Not Quite The End

Almost two weeks' ago, Sunday the 4th of September I took 231 Seroquel 100mg tablets (23.1g). I wasn't planning on waking up, but I did. After taking them I sent a message to my doctor, not asking for help, just to thank him for looking after me for 5 + years. He immediately called me, and I answered. I wasn't at home as I didn't want my housemates to find my body, he talked me into telling him where I was, and he called an ambulance. I really did want to die, so I know I shouldn't have answered the call, but I also didn't want to be alone. I spent the next five days in an unconscious / semi-conscious state with lots of hallucinations. I had a few falls because I kept trying to get out of bed when I couldn't really walk due to the drugs and a seizure brought on by the drugs. My arms are looking more normal now, but they were very bruised, and there is a bone in my wrist that was suspected broken in one of the falls, but the X-ray came back fine.

I've been in my usual psychiatric hospital since Saturday; I was very lucky that they were able to get me a private room the morning after discharge from the medical hospital. I just flatly refuse to come into a shared room no matter how urgent it is, it's not therapeutically beneficial having to tip toe around, and I don't like being in complete silence, so I usually have music playing, something that a roommate wouldn't be too fond of. Because I had no medication for the whole five days I was in the medical hospital (I also didn't eat until the Thursday night) there have been some alterations to my usual meds, the biggest being I'm totally off Seroquel, and they halved my Lithium. The Lithium is being returned to its normal dose as of tonight, thankfully! A few years' ago my doctor tried to take me off Lithium and it was a disaster, I went a little wild. At the moment on the lower dose I'm very flat and don't want to do anything at all, I've spent most of today lying on my bed listening to music either staring out the window or at the wall depending on which side I'm lying on.

I've had all the preliminary tests for ECT done, so I can start at the end of next week if my doctor approves it. He's in London at the moment so I won't see him until Wednesday. I like the doctor who's filling in, but it's not the same as having the opinion of someone who knows me so well (and probably saved my life). Usually when I have ECT I'm severely depressed, which you'd think I am at the moment given that less than a fortnight ago I tried to end my life, but it's not quite that despondent feeling I'm experiencing, it's more so just flatness and profound hopelessness; still I think ECT would be beneficial, so I will be asking for it and if he says yes we can go straight ahead.

I sent off an enquiry about getting a therapy dog today. The restrictions on me getting just a regular dog are that I spend so much time in hospital so it's unreasonable to ask my housemates or Mum to look after it for me. Also I'm renting, and though my current landlord would probably approve a dog it would restrict future houses I could apply to rent (ours is being demolished next year). A therapy dog is allowed anywhere, including hospital, and landlords can't say no. I'd benefit from a constant companion, someone to talk to (even if it can't necessarily talk back) and the responsibility of taking it for walks and generally caring for it. My housemate, R would be concerned about the safety of our chickens with a dog, but I think it would be well trained and not likely to eat or chase the chickens.

Missing

I can't be bothered trying to punctuate properly tonight so please forgive the errors, I do struggle with punctuation, guessing most of the time.

I lead a very lonely life, the only family I have in Australia is my mother and brother, unless you count the ashes of my father and skeleton of my other brother. I have one friend near-by and the rest of them are an hour away. This week I am doing nothing until Thursday, and even that is not until the evening; it is entirely possible that I will not change out of my pyjamas until then. I thought I’d be witty and write a funny post about the little things I miss about certain family members, I got to three paragraphs and realised that I don’t know enough about any of them to miss anything other than the most shallow of details. So I thought I should just write a little ode to my father, but I don’t really know him either. We hardly spoke, a lot of the time I was scared of him, but he was my dad and now he’s gone and I have no opportunity to get to know him.

Here are some things I do know about him that I miss:

• He was a very giving person, he couldn’t show love properly, he spoke through gifts. I do this too.
• He was a hard worker, working up until a couple of weeks prior to his death in the midst of radio and chemo therapy.
• He really loved his older brother, they looked so much alike.
• When Rico (my black cocker spaniel) moved in with my parents the two of them fell in love and dad had a billionty photos of Rico on his phone which we found after his death.
• He could fix things – the house is going to fall apart without him.
• He’s the one who said yes every time I wanted a new pet, including horses!
• He was impulsive.
• I have his eyes.

