose weight but it's very hard on Seroquel, that fucking drug just makes your brain constantly scream I'M STARVING! FEED ME. I definitely look better 50kg thinner but even if I lost it all and was pretty again I'm going to decline with age, so I want a man who loves my brain. My brain isn't all bad, it's funny, friendly, compassionate, loving, caring and very loyal. Maybe I don't want a man who can't look past the fat. I can understand being put off by my illness, but I think it's pretty well managed and if I had something like a good relationship to live for I'd be a lot better. Right now if I kill myself I'd wrestle with myself about the pain I'd be causing the people who care about me, but I'm not sure I could do that to a partner. I think I'd try harder to stay. That's a big burden to place on someone though, so maybe no one wants that.

As I've been so flat I haven't had a single creative thought for a week. Not a word has been written on my novel. My life has just been appointments and a couple of coffees with a friend or two. I went to the church my housemates go to on Sunday as mine was not on that night. It was good to experience a very different style of church. Good sermon. I liked the quality of the music, but the song choice was not what I like, they were nearly all talking about what we are going to do for God or because of Him. I prefer songs simply glorifying God, I don't want to sing something about myself, what if I don't do it - I've lied to God.

Being from an immigrant family means Christmas sucks. There's three of us in Australia. My brother lives with my Mum, and his girlfriend recently moved in, I assume she's having Christmas dinner with us. Mum has two friends who are from the same area as us, the man was actually engaged to my aunty but it ended; they might come for Christmas, but haven't confirmed yet. Mum has a boyfriend (I don't like calling him that, it sounds too adolescent, but doesn't partner mean you're living together?) who she tries to keep secret. I asked if he'll be joining us but he has his own kids to have Christmas with, she said maybe later on in the day. Yeah, so Christmas will be sit down, eat a duck, clean up, read or something like that. I like to watch the Queen's speech, Mum just jokes her way through it but I think it's quite meaningful. This year I get to attend the Christmas Eve service at my church, usually I'm in hospital. It ends after midnight, hopefully that means the roads are quiet for the hour-long drive to Mum's.

I hate this time of year, everyone's busy; right now I just want to sit down around a table or on some couches with a friend and chat about anything and everything. I can't read with my head this foggy and I just don't want to watch anything. I'm listening to music but there's almost permanently a musical background to whatever I'm doing. I might go outside and cuddle the chickens, it's looking like a storm's on its way and my phone has just confirmed this, I've got a little while though.

Sorry this wasn't the most enthralling read I've ever given you, just an update.

Some Purpose

I’m still not too sure what to do with this blog, I think I want to talk more about borderline personality disorder rather than just random things going on in my life; there will still be updates on me, I think they are useful and provide a personalised description of what it is like to live with borderline. I suffer also from anxiety and depression, but they are better understood (not by everyone) so I will not include much information or musings about them.

So Borderline...

This is from Wikipedia but my psychologist told me it’s actually accurate because it’s straight from the DSM:

The Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders fourth edition, DSM IV-TR, a widely used manual for diagnosing mental disorders, defines borderline personality disorder (in Axis II Cluster B) as:^[1][14]

A pervasive pattern of instability of interpersonal relationships, self-image and affects, as well as marked impulsivity, beginning by early adulthood and present in a variety of contexts, as indicated by five (or more) of the following:

1.      Frantic efforts to avoid real or imagined abandonment. 

2.      A pattern of unstable and intense interpersonal relationships characterized by alternating between extremes of idealization and devaluation.

3.      Identity disturbance: markedly and persistently unstable self-image or sense of self.

4.      Impulsivity in at least two areas that are potentially self-damaging (e.g., promiscuous sex, eating disorders, binge eating, substance abuse, reckless driving). Note: Do not include suicidal or self-injuring behaviour covered in Criterion 5

5.      Recurrent suicidal behaviour, gestures, threats or self-injuring behavior such as cutting, interfering with the healing of scars (excoriation) or picking at oneself.

6.      Affective instability due to a marked reactivity of mood (e.g., intense episodic dysphoria, irritability or anxiety usually lasting a few hours and only rarely more than a few days).

7.      Chronic feelings of emptiness

8.      Inappropriate anger or difficulty controlling anger (e.g., frequent displays of temper, constant anger, recurrent physical fights).

9.      Transient, stress-related paranoid ideation, delusions or severe dissociative symptoms

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Borderline_personality_disorder

As stated above, one only needs to display five of these symptoms to be diagnosed as borderline - I lack many of them, thankfully.

A little more information about the actual sufferer rather than just the cold hard facts of the symptoms:

·         BPD is a complex disorder that is often misunderstood.

·         Not all people who harm themselves have BPD. While self-harm is common among people with BPD, not all those who do this have the disorder. People may self-harm for other reasons such as low self esteem, to momentarily express and release emotional pain or even to punish themselves. This may relate to a mental illness, a disorder or emotional problem unrelated to BPD.

