K Minus Seroquel

It has been a week since I took 30 200mg tablets of Seroquel – 6g for those of you with my maths skills. I hoped for at least 24 hours unconscious, but I got less than 12. As usual I made sure they were spent in hospital, I’m not stupid enough to let my housemates find me like that. I lost a lot of housemates in my 20s through frequent overdoses, although I think even then I got myself to hospital. Anyway, I digress. Since returning home I haven’t taken any Seroquel, my daily dose was 200mg plus another 200mg if I needed it. I dared not take it on Friday night as the huge dose from the previous night was still very much in my system, same Saturday night. By Sunday I was functioning normally again, no slurred speech, no tremor, I could see and hold a cup of tea without spilling it all over the table. I thought maybe if it’s slowly come out of me I could continue just letting it leave my system and not return to my usual dose. Monday was the first real test, I thought by then the overdose would have worked its way out of me and I’d be running on empty. Well, I got to sleep and I haven’t done anything wild. I am on many other drugs, but Seroquel really controls you.

Since Friday I’ve lost 4kg, I’m hardly ever hungry and I can’t quite explain the feeling, just different. I think being off Seroquel is going to be very good for me. It drastically slows the metabolism and makes you ravenous all the time, hence the 50kg I’ve gained since starting it. Together with my gym visits three times a week I may get back to a size I’m not repulsed by.

I have a lot more to share with you but I’m going to leave it for another post.

Good Evening.

K

Ten

Tonight is my last night in the hospital. I wasn't given much notice; my doctor decided only last night. It might have been a compassionate move to save me from a shared room. When you misbehave in here they can move you for your own safety. I think it's just to be dicks. I told the NUM that if he moved me I'd discharge myself. And if I weren't able to discharge I'd just camp in the hall refusing to go into my new room until they either gave my single room back or let me go home. So the naughty thing. I absconded a little bit. By stealth I got out the door, but then came back after about 30 seconds because the reality of the situation hit me - the police would be at the train station before me, and then I'd be taken to the psych ward I most dread. Not long after my return I needed to calm down, and the best way to do that is by cutting myself, so I smashed a mug in my bathroom and planned to cut my leg with the shards. I've got two pairs of black pants and two pairs of black leggings here, so I'd be able just to let it bleed without needing to patch it up and no one would notice. A nurse came in before I was able to do anything, and very shortly after, my doctor. I probably would have got caught anyway, as what I really want is a long gash from elbow to wrist, sometimes I can just feel what it is I need, and that's it at the moment.

TMS is finished, I was supposed to have 30, but the Dr running the show stopped it at 28 because it was obviously not working. I have been told it could still work, as it can be delayed. I think I'll just see how I feel while I'm at home and if I want to end it I've got a good method now. I'm only home for ten days anyway, Dr wants to do more TMS on the other side of my head - I had it on the left this time, now for the right. Also, he wants to take me off my antidepressant as we both believe it's doing nothing at all. Still leaves me on seven medications though! Ketamine is still a possibility, Dr has sent multiple emails and was going to call someone today. Dr is going away for ten days - one of the reasons for my discharge, and there have to be seven days at home before a new round of TMS - an insurance thing.

So K, how do you feel about returning to the big wide world?
Thanks for asking. I'm looking forward to catching up with certain friends for whom it is nearly impossible to visit me in hospital. I'm looking forward to getting back into the gym and getting my fitness up to a more respectable level; if that brings about some weight loss too, then great, but I think the weight is going to stay put until I'm off Seroquel. I'm looking forward to sleeping in my own bed. The hospital has upgraded to King singles, and I think my mattress is memory foam, so it's been super comfortable, but there's nothing like your own bed - especially when it's nice and big. I should probably use these 10 days of freedom to go to the dentist, there's nothing wrong but I haven't been this year.

Final thoughts: Don't be surprised to see me with tubi grip on my arm/s. Don't be surprised if I kill myself. Ask me if I want to catch up and I'll probably say yes, the busier I am the better; I've only got 10 days to get through, but that can feel like an eternity.

Men

What kind of (Christian) man wants a 32-year-old, overweight woman struggling with three mental illnesses? That's not rhetorical - shoot! Actually, before you try to think of shooting ideas, here are some good things about me... I fancy myself a good, loyal friend, I'm very giving, actually both giving and receiving gifts are my love language, Depends on your sense of humour, but I think mine's good - darkish though. I think I've got a nice face despite the extra fat and I might be smart; lots of people say I am but I did poorly at school and only achieved really good marks in my performance and script writing units at uni.  I am trying to shift the weight, it was caused by one of my medications - it's not uncommon to gain 40kg very fast when you begin taking it, and that's exactly what happened to me. I started going to the gym before my UK trip, and I will pick that up again once I'm out of here. I'm also on a much more sensible diet than the "eat nothing but an egg and a mandarin a day" diet I tried while I was away.

I'm man hunting at the moment, to be honest I'd rather be hunted than do the hunting, but none are looking my way. I guess if they're not put off by the weight they're put off by the fact that I've spent most of this year in hospital. I think in a relationship I wouldn't be too difficult though; when I'm really down it's not like I walk around the house crying for days, I call my doctor and get it dealt with. I haven't taken an overdose since last year, and after this stint of TMS I should only be coming in for three days every month for TMS maintenance, this will really give me my life back, and I want to spend it with someone!

If the TMS continues to last with the ongoing maintenance I'll go back to uni in 2019 to finish my Masters. Everyone agrees that next year is a bit too optimistic. In the meantime I've got to get off my considerably large bottom and write this novel.

So, if you can think of a man for me, send him my way!

I'm Too Happy to Buy Bottled Death

I'm writing this mostly for myself so I can remember that good times are possible.

I got home from hospital on Thursday, my last two TMS treatments being on Wednesday, and I feel good, verging on great. I woke up this morning smiling because I'd slept a 10-hour night right through with no extra sedatives; do bear in mind though that I had my normal sedatives - Neulactil, Stilnox, Seroquel and Lorazepam. I had a rather freaky dream, but not of the scary kind, so I didn't wake up troubled. My housemates and I just went to Bunnings and walking down the chemical aisle I briefly thought "If I drink that I could kill myself" but I pushed it out of my head really fast, normally I'd be thinking about whether or not I should buy it to keep handy for a really bad day or series of days.

Right now I'm letting my brunch digest before I go to the gym for the first time in my life. My support worker was able to get me $7 casual sessions at a nearby(ish) gym. I'm terribly unfit at the moment and I want to be able to walk more than 10 minutes when I'm in the UK so I can explore places, especially Edinburgh, it's quite hilly and the best bits are high up. When I get back my doctor is going to try to get me off Seroquel so I can drop some weight - an impossible task when taking Seroquel; currently I'm 113.5 KG, size 20. Somehow the change from size 18 to 20 felt really traumatic, much more so than going from 16 to 18. I'd like to drop some weight before the trip but I really don't think that's realistic now with it being only 10 days away, but hopefully if I go to the gym every day or every second day my fitness will improve a bit.

That's all I've got to say for now.

Happy K signing off!