No Deadly Lamictal Rash Yet

This is what it is currently taking to keep me alive and kicking – well forget the kicking, it’s more of a dawdle between necessary places.

Morning:

5mg Neulactil

250mg Nuvigil

Currently 50mg Lamictal – dose is being raised a bit every 10 days

2000IU Vitamin D
2 puffs Seretide 500/50

5PM:

10mg Neulactil

8PM:

900mg Lithium

200mg Seroquel

10mg Neulactil

15mg Imovane
2 puffs Seretide 500/50

PRN (when needed):

2mg Xanax

200mg Seroquel

2mg Lorazepam

I’m in hospital at the moment, it’s been 12 days. I’m planning to discharge on Tuesday as I’m getting nowhere and I don’t see how my current state of mind will be any different depending on my location. I can sedate myself more at home, so that’s a bonus. I came in because my anxiety was crippling, it’s still bad but I think I can cope. My mood is low as always, the Lamictal is supposed to help that once I’m up to treatment dose. If the Lamictal fails I’ll be put on an antidepressant I haven’t previously been on – the list is growing short.

I can’t explain in words how over all this I am.

Ten

Tonight is my last night in the hospital. I wasn't given much notice; my doctor decided only last night. It might have been a compassionate move to save me from a shared room. When you misbehave in here they can move you for your own safety. I think it's just to be dicks. I told the NUM that if he moved me I'd discharge myself. And if I weren't able to discharge I'd just camp in the hall refusing to go into my new room until they either gave my single room back or let me go home. So the naughty thing. I absconded a little bit. By stealth I got out the door, but then came back after about 30 seconds because the reality of the situation hit me - the police would be at the train station before me, and then I'd be taken to the psych ward I most dread. Not long after my return I needed to calm down, and the best way to do that is by cutting myself, so I smashed a mug in my bathroom and planned to cut my leg with the shards. I've got two pairs of black pants and two pairs of black leggings here, so I'd be able just to let it bleed without needing to patch it up and no one would notice. A nurse came in before I was able to do anything, and very shortly after, my doctor. I probably would have got caught anyway, as what I really want is a long gash from elbow to wrist, sometimes I can just feel what it is I need, and that's it at the moment.

TMS is finished, I was supposed to have 30, but the Dr running the show stopped it at 28 because it was obviously not working. I have been told it could still work, as it can be delayed. I think I'll just see how I feel while I'm at home and if I want to end it I've got a good method now. I'm only home for ten days anyway, Dr wants to do more TMS on the other side of my head - I had it on the left this time, now for the right. Also, he wants to take me off my antidepressant as we both believe it's doing nothing at all. Still leaves me on seven medications though! Ketamine is still a possibility, Dr has sent multiple emails and was going to call someone today. Dr is going away for ten days - one of the reasons for my discharge, and there have to be seven days at home before a new round of TMS - an insurance thing.

So K, how do you feel about returning to the big wide world?
Thanks for asking. I'm looking forward to catching up with certain friends for whom it is nearly impossible to visit me in hospital. I'm looking forward to getting back into the gym and getting my fitness up to a more respectable level; if that brings about some weight loss too, then great, but I think the weight is going to stay put until I'm off Seroquel. I'm looking forward to sleeping in my own bed. The hospital has upgraded to King singles, and I think my mattress is memory foam, so it's been super comfortable, but there's nothing like your own bed - especially when it's nice and big. I should probably use these 10 days of freedom to go to the dentist, there's nothing wrong but I haven't been this year.

Final thoughts: Don't be surprised to see me with tubi grip on my arm/s. Don't be surprised if I kill myself. Ask me if I want to catch up and I'll probably say yes, the busier I am the better; I've only got 10 days to get through, but that can feel like an eternity.

We'll Help You When You're Better

Today I saw who I thought was my new psychiatrist, I had been looking forward to the appointment thinking it would be the start of getting better. I was wrong, he isn’t taking new patients and it seems my GP referred me to him only for a review, not ongoing treatment. It was a thoroughly useless appointment, after an hour and fifteen minutes I left with the advice to keep taking the medications I’m on, try and get myself into DBT at the Melbourne Clinic, then, once I’m no longer suicidal and struggling with self harm try and get another psychiatrist to see me. I understand his logic, he said that sometimes it is worse for a patient to have lots of medical contact because it reconfirms the idea that they are sick and then they start acting out their diagnosis more. He thinks it is better for me to deal with it myself and get on with life, I wish it was that easy. Basically it’s up to me, I have to decide to get better or get a move on and kill myself. Do any of you have a magic ‘get better now’ potion?