·         People with BPD are not ‘bad’. The anger and rejection that people with BPD display mean they are sometimes labelled as ‘bad,‘ ‘manipulative’ or ’attention-seeking’. While things they do may at times lead to confusion, distress or inconvenience for other people, it should be remembered that this behaviour results from feelings of fear, loneliness, desperation, or hopelessness associated with BPD.

·         People with BPD can get better. Contrary to common belief, people with BPD can recover well with appropriate ongoing treatment and support. While there is no cure yet, BPD is a treatable disorder.

http://www.sane.org/information/factsheets-podcasts/160-borderline-personality-disorder

A little aside on self harm as it confuses most people:

The only people I’ve encountered who understand self harm are professionals and people who’ve been there. Self harm is not a half hearted suicide attempt or attention seeking - though often it needs medical attention. People usually do it in areas which aren’t seen by the general public - this is to avoid the attention. There are exceptions to this, sometimes the impulsivity totally takes over and the most convenient area of skin is used, there can also be hesitation marks from when more serious action is considered but when it comes to it cowardice (or sense) wins. These exceptions are the only scars you might get a glimpse of.

Today a friend of mine who I met in hospital joined a facebook group called Borderline Personality Disorder Support Page – I joined too. Through this page I found a few other helpful websites, I will use them to help me write some future posts.

I can’t credit this image to any particular person; I don’t like to use things I can’t reference so to do my best I can say it is from the facebook page of the group just mentioned and can be found in the wall photos folder. It is a little gory, but it tells you more than I could ever write.

A little me update:

My birthday sucked. Coffee with C in the morning was the only saving grace, it just went downhill from there; five valium only just got me through the day. I was very emotional about not having M around to celebrate with me; my dad was drunk (not an unusual occurrence) and not being very nice and I didn’t even have a birthday cake, I was going to make my own but lacked the energy.

Side effects from Lamictal are getting a lot worse. Every afternoon - I think as it’s starting to wear off - I get very dizzy and tired; my vision is becoming poor and I feel dumb; I have a poor vocabulary, no memory and a poor attention span. I saw my GP on Thursday for prescriptions to get me through to my psychiatrist appointment on Jan 12. I asked her if she would be comfortable changing the doses around because this really isn’t a great way to feel. She said she could but was very reluctant as it’s not her area and she could very easily make me worse, so I have to stick it out for one month and one day (not that I’m counting).

I interviewed a prospective housemate today, she loved the house and we got along well, she’s agreed to move in; now I just have to find one more person. Move is on the 18^th, I can’t wait to be back in the East.

I Have a Date

I seem to be having a good week: I’ve been approved for the house I like, the first one I actually liked enough to apply for! I won a lovely lounge suite on eBay, it fits my tastes perfectly; I’ve had a response to one of my house-mate ads and she seems perfect, we haven’t met yet and she hasn’t seen the house (except for the pics) but from what she’s told me about her current house I think she’ll love it, she seems really nice too. I have a new GP close to my new home, she’s great and in the space of two days has found me a permanent psychiatrist, attached to a hospital close to my new home. Down side is I can’t see him until the 12th of Jan, but in the meantime my GP will make sure I don’t run out of drugs. Without my consent my family have booked a holiday to Coffs Harbour from 16th Jan to 23rd Jan; this sucks for four reasons: I am too old for family holidays; I won’t get the alone time I need to stay slightly sane; I hate hot weather and beaches and all that summery crap; and the new psych will need to change my drugs, that is best done as an inpatient but if I’m away I’ll have to do it on my own a few hours flight away from any help.


I hope it’s the drugs doing this and not just me becoming completely stupid; I can’t string a sentence together (in speech) anymore, I find myself stopping mid-sentence looking for the simplest of words, and not just for a moment, the conversation completely halts because I just can’t find a word. My memory is shocking, it’s always been a bit weird, like freakishly good is some aspects and awful in others but at the moment it’s just awful awful awful, mainly short term stuff. I’m becoming increasingly tired, some of this will be due to the extra weight I’m carrying but I just feel like all the life has been sucked out of me. One of the borderline symptoms I relate to most is “chronic feelings of emptiness”; that is how I feel most of the time, like my organs, including brain have all been ripped out and replaced with empty space - that or anger - mostly emptiness though.

Since I can’t have a Great Dane at my new house I’m considering a King Charles Spaniel, I’ve always loved them and I need encouragement to go for walks, what better encouragement than a gorgeous fluffy thing that will look at me with sad eyes if I don’t take it out. The landlord was fine with my cat but I guess a dog is a whole different issue. I’m looking forward to moving my cat out of here, it’s time he remembered who his real friend is, he won’t have a bar of me anymore.