The last week has been particularly hard for me, nothing I can think of has happened to trigger it, but since Wednesday or Thursday I’ve been feeling much worse. I hardly left my room on Friday, and on Saturday my mum practically dragged me out of the house. I’m constantly having to apologise to my mum for my behaviour; she’s tasting my wrath the most because she’s the only one who checks up on me and tries to get me out and about. I know she is trying to help and I shouldn’t be lashing out at her, but I do. I pushed her on Saturday because she was standing too close and wouldn’t move, immediately I felt terrible and apologised. I’m not a violent person and it came out of nowhere, she took it in her stride and didn’t seem to mind, making me feel even guiltier. As well as all this pent up anger, my anxiety has increased and mood significantly decreased. I’ve needed more valium to control the shaking that comes with anxiety and that also helps with the sharp mood changes, but not enough. Despite seeing four friends in the last week I’ve felt lonelier than ever, thank you to C.O, M.M, C.M and M.S for taking the time to spend with me, and sorry if I was bad company.
Given my decrease in mood and constant feeling of loneliness I have asked M (the ex for new readers) if I may bring Lester (cat) to live at my parents while I am here. I was reluctant to do this because I will have to give him back when I return to my own house (no pets aloud), unless I am able to find somewhere else to live where he can come; Also I fear that he may escape, my dad isn’t very good at shutting doors and Lester is an indoor-only boy. I might have to put signs on all the doors as a reminder. I expect M will have no problems with this arrangement, and hopefully having Lester with me will brighten my world; I love him dearly, to the point where I used to miss him when I went out for only a few hours, let alone these weeks I’ve spent away from him.
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