Left Horse

I poured myself a scotch and coke last night and was reminded how retarded my left hand is after overshooting the shot measure and then – after filling the glass not quite to the rim with coke – picking up the glass, that really wasn’t that full with my left hand and making a rather large mess. I think the only thing my left hand can do well is type. On a qwerty keyboard well over half of the typing is normally done by the left hand anyway. To demonstrate the retardedness of my left hand I thought I’d draw you a picture of a horse. Horses are my favourite real animal, I had two as a teenager. There was April a palomino of mystery breed who nearly killed my dad by throwing him into a fence and then jumping on his arm, and Copper, a chestnut Thoroughbred who was much less terrifying to ride. I would like to note that I did not name either of them.

Anyway, here’s the picture.

Too Many Pets

I had the best dream last night; Rico, although he’s sterilised had a puppy, we never saw the mother, but it was his puppy. My brother came to visit me in hospital and brought heaps of stuff like he was running away, little of it was in suitcases, just mounds. Out of the corner of my eye I saw something in this mountainous pile move; I went over to inspect and found a very very young kitten, it was identical to my parents (also de-sexed) cat, Fiz (I bought her, I didn’t name her), I held the little thing in my hand, one hand was ample size and then I saw more movement. It appeared Fiz had had a huge litter and like any wise mother of 20 decided to abandon them in my brother’s clothes, but not without providing food, for there were many, many mice in there too and just to add to the fun a single guinea pig and Rico’s puppy. Rico had clearly not mated with a fellow cocker spaniel, but it was a cute and happy thing just like him.

That’s the mildest and most fuzzy dream I’ve had in ages, I probably had it because I really miss Rico and I found out yesterday that I’m going to be away from him longer than expected... I’m being transferred to the hospital my last admission was in so they can supervise my Abilify increase, and also keep an eye on some colourful thoughts

I’ve been having. I hope it’s not a long admission.

Not The End

I suppose someday my readers will stumble upon this whilst deleting their browsing history, and they will wonder “what the hell is onereclusivegirl?” and then they will see the labels on the right and remember this blog belonged to a depressed, anxious, borderline, OCD, slightly psychotic, whoops not borderline anymore, girl. She wrote here instead of letting the thoughts eat her alive.

Facebook no longer provides a means to post anything (a link for example) without excluding others from seeing it. I can’t risk my family, or future employers getting their hands on this blog. There will be no more facebook posts, but if you bookmark this you might get a new post here from time to time.

A little update,

I’m on a new drug, Abilify, so far it’s making me nauseous and has caused some visual disturbances. This OCD course isn’t quite right for me, but I am learning. None of my friends live around here, but a SMS or phone call would have been lovely, I’ve had one friend visitor and my parents and dog. It was like this last time too, I just feel out of sight out of mind when in hospital – and a lot of other times if I’m honest. My phone just beeped, the SMS tone and the battery full tone are the same, I just got excited over a full battery... Forgive me while I go and cry in a corner now.

Admission # 9

On Sunday I went for an interview at the hospital running the OCD program, I was told that I might get in the one starting at the end of October, but definitely the December one failing that. Then yesterday I got a call saying “We’ve had someone pull out of the next group, can you come in on Saturday!” So with little time to prepare myself for it I’m off to hospital for my 9^th admission. This time is different, it’s not a crisis admission, but rather a course to teach me (and 7 others) CBT skills for eight hours a day. I don’t really feel like my OCD is bad enough to be doing this program, Lovan takes care of it very well, and I wonder if I should have come off it before the admission so they can see me at my worst. Then I can learn skills to help with the worst, but maybe it will be easier to learn if I’m not distressed. Rico has been amazing lately, the drugs and routine have worked well, I can now leave him inside when I go out without worrying, he doesn’t pound on the window as I walk away and he isn’t so enthusiastic when I get home that he could knock me over. I hope the two week holiday at my parents’ doesn’t send him back to square one.

