Writing. Stuff. Moving

I've been in the clinic for three weeks and three days. At first I remained very depressed and had my leave taken away a few times and all my stuff put in the nurses' station. I'm much better now, still having the suicidal urges, but I don't think they'll ever go away. I've had 14 TMS sessions and the last four days I seem to have picked up. I know this because people are commenting that I actually look human (they say it in nicer words than that) and I've finally started writing my novel. I had quite a lot of backstory and character development written, but I was too scared to start the actual story. I've finished the first chapter (first draft only, I'm sure it'll change) and made a start on chapter two, I think chapter two may end up being later in the story, but for now it's two. I've got just under 2000 words, which I know isn't a lot, but it's what most of my uni assignments were, so it feels good to have pumped that out quite quickly.

I had some company today, the 6pm minister and a friend, D, came to have communion with me, and then D and I went out for lunch. I'm not too bored at the moment, I'm watching Stranger Things, just two episodes a night, I had to re-watch season one a bit quicker than that so I could be ready for the season 2 release yesterday. I bought a new sim card for my old phone and got a good data deal, so I have better internet than usual when I'm in here. I use the phone as a hotspot. It's pretty crazy that there's no patient WIFI in here in 2017, nearly 2018. There is hope though.

I'm (again) considering a move to Edinburgh. I'm going to ask my psychiatrist if he can get a phone number for any NHS psychiatrists over there. I've sent off an e-mail to a clinic, it looks like the NHS doctors are all in hospitals though. I've emailed my church over there to ask if people often put up notices or ask around for flatmates and just letting them know that I'm looking. I have some very good friends here, but I just don't feel like Melbourne has much to offer me. I always get a feeling of belonging when I'm in Edinburgh. I haven't looked into the courses on offer or if I'd have a hope in hell of getting in, but Edinburgh University is one of the good ones.

I know this is a sudden ending, but my night meds are kicking in, so good night.

Some Musings

For the last few years I have been defined by my illness, it’s really all there was to me and now that it is mostly gone I don’t know who I am or what to do with myself. I no longer spend my days in a pit of despair thinking about death or what I’ll use to cut my self to pieces. I’m not on a long list of medications and grappling with whether or not I should be in hospital; I’m just existing. I’m still on Imovane to help me sleep and about once a week I take a Largactil when I start to feel impulsive / dangerous and that’s it. Tomorrow I’m seeing my psychiatrist and it will be a very hard consultation because there will be so little to talk about. I’m going to ask if I can start seeing him fortnightly because the weekly consultations are just a waste of time and money at the moment. I’ll have to see him next Friday because I’ll be away the following week, but after that I think fortnightly consultations are a good idea.

I went to the supermarket an hour ago and on the way there I decided to buy some razor blades just incase I wanted to self harm. The temptation to do it was there so I thought I should have the necessary tools handy. It took me about 30 seconds to talk myself out of it, something I would have never been able to do in the past. It’s been over two months since I self harmed, quite the record! I don’t want to mess it up now; plus it’s summer, the scars would be hard to hide. I feel so ashamed of my left arm, it’s a complete mess and one of the scars is staying red, it’s right in the middle of my arm and has been there a while, it’s just not fading. I recently met a man who I quite liked, I was sitting opposite him for hours and had to reach across the table a bit, there’s no way he didn’t notice the mess that is my arm and I felt so awkward about it. Before I even get a chance to know someone they can make a pretty good guess that I’m messed up, so this is regret!

My dad was readmitted to hospital today after staying up all night in agony. I doubt it will be a long admission, the pain is most likely being caused by the radiotherapy treatment he’s having on his spine. He was told the treatment would make things worse before getting better, no one expected it to be this bad though. He’s been having a very hard time of late, the growth on his spine sends pain all over his body, everything hurts and he’s just miserable. I know death comes for us all, but this is just cruel. Dad’s cancer will claim his life but not in the immediate future, the poor thing has years of discomfort to endure first. He’s not at death’s door so even if euthanasia were legal I expect it wouldn’t yet be available to him but this is making me think about the issue more. Setting aside my religious beliefs, logic and compassion say to me that a quick escape from a slow and painful demise should be available to everyone; it’s very hard to make that sit well with my faith though. I don’t think it will be long before euthanasia is legal, along with other things the church opposes. When my time comes, despite my faith I don’t know if I could endure extreme pain when an escape is available and God is compassionate, perhaps he would understand.

A Long Update

It’s been a while since I blogged, more recent than August as the blog would imply, I deleted the last post for reasons I don’t remember. My memory has been terribly affected by ECT; I’ve forgotten people’s names, which has proved very embarrassing on a number of occasions and I can’t remember most things I’ve done over the last few years, fine details are especially difficult to recall. I have trouble making new memories even now about two months after my maintenance treatments have stopped. I feel stupid, I know I’m not, as my uni marks attest – I had another very good semester, although I was only studying one subject.

I’ve had a few hospital admissions lately, the last one ending only a week ago, that was only a four day admission for observation. Apart from those four days and a couple before going in I’ve been very well for the last six weeks. I’m off all medication except Largactil, which I take only when I need it – that is about once a week. My psychiatrist thinks medication has done me more harm than good, he’s quite surprised by the result of taking me off it all and so am I. I haven’t been happy by any means but I’ve been less suicidal, the temptation to self harm has been minimal and I’m just generally okay.

