The Non-Dragon Story

Some clarification for my dear readers; I didn’t want to go into the details on here until I’d spoken to a couple of friends in person. On Friday I took too much oxazepam, and made three cuts on my wrist, one hitting a vein, I passed out in the hospital waiting room and woke up eight hours later in ED. On Monday I cut my wrist again, opening the same vein, it bled a lot more and scared the crap out of me (I think that’s a good thing) but I worry that I’ll do it again because it didn’t hurt at all and it bled so fast. My GP asked me to start taking Lovan again; I’m currently on the lowest dose – that won’t last. I have to throw away the rest of my sedatives, I almost took the rest tonight but resisted because I’ll lose my friends, I hate being a woman, stupid hormones are responsible for tonight’s mood.

A note for random internet folk who comment on the blog, don’t leave your initial because I’ll think you are trying to make yourself known to me, but not everyone else, then when you leave a nasty comment I’ll think my friends with that initial are responsible – it gets messy.

Contact

Taking inspiration from L’s blog I have set up an email account for anyone who wants to ask questions or discuss something in a non-public manner. I will not reply to abusive tirades – be nice. onereclusivegirl@yahoo.com 

Good Things

I’m a bit saddened by the negative comments on my second-last post, it reminds me that not all my readers are behind me. I could make the blog invite only, or not allow comments, but I want to know the thoughts of others – even the ignorant ones. I don’t know who most of my readers are, the only ones who know my identity are those I’ve enabled to see the link through facebook, others are just random net folk – some sympathisers, some who would probably commit genocide if they were to rule any nation. I wonder why the latter feel the need to comment, if my blog offends them so, all they need to do is hit the “next blog” link to find something that may be more suited to their tastes, or go read a book, clean the kitchen, do some work, take the dog for a walk – and think about me longing for my Great Dane whilst doing so. Thanks L for fighting for me, I lack your ferocity.

Preamble over

I might be going home tomorrow, I have to write up an ‘action plan’ for what to do next time I feel like taking my whole drug stockpile and feel too rebellious to seek help. This is going to be a difficult task, because when I don’t want help it’s because I’m thoroughly convinced that what I’m about to do is a fantastic idea, how are a few words scribbled on a sheet of A4 going to convince me otherwise? I said I might be going home; it is not a definite because bed brokers still have some time to get back to us. I’m not holding my breath. I know that good things are what happen to other people – you may think continued hospitalisation is not a good thing, but when it provides therapy, little stress and zero access to dangerous things, it is good. But not - as two of my readers believe - forever. I have to go to uni, participate in the community – in my case the church, I have to make art – the only thing I can do well. Having a hard to treat illness does not deserve punishment, after all, involuntary admission is little different to prison, the punishment isn’t the surroundings (though they are mostly unpleasant) but the deprivation of freedom.

I went to church last night, I made a special effort to get there for the baptism of my friend. It was the first time I’ve sung since coming to this church, the first time I’ve felt anything and the first time I really knew I was in the right place. (though I have been fond of this church since my first visit). Maybe the cement slab blocking the passage from brain to heart is beginning to fracture.

Reply to a Fool's Comment

Thanks for that! I don’t welcome closed minded comments here and it will be deleted in a few days, but first I will give my other readers the opportunity to read my response. If-fact so you don’t delete the comment yourself in the mean time I will insert it at the bottom of this post and then delete them both.

You seem to be a bit of a psychiatry cynic, to a degree I used to share those sentiments but when you have seen firsthand the efficacy of drugs and therapy it is a little hard to remain so. If I stop taking the drugs I won't be able to leave the house or eat anything (though that might do me some good), because I will believe most things have been poisoned and that people are following me. My brother and I shared the same traumatic upbringing – though I was born early enough to enjoy the really shitty stuff – he was diagnosed with ADHD at four – many years before I became ill, and his current antics are an adolescent expression of ADHD with a mixture of other shit thrown in. When I said he was following in my footsteps I did not mean that he was mimicking me, but that the combination of nature and nurture seems to be producing a similar result. In-case you missed the sarcastic note I am not proud of this. If I could have moved him out with me when I left at 21 I would have gladly raised him myself to save him from this. I'm not putting my parents through anything, what they don't know won't hurt them, as far as they're concerned I'm fine, he’s the one causing the stress at the moment.

I agree that I have too much time on my hands and I hope my return to uni next month will help with this, in fact I’m sure it will. And I do not try to be happy, sometimes happiness comes to visit but I do not mourn its departure. Next time you get gastro, or any other debilitating virus tell yourself to buck up and go for that run you’ve been putting off, you may then see how ridiculous that advise is.

                    Anonymous said...

Grow up! You should be ashamed of yourself putting your parents through this. Now your behavior has affected your baby brother. We all go through Hell. My mother told us kids when were full of self pity and wanting to die, "you don't have permission to kill yourself". Simply put and to the point, I have never forgotten that. Stop being selfish and channel your self-hatred into something positive like poetry, or write a play. You are studying drama or theatre, aren't you? Get off the drugs they're feeding you and buck up, stop trying to be happy and just keep moving forward. You have too much time on your hands.

Re-Posted Privacy Note

I have some new readers so I'm re-posting a note on privacy.

I’ve had a few people mention how open I am being about everything by linking this blog to facebook and posting the link fairly regularly etc. I’m not as open as you think. My facebook settings are personalised to prevent a lot of my friends from seeing those particular comments, and the link is also hidden from a lot of people. “Ahh”, you may say “but I can see them and I haven’t seen you in years”; well that means that I view you as someone who would not think less of me because of this blog, and even though I haven’t seen you for a long time I don’t mind you reading this. I also don’t view my-self worthy of being gossip fodder, who would be interested!


I have not listed my name on this blog and I would appreciate anyone who chooses to leave a comment to just refer to me as K and not mention anything else which could easily identify me. Thank you.

A Note on Privacy

I’ve had a few people mention how open I am being about everything by linking this blog to facebook and posting the link fairly regularly etc. I’m not as open as you think. My facebook settings are personalised to prevent a lot of my friends from seeing those particular comments, and the link is also hidden from a lot of people. “Ahh”, you may say “but I can see them and I haven’t seen you in years”; well that means that I view you as someone who would not think less of me because of this blog, and even though I haven’t seen you for a long time I don’t mind you reading this. I also don’t view my-self worthy of being gossip fodder, who would be interested!

I have not listed my name on this blog and I would appreciate anyone who chooses to leave a comment to just refer to me as K. Thank you.