Party Time

Next week came early!

This is a long post about a lot and not much, I needed to write it for myself and I’m posting it just because this is where I put stuff. If you don’t feel like a long read you won’t be missing anything, but if you do feel like a long read here is a semi stream-of-consciousness, I think it has some worth, it gave me a few surprises – excuse the grammar and punctuation, I can’t be bothered!
Also I started this before midnight, so by tomorrow night I actually mean tonight, that doesn't really matter though...

I feel like a bit of a ramble tonight, too many thoughts swimming around to sit still with. I can’t believe how slowly time is ticking by; this time yesterday L and I were just getting back from a short night out. Maybe it feels like a long time ago because I’ve had four separate sleeps since then... It’s not just today, or even this week though; the year is dragging its feet. I’m supposedly starting DBT in September or January, I was discussing this with my GP today and she was disappointed at how far away that is, especially considering she wrote the referral in January this year, then I realised it’s not even May yet, my brain is towards the end of the year ready to greet in 2012, time usually flies, it’s not supposed to drag on like this. At the very same time things are moving along at rocket speed, it is 11 months today since I lost M and started my hospital encounters. I’m sure there will be a somewhat insane 12 month post probably along the lines of “everything sucks, I hate men, I love men, I hate men, they’re all stupid blind creatures who can’t tell when they’re being flirted with even if you shout it in their face and when you finally get one he crushes your heart and sends you to hospital – note, M didn’t make me sick, he just took away the thing I was staying alive for, I need something more permanent than a man to live for. I digress, actually that’s okay this whole post is a digression. So last night feels like days ago, today feels like a few days, 11 months ago feels like not long ago and a lifetime ago simultaneously, there is so little about my current life which resembles then, but the memories are fresh and raw. How have I had six hospital admissions, four psychiatrists, two psychologists, too many drugs, moved three times, found a new church and lots of new friends through it, started a new course and so much more in what feels like a month? This is actually painful to write, I feel I’ve accomplished nothing in the last year, I have in fact accomplished staying alive – not an easy task when you’d rather do anything else – I haven’t worked, I haven’t improved, I haven’t finished anything, I’ve just existed.

I actually started writing about time because I was dwelling on a party I’m supposed to be going to tomorrow night, it is for a dear friend who has stuck by me despite the tyranny of distance and the many years since we were in regular contact. I will know most people at the party, but I haven’t seen or spoken to most of them for six years. I am scared of some of them because I used to care so much about what they thought of me, and even though I am now forgotten part of me still seeks their approval. I’ve been thinking about what I’d wear, who I’d talk to when things got awkward, or if I’d just pretend to be very interested in one of the paintings. It even stopped me cutting my arm today because I didn’t want to wear long sleeves or tubi-grip and fresh marks covered in steri-strips isn’t a good look. I don’t know why I care so much, well yes I do, but it’s stupid. I’m not looking to rekindle any old friendships – frankly the drive out there is horrible and I’d be thrilled if my family and this one friend (I suppose she can bring her husband) moved to my side of the city – I certainly don’t want to pick up, I’m not doing a long distance relationship, plus none of them are my type – I definitely have a type! I should be able to go to the party, hug my friend and be a face in the crowd for her; I feel sick at the thought of it. Some of them read this blog, that’s good, at least when they ask what I’ve been up to and I say I’m not working and only studying one subject they’ll know why. To the others I’m the girl who disappeared six years ago, got fat and is now wasting her life, well that’s what they’ll think when they see me, right now they think nothing of me, I’m very much out of sight out of mind. Or maybe I’m wrong, I actually can’t read peoples thoughts, maybe some of them miss me and think of me regularly, facebook stalk me and hope to see me tomorrow; I wish I could believe that, in truth I feel that to everyone, not just this crowd I am out of sight out of mind, even though several people prove this wrong often, my new church really is full of great people, I should probably stop calling it new, I’ve been there 10 months now and am very settled. I don’t think I’ll go to the party tomorrow, I’d rather take my friend out for a nice meal on me and then I don’t have to share her with dozens of other people. To add to my worries is a Lovan reduction starting tomorrow, it’s been playing with my stomach and the higher dose has possibly increased my anxiety, although I think it helped reduce impulsivity which is a good thing. I’m a lot stronger than I think; I went out last night without any issues (though I was a bit of a wallflower – a very pretty one though!) and I got my monologue done when I thought there was no hope. Maybe I can get through a party and even have a good time? I’m going to change my mind 20 times between now and tomorrow night and I’ll regret not going, but I don’t think I can.