Black Dog

I got home today to find Rico with his head stuck in the fence, he’d worked a panel loose and got his head between it and the support beam, the nail was resting on top of his head. My neighbour had to break more of the fence so we could get him out; he was well and truly stuck. I’d been meaning to take Rico to the vet for his separation anxiety and vaccinations for a while, but I kept putting it off, today we got there! Rico and I are now on one of the same drugs – Lovan, and he’s on Xanax, a sedative I had a few years ago, quite an effective one actually... We have lots of behaviour modification work to do, but hopefully today is the beginning of the end of home destruction and sad lonely doggy. I must thank K - a vet friend - today should have destroyed my wallet, but it didn’t.

Insomnia is back with all its might, going off the Stilnox was a bad idea, I’m back on it now but it’s not working. I’ve never fainted, but I think I came very close this evening while walking Rico, not from the exercise - I’m not that unfit - but from the movement, and my inability to bring things into focus. I have the same problem when driving, and it’s why I haven’t been doing much of it lately, every time I look anywhere but ahead I’m in trouble. Hopefully I sleep a bit tonight so I can write well tomorrow, I can’t go to art due to the hole in the fence and dog escaping issue, so getting some script done is a good idea.

One Wrong Girl

Today I felt extraordinarily good, and I still do. I left the house twice, both quite long outings, one of which involved walking Rico. I had a nap in the evening and then a friend came over for a cup of tea and a chat. I have a little smile on my face at the moment and there’s no one here to pretend it’s there for. I thought I’d never feel this way again; I’ve got to get rid of the tiredness and then maybe I’m okay. I don’t have much to write about at the moment, I’ve been spending my time knitting, sleeping and watching Mad Men and Spooks. I doubt you want to hear about my knitting errors, and plot lines I can’t remember because I’m half asleep; so let this post act as a record that I was wrong about never getting better, I take now with the tiredness over any given day in the last 14 months and many, many days before that.

It Worked

Rico and I just got back from a walk, he’s a happy boy, but I’ve just spent a week of energy, something I have even less of at the moment. I’m not sure if it’s the drugs or the illness it’s self, but doing anything at all is so hard, I’ve cut back on the sleepers to see if it helps at all. Despite being worn out I’m glad to be where I am now, pre admission I was a mess, and now I’m pretty stable, who knew mood stabilisers would have that effect! Who knew they’d work, I can hardly believe it! I’ve had one strong self harm urge and a couple of medium strength suicidal urges since discharge, and considering I’m a bit anxious about the whole MS thing and I thought everyone in the world hated me, that’s not too bad. I need to get whatever is exhausting me sorted, I should be going to uni this afternoon – not going to happen!

I just realised it has been over two months since any cutting, more than that since an OD and a few weeks since a little incident in hospital. I'm actually doing well, so all in all a happy little post today.

A Lazy List

• Two weeks in hospital today.
• It would be lovely if you came to visit, I only have accompanied leave and it’s starting to feel like a prison.
• There has been an influx of ex patients of the hospital I was banned from; this is mostly a good thing.
• This morning got off to a comical start. There were no cornflakes, so I had Nutri-Grain, it was stale so I threw it away. I then put the croissant bought for me by a friend yesterday in the conveyor toaster, it caught fire (not just a little bit) then I dropped it on the ground. I satisfied my appetite with Wheet-Bix but the honey had run out and that’s what I like to put on them. Later I went to retrieve my clothes from the tumble dryer, only to find it had stopped working over night and they were still wet. Finally I poured myself a glass of water from the carafe in my room, overshot the glass and got water all over the bed side table and in the top drawer.
• I’m starting Zeldox tonight, it was supposed to be last night but they didn’t have any in stock; it’s similar to Seroquel, but without the weight gain, and it’s going to cost me a millionty dollars because it’s not on the PBS. I was wrong about Valdoxan, that's a totally different drug.
• I’ve been very careful to behave in here, there have been a few slip ups - hence the no unaccompanied leave; but I think overall it’s going well. I’ll be here at least another week, I’m hoping to be out in time for the church women’s weekend, I’ll be missing the Young Adult one this coming weekend, I was looking forward to that because I haven’t met many of the younger young adults. 
• Rico finally got groomed, he looks much better and I can now maintain his coat without all the matted hair in the way. I haven’t forgotten about Lester by the way, I miss him, but he really is better off at my parents’.