A couple of months ago my house mates and I received a letter from the real estate agent asking us to move out within 120 days, no reason was given. We had no bad inspections and always paid our rent on time so I suspect the landlord just wanted the house back. I’m now living with my parents again until I find somewhere else back in the East. I’m grateful that I’m welcome at my parents house when I’m too sick to care for my self or when I have nowhere else to go (or anytime really), but it’s hard living here; I’m far away from nearly all of my friends and getting to church takes 45 minutes. I missed a Christmas eve party and the 11pm Christmas eve carols service thanks to the distance and not feeling like the drive. My good friend R and her husband let me stay with them for a few days this week just to have a rest from the chaos of my parents’ house and to be near friends and church; it turned out that I didn’t catch up with any friends while I was there but it was still a nice time. R came with me to inspect a Christian share house on Saturday, the people were lovely but the house was too old for my liking. I don’t think I’d feel comfortable there, It’s a shame because I’d love to live with fellow Christians and I can’t seem to find anything through my church or a couple of bigger ones whose message boards I’ve had a look at. I hope I find somewhere suitable soon I really miss being close to everything.

(After a three hour break)

I just got back from L’s house, my first visit to where she is now living. It was a great night, lovely to see her. I need to start seeing friends more often and doing things in general. I get very bored sitting at home all day, I’ve been filling my time by reading and watching bad television. I’ve thought about getting a job since my health is so much better but I think it’s a bit too soon into my wellness to be doing that, more hospitalisations could be needed, after all I’ve only been out a week since my little admission and it’s only been six weeks since I’ve been generally well. I expect the good health to continue but it is still early days. There’s also the location to consider; if I get a job near my parents for convenience now and then move I’ll regret it and if I get one in the East and I can’t find a house over there for a long time I’ve got a lot of driving on my hands for a while. There’s also the risk that I’ll get accepted into a graduate diploma in education and will have to quit the job or beg for flexible hours. Oooo, I haven’t mentioned that yet… A few weeks ago I applied for that course, I found a uni which has the 12 month course and offers drama as a specialisation, I’ve applied to study part time, so it will actually take me two years but that’s better than the four years it would take me to do the two year course that seems to be everywhere else. Sadly I don’t think I’ll get into the course because I had to put in a very late direct application rather than going through VTAC. The uni offers places to VTAC applicants first and then if there are any left they look to the direct applicants. Not only do I have the lateness against me but my academic record from my undergrad is terrible, I was lazy and sick and so it took me six years to do a three year course and most semesters I was enrolled in four subjects, that means I failed or withdrew from about half of them!

I don’t have anything else to write about, well I can’t remember anything else to write about, there’s probably a lot I’ve forgotten which people are probably surprised I haven’t shared. Oh well, I have to cope with the poor memory and hope it gets better. If my Christian readers could pray for that I’d be appreciative and also that I get into the course, I really need something to fill my time and I think drama teaching would be a good career choice for me it would provide a stable job and I’d get to be creative, I’m good with youth too which is kind of necessary!

Word Stew

My vision has returned enough to be going on with daily life, but I still have to strain to see up close, and I have to rest my eyes frequently. I’m now completely off Zeldox and Cogentin, so far it doesn’t seem like I’ll need a replacement, I’m actually fine! I wonder if I might be coming to the end of all this, the prospect scares me, because if I’m well then it means I’ve got no excuse not to be working and studying hard. I worked two days this week and I was watching the clock from the moment I arrived, I need work I find interesting and challenging but I won’t find it unless I keep doing well at uni, which I won’t finish for another 7.5 years if my study load doesn’t increase. I’m already thinking of dropping my one and only subject for this semester, the eye thing set me back two weeks, I have no creative energy and deadlines are flying by...

Waste

The man with the energy vacuum has been to visit, he took everything and I have to go out soon, I can hardly walk from the lounge to the kitchen! I love the clarity in my mind at the moment, it’s what I imagine most people have going on in there, but the amount of drugs it takes to keep me there is really quite high. Some of the side effects are getting too much to handle, and I worry that I’ll need to come off or reduce some drugs, there ending my brief encounter with sanity. In October I’m doing a two week inpatient CBT program, which if successful will mean I can start coming down on the antidepressants, which should mean I won’t need the others. There are a lot of maybes, but at least there’s a plan. I fear losing what I have now because in the bad times I can’t remember that this is possible. I hope these more positive posts will help me when things do go bad, I won’t have to trust my Dr; I can trust my own words that sanity exists, even for me.

Thanks for your comments last week, they were helpful and encouraging. Thanks also to my non Christian readers for not encouraging me to quit, and for one even telling me to persevere.

One last thing... I DON’T HAVE MS! My symptoms have been put down to anxiety, you wouldn’t believe how much the mind can affect the body. 

One Wrong Girl

Today I felt extraordinarily good, and I still do. I left the house twice, both quite long outings, one of which involved walking Rico. I had a nap in the evening and then a friend came over for a cup of tea and a chat. I have a little smile on my face at the moment and there’s no one here to pretend it’s there for. I thought I’d never feel this way again; I’ve got to get rid of the tiredness and then maybe I’m okay. I don’t have much to write about at the moment, I’ve been spending my time knitting, sleeping and watching Mad Men and Spooks. I doubt you want to hear about my knitting errors, and plot lines I can’t remember because I’m half asleep; so let this post act as a record that I was wrong about never getting better, I take now with the tiredness over any given day in the last 14 months and many, many days before that.