Theatre Envy

Tonight L, her friend another L and I went to Theatreworks to see two plays by last year's NIDA directors graduates, they were Howl directed by Daniel Lammin, and Thirst, directed by Eugene O'Neill, both were excellent; Thirst was beautiful, and Howl very moving and it seems provocative as five audience members left! It put me in a writing mood, but now by time I've got home, settled in and sat down the urge is gone and I just feel depressed. My mood has been slowly deteriorating throughout the week, I haven't even been out of hospital a full week, but I already feel I need more TMS, looks like I'll be going on the maintenance program! They told me to call up if I felt things were going wrong, I just hope they'll be able to help me despite my doctor being on leave, I don't want to wait until he gets back for anything to be done. I'm yet to act on them but my self-harm urges are quite strong and I don't think I can keep them at bay for much longer, especially when part of me is already resigned to losing the battle, I gave into them twice in hospital only in minor ways, I want to do it properly now.

I want to go to bed and escape the world but I've run out of sleeping tablets and I've slept about 15 of the last 24 hours, I don't like my chances tonight, shit!

Death and Hormones

Barbara’s death is slowly hitting me, people are posting photos and videos of her on facebook, that’s hard, but I look at them because I imagine her account will eventually be closed and I may never see her image again.

I’m not well today, and I can’t tell my mum who is just in the next room, because I really want to go home on Wednesday. I love having my own space, and I think how I feel is partly hormonal, even on the pill, the few days on the sugar tablets are bad; that combined with the Lovan reduction isn’t going to be helping me.

I want to start a small theatre company, it’s been my dream since I was 14 and I’m now giving it some serious thought. I write well, I act well and I direct very well; I just need a bunch of other people to join me and probably money etc.

Four Frikkin Thirty AM

There are currently no public psych beds available anywhere in Victoria! I spoke with CAT tonight and they would have admitted me, but no room, they already had four or five people sitting in various emergency departments crossing all their digits for a bed. I have to call a private hospital which wasn’t on my “go to” list at 9am to see if their resident psych can admit me. It’s getting a little ridiculous; I am very well insured, surely someone wants my fund’s money?  I can’t stop fidgeting, my heart is racing and irregular, I can’t sleep despite six hours of trying. I might just kill time until 9am rolls around, make the call and then try again at this sleep thing. I spent the last two hours (in bed on my phone) researching either purchasing or hiring a spiral staircase so I can stage my play, the problem is - being a short - we’d need to strike the set very quickly for the next piece to come on, or set up very quickly if we were last (or both if we’re not first or last), the staircase might be problematic, and since it’s called “The Stairs” and they are integral I don’t think ditching them is an option. This might have to be one that stays on paper – Unless I make it a full play, but I think this is right at its current length.

I wish sedatives still worked on me without having to resort to dangerous doses.

Motivation, Medication and Mingling

The heading is as far as my alliteration skills go. I would like to offer you a witty post about the above, but I can’t, so live with it.

I’ve been on a bit of a downward slope for a couple of weeks, as I’m sure my last few posts attest. On top of the general borderline symptoms worsening (the most painful of which is overwhelming emptiness) my agoraphobia has decided it’s time for a visit. I was quite sure that I banished it with such nastiness it would be timorous to return, but it seems I am not the cruel hag I thought. If anyone with agoraphobia ever offers to go to a supermarket for you on a Saturday morning, you ought to marry them. If a prospective director with agoraphobia is ever invited to a theatre company’s season reveal and is struggling to get out of the front door, you ought to drag her there by her hair. (tonight please)

Due to the increase in agoraphobia and decrease in mood my GP, on Friday, decided to increase my Lovan dose. I’ve been on this dose before but my heart protested, we thought we’d give it another try anyway. It takes a while for drug changes to take effect – unless it’s withdrawal, that’s just cruel! So far I’ve noticed no change with the Lovan. I have built up an impressive tolerance to Valium, five tablets did nothing to me on Thursday night. GP thought a replacement might be in order! Murelax, welcome to my life! With a name like that I think I’ll be calling this one by its ingredient name – Oxazepam, I don’t want people thinking I take laxatives every day. I may be many things, but constipated is not one.

Uni starts in 22 days; I look forward to having a reason to get out of bed. My contact hours are very low, but there will be a lot of work to do. At the moment I’m sleeping about 15 hours a day and in the time I’m awake I’m just waiting until a reasonable hour to knock myself out with my night time drugs. I got up at 3pm today, I woke much earlier but just lay there for hours willing sleep to return. I know inactivity breeds inactivity, but I just can’t bring myself to do anything at the moment, including cooking - which I love - I’ve been eating toast and muesli bars. It’s good for the weight loss though, even without any exercise I’m still dropping a kilo a day.

90 Minutes until I have to walk out the door, I can’t be too drugged because I need to network tonight. Sigh.