Snot and Hills

L came over tonight and I cooked a full meal for maybe the third time this year, it was good too. I’m suddenly full of a cold, it came during the night and cold and flu tablets are doing nothing at all for it. I spoke to the hospital today and in their words ‘it will be a couple of weeks’ until I get a new psychiatrist and they can’t admit me before then. I’ve asked my GP to put me on bed brokers if she can – I only left a message for her, so I don’t know what the answer is, but they can get you a private bed anywhere and set you up with a psych, they did it for a friend with only a few days to wait. I’m not too desperate for an admission, which is why I haven’t been carted off to a public hospital, but I think I’d benefit from one at the moment as I’m having huge mood dives, strong impulses, increased anxiety and I’m still having trouble sleeping. It would be nice to make a significant improvement before next semester starts; I’m doing at least two subjects and need to maintain a distinction (preferably HD) average.

I’ve just been poking around on realestate.com, I wish I could afford a helicopter and rental for multiple helipads in areas I frequent. I found several properties in the hills I would love to live in and the rent is so cheap; but in such beautiful surrounds and with a huge drive to get anywhere I’d quickly give in to my inner hermit and never be seen by anyone. Maybe my move to the hills will have to wait until I have a man to push me out the door and someone has been kind enough to give me their helicopter (and flying lessons, helipads, fuel).

To Do List:

Find a man

Become best friends with a dissatisfied helicopter owner

(or) Get ridiculously rich and buy a helicopter

Get a job

Learn to fly

Find beautiful property

Purchase animals for menagerie

Have a throne made so I can survey my property and animals in comfort and style

Crawling

I got a lovely email at 5am from my lecturer asking for the part of the final assignment I hadn’t handed in, my favourite part being “it doesn’t have to be very good, you’re only a few marks away from a HD anyway” and that’s without the whole assignment! I wrote it in an hour and a half whilst playing with S. I’ve never written a script treatment before (or read one) so hopefully it’s enough to get those extra few marks for a HD.

GP called about an hour ago, as predicted she couldn’t get me a private admission without a private psych to admit me, she asked if I thought I was bad enough to go public, I said no, I think I’d rather be left to my own devices than go there again. It shouldn’t be long before I have a new private psych, but once I’ve been accepted it might be a little wait for my first appointment, and even then I might get another who doesn’t admit BPD scum like me!

I met a staghound crossed with a golden retriever today, he took my breath away. Rico is great and all, but my heart really belongs to the giant dogs. Great Dane, Staghound, Saluki, Irish Wolfhound; I’d gladly own a few of each when I have my massive house, a good million acres and servants to care for my menagerie.

Insomnia is not a Toothless Hound

I had a job interview this morning, I had to cancel it due to another bad night’s sleep and general melancholy. It would have been a good job for me, it was a barista role for a hospitality agency, meaning I can accept shifts when I’m well and turn them down when I want to die, making it to the interview would have been a good start.

Whatever is causing the tingling on my left side is getting worse, my face and arm feel awful. I’m not going to the GP for the third time in five days, it’ll wait until my appointment on Tuesday, hopefully I haven’t had a stroke by then! I’m having some guests over tomorrow and need to spend today intensively cleaning my house; Rico has been dragging dirty water in with him and pawing at the windows, the place looks like a squat and smells like one too, thanks to his muddy swimming shenanigans.

I submitted my script last night with five minutes to spare; then I discovered I’d missed part B of the assignment, a treatment of the script. We never went over this in class, I’ve never written one and really can’t be bothered, but I have to. It looks easy enough, I just have no motivation and I can’t find an example for the stage, it seems to be more of a screen thing. I suppose I can do that between cleaning carpets, windows and everything else today. I want a maid.

Rain and Long Haired Dogs

Rico just had his first walk since Sunday partly due to my knee injury, partly due to the rain. It’s bad enough when he comes inside after 30 seconds in the garden for a wee, but with those hairy paws collecting every drop of water they touch, walking in the rain is not something I’m keen to do with him. Because I’m not supposed to walk too much until GP has decided what’s wrong with my knee, I took him to a local sports oval which is fully fenced -cocker spaniels in general have terrible road sense – I realised as we left that it doubles as a flood basin; that would explain why he had a nice muddy swim in the middle of the field! I think it’s time to buy him some doggy gumboots. I walked two laps of the oval and shouldn’t have, my knee is in agony and I don’t have any ibuprofen in the house, paracetamol does nothing for it.