The Rash

Just when things start to look up...

I moved house on Saturday and I love it, I have one house mate and one potential, both I like. On Saturday morning as I was getting excited about the move I noticed a blister on the back of my shin, it was a little sore so I covered it with a band aid and thought little of it – maybe it was from my jeans rubbing against it I thought (although this has never happened before). It seemed the only logical explanation so on I go with the packing and moving saga. After the excitement and stress of the move died down and I was left alone in my beautiful new home I had a nap. I woke up with a new blister a little below the first, at this stage I became worried, firstly thinking it was the dreaded Lamictal rash which means you have to stop the medication – one I think is actually working. Then my mind went into overdrive and started to diagnose me with all of the worst conditions known to mankind; telling myself this was stupid I then returned to the original thought that maybe my jeans had been cruel to me and off I trotted to F’s Christmas party; although I was sore all night I had fun.

Following F’s party I experienced a strange feeling of contentment, this continued throughout Sunday even today. Everything was going well, I enjoyed a party rather than cowering in a corner, Church was good and I even paid attention and did I mention I love my house! The contentment faded as I became troubled by the increasing pain of the blisters and not convinced by my jeans excuse. I rolled on down to the GP and... Stop Lamictal, get off Lamictal, stop it now, no actually wean off it, no stop it now, ummmm I don’t know, call your old psychiatrist but stop it now, no come off it 50mg every three days, that’s what my computer tells me but that’s just for normal discontinuation ummmmmm do that! He was of course a little subtler that that, but it was the general feel of the consultation.

A little about the Lamictal rash: It isn’t just a rash, if ignored it can develop into Stevens-Johnson Syndrome or Toxic Epidermal Necrolysis, both potentially fatal diseases in which the skin detaches from other layers, welts and dies, airways become blocked and it’s just generally bad. The GP’s advice is not to be taken lightly but I think before reducing my dose tomorrow morning I will try to get advice from someone with more knowledge in the area. If the GP is wrong about the rash then I’m coming off a drug which has helped me, if he’s wrong about weaning off it rather than cold turkey then I could advance to one of the above conditions. Be it weaning or cold turkey I’m going to be feeling very sick for the next two weeks so don’t expect much in the way of posts, maybe the occasional ten word whinge!

To K. Merry Christmas. Lots of love, your body.

That's It!

I’ve had enough of all this shit, being passed from doctor to doctor, psychologist to psychologist, being told some psychs aren’t taking new patients, being told I’m too difficult for others. You have 11 days to say goodbye, my birthday is a good day to die. I think jumping off a very high cliff is a great idea, it’s certain death and quick, I don’t want any of these half hearted overdoses or wrist cuts, I want definite.

So that’s one way of thinking about it, or...

I’ve had enough of all this shit, being passed from doctor to doctor, psychologist to psychologist, being told some psychs aren’t taking new patients, I’m too difficult for others, finding some who charge millions for 5 minutes of their time. How am I supposed to stick it out until everyone’s back from their Christmas breaks? Apart from being a total mess I only have meds until the 24^th of December, and they’re not right for me anyway. I still have no psychiatrist; today’s trip was just for a prescription. I understand I broke the rules at the last hospital, but abandoning me has done more harm than I think they could imagine... So this is supposed to be the or paragraph, but what can my or be? I can eat valium and temazepam until some miracle psychiatrist comes to save the day - though I’m not sure I have enough meds in stock to do that; I can surround myself with my three friends, wear them out and end up with none; I could tell my parents exactly how I feel and never be left alone long enough to pee; Though I think my favourite idea is running away with Lester and living under a tree.

Maybe plan A is better. 

Happy birthday to me, happy death day to me, happy birthdeath day to meeeee, happy birthdeath day to me!

So Long Firefox

Firefox and I have been having a little tiff lately; it has come to the point at which our relationship needs to end. My new blog layout looks exactly (more or less) how I want in Explorer, which I shamefully admit I have been using on and off. Today I logged into this blog (and looked as a visitor) with Firefox to find that everything is different and to be frank looks like utter shit. I’ve now installed Google Chrome in the hope that I can have good web browsing without the hassle of Explorer and the outright war with Firefox. My relationship with Chrome is about five minutes old, but the blog looks as it should. I guess I have a bit of customising to do before I’m happy with Chrome.

Hospital update – The new hospital didn’t get back to us before close of business yesterday so I had another night here. They better get this dealt with today I can’t stand the wait. Even if they won’t take me, at least I have an answer and I can try the few other options which remain.

I know this was a pretty boring post I’m just having a public vent. Sorry for wasting your time.