I have one monologue left to write and then I’m finished with uni for the semester, it should only take an hour to write and then another hour to clean up the rest of the script. I saw the new psychologist today, she’s lovely and I really like the clinic, it’s a beautiful old house decorated like a grandma’s place, very cosy. Of course though things can’t be perfect... She’s pregnant, so can only see me for a few months, if I get into the October DBT intake that’ll be okay though  because they ask you to stop seeing your own psychologist.

If you prayed for me, thanks! I slept 8-9 hours the night before last and got some sleep last night too. 

Good iz Me

I iz a good riter, yes? Yes! Over the last three days I’ve spent a total of 2.5 hours on my script, that’s pretty slack, but Mr lecturer dude and da klass loved it. I’ll stop the spelling and grammar errors here, it doesn’t suit me. For the first time since starting this project I’m actually thinking of producing it, I could enter it in Short and Sweet but I would have to enter as an independent theatre company if I want to direct it myself, or surrender directing rights to whichever short and sweet director chooses it (if any). So who wants to be in my theatre company? I found out today that I can start my PhD much sooner than I thought, I just have to do six coursework subjects, swap to research and then ask to have my project upgraded to PhD – that means making it a bigger project, but since I already had a small one and  a large one in mind, that’s no problem.

I fell over on my doorstep Monday afternoon, there is a narrow ramp and my foot slipped off the edge, I landed strangely and hurt my knee and back, I think the knee will stick around for a while. That’s two falls in two days, I fell very ungracefully at church Sunday night, walking from carpet onto hard floor in new boots with slippery heels, thankfully there was a chair next to me which I was able to grab hold of and slow the fall. Insomnia is back in all its glory, the last five nights have been awful, Sunday night / Monday morning I fell asleep around 5am, woke about 8, slept for a half an hour and then woke after a very realistic dream in which I’d confronted the housemate we don’t like and thought it had really happened. Eventually I got up at 1pm after on and off sleep. I’m staying at my parents’ for a while because it’s hard to look after yourself on no sleep, I need to go to their GP tomorrow and ask for Imovane; that’s the sleeper which gave me hallucinations last time I took it, but I’m quite sure that was because of Lamictal, I’d taken Imovane previously without any issues. Rico is here with me, he’s great with the cats, they’re still pretty scared though.

Three Unrelated Paragraphs

I spent this weekend not sleeping and not doing anything productive. My major script workshop is on Wednesday and I’ve written zero words! I think it’ll be okay though, it’s almost finished in my head, the actual writing part is trivial yeah? Rico is earning his keep, he has so far destroyed one blind, one window frame and one door frame, but he has also prevented one overdose; well done Rico! He needs a proper groom, I’ve been brushing him regularly but he already had some matted hair on his legs when I got him; he snaps when I go near it, I can’t brush it out because it’s like dreadlocks, I cut a few off but he has obviously had a bad grooming experience, he was shaking, had his tail tucked right in and ran away at any given opportunity. I think once it’s sorted out prevention will be easy enough with a thorough daily brush.

I’ve asked to change small groups, the coordinator is going to work out which ones aren’t full and where I’d fit well and then I’ll give a few a try (if there are a few). No one is happy about my decision to leave my current group but I don’t think it’s going to work for me, I’m too bitter because of my experience on the first week and now when I go I’m looking for things to pick on and expecting to disagree with everything, so of course it happens. Everything in my life is hard, and holding onto faith is perhaps the hardest. I think I’m enduring enough and that maybe taking the easy option here is not such a bad thing.

I’ll be West for a couple of weeks getting looked after by Mummy and Daddy - unless Rico doesn’t like it there, in which case I guess I’ll be there for one night. I’m feeling pretty horrible and very unsafe, I don’t have any fall backs this week because my GP is in Vanuatu, my first psychology appointment is not until the 9^th, I don’t yet have a new psychiatrist and my current one actually has a policy of not taking crisis phone calls, that leaves me with the CAT team to tell me to have a bath instead of overdosing and slicing myself open – thanks! I hope I sleep tonight, my head hurts so much, I’m dizzy and I have goose bumps all over my body, please body, just be kind for a little while.

Eight Sentences

• Rico bit some chunks off my living room window frame – I was only out four hours!
• I have a new psychologist, and she’s within 10 minutes of my house, first appointment is 9/6.
• My GP increased Lovan this morning.
• I was going to break my arm last night and cut off a toe this morning – I got over it, probably should have mentioned my desire for 9 toes to GP though. Yes I am crazy, you all know that.
• I can’t sleep – feel awful.
• Should walk Rico, it’s rather wet outside, but maybe if I don’t he’ll eat the washing machine, fridge, couch etc in protest, little bastard!
• Call me and come over if you want to, company would be nice, I’ll try not to be horrible.

Day Seven

Daddy put in a dog door today, this means that tonight I won’t have to keep getting up to let Mr Rico out. I was already having trouble sleeping last night and when I finally drifted off he decided it was time to go out, eventually I got back to sleep only to be woken again, and then again by my house mate leaving for work – I didn’t get back to sleep that time. It is currently 5:04pm, I think I’ll be in bed within two hours and I’m not getting up for anyone, even a beautiful cocker spaniel. Today we went out for coffee with R and S (S is two and a bit – well nearly three actually) After coffee we went to a park with autumn leaves everywhere and the four of us ran, had leaf showers and general fun. Everyone loves Rico, strangers pat him and coo over him, thankfully I’m not in an “I hate everyone” stage – maybe so many friendly strangers will help me get over that.

GP wasn’t annoyed, a little concerned, but happy to let me continue without meds; I told her the whole truth, but since my plan backfired that’s okay. She was more concerned that I hadn’t contacted the new psychologist yet – I have to get on that because GP is having a week off soon and I’m not going to have any support while she’s gone, which will coincide with Lovan being completely out of my system. I was wrong about it only sticking around for a few days – that’s the half life, but there are traces floating around for two weeks. The hospital I’m doing DBT at called today to say that I can probably see one of their female psychiatrists, but rather than using a new referral from my GP they want my current psychiatrist to handball me, that means I have to see him at least one more time, be assertive and hope he doesn’t give me to someone else who doesn’t admit.

Day Six

I am the alpha dog!

I haven’t enrolled in dog training yet, but I’m implementing a few strategies using the Alpha dog method. Rico has a bit of food aggression and I’d like to get rid of it rather than avoiding him when he’s eating or munching on a bone. Starting this morning I’ve been making sure he sees me eat before him and then sitting with him, asking him to sit and then putting small handfuls of dry food in his bowl, patting him whilst he eats, when he finishes each small handful he is asked to sit again and gets another if he obeys; he got used to it very quickly and is already showing improvement. He doesn’t get to sleep on my bed anymore because the alpha dog gets the best sleeping spot and doesn’t share, I still let him in my room but he has his own bed. He also has to walk behind or beside me on the lead and sit before passing through a door – and I get to go first. I don’t like not letting him have a roam about on the lead (I’ve got a 5m retractable one) but that’s only temporary until he knows I’m the boss. I liked having him on my bed, but he is much bigger than Lester and I think I’d like the freedom to roll over if I so desire.

I wrote one scene last night and another tonight, they took less than an hour each and I can’t tell if they’re any good. I can pick the quality of other peoples work, but I think whatever mark I get for my work will always come as a surprise. I’ll submit both of them tomorrow and hope they scrape a distinction – I need at least distinction average for my first six subjects.

GP in the morning, I don’t think she’ll be happy with my Lovan abandonment but she’ll be glad I’m off Seroquel. A friend pointed out to me today that I risk losing her support by stopping the meds, I hadn’t thought of that, but I’m willing to start taking them again if she really wants me to and I don’t have a history of going off meds.

Day Five

Sore head, mood getting worse, feeling violent.

Rico doesn’t quite get the idea of sleeping by my feet, he snuggled up next to me with his head on the pillow this morning, very cute, but a little odd.