Toast

4:40am. I hurt from coughing. My body is exhausted but my mind won’t let it sleep, the sedatives don’t work and I can’t take more Seroquel (a definite sleep success) because it will ruin all the effort to get off it. 4:41. It has been a semi productive night, I read several Bible passages, I’m working my way through John – though I did start in the middle. 4:42. It’s been a long time since I’ve made any effort with the Bible, or even prayer; I’ve read it twice in a few days now. 4:43. Since I’ve been so out of the habit of reading it I just let it fall open to somewhere in John 4:44 (I think it’s my favourite gospel) and took it from there 4:45. I’m not a slow typist, I’m just tired and thinking slowly. 4:46. Small group was fantastic last night – it was just a dinner, but we all got chatting and it was just 4:47 lovely to have a very casual time to laugh, eat and exist together, no leaders present, I suspect that would have (4:48 and I didn’t just wake) changed the atmosphere. 4:49 I’m tired. 4:50, I’ve been writing ten minutes and have only a short paragraph which isn’t even complete. The other thing I did to make my sleepless night productive was 4:51 to fill out a more detailed character description for my original character – Francis. I made Nicola last week and she is complete and capable of living a 4:52 life out in the real world, Francis was lacking, I didn’t know her well enough. Now that they’re both complete I shouldn’t have trouble making them talk, just trouble 4:53 making myself open the file and start typing. It’s bizarre, I love creative writing, I’m good at it, but I can’t start. I don’t enjoy blogging 4:54 as much as I enjoy anything creative, but I find it very easy to do even in the worst of moods – or now in exhaustion, pain, boredom and resignation. 4:55. 4:56. 4:57 – Had to google a few things.

My stomach has 4:58 just alerted me to the fact that it is empty, I dare not eat now and provide myself energy, I want to sleep, maybe it will be easier if not 4:59 in pain, but maybe food will wake me more. Conundrum. I forgot to mention, I don’t have whooping cough, just a virus which has stuck around 5:00 for five weeks and seems to be getting worse; surely there is a point when my body has to start being nice to me 5:01. 5:02. My mind isn’t coping well 5:03 with the added burden of physical illness, but I’ve still not succumbed to the blade, as tempting as it is 5:04 it really achieves nothing. Mum drove me to my appointments today so I didn’t have to make everyone on the tram sick, the DBT assessment 5:05 went well and provided I’m still interested in two months time when I go back for my second chat it’ll be go. The next term starts in September and the following in January 5:06, I may not get in the September one, but that’s the one we’re hoping for. The epic assessment was followed by coffee with mother whilst I almost 5:07 fell asleep and then a very short session with my psychiatrist; I can see his brilliance, but I’m not convinced he’s for me, maybe I’m scared that 5:08 he might actually help. There’s a weird fear attached to recovery from mental illness, I want it greatly, but it is unfamiliar territory and if achieved 5:09 it will be different from anything I’ve ever known, even in childhood. 5:10.

I would appreciate it if my friends could make an effort to contact me this week and coerce me out of the house. I feel a hermetic period approaching 5:11 and it’s hard to bring oneself out of that.

There is a 5:12 possibility I’m a little more sleepy now, so I will end here and make attempt four at sleep. Good morning. 5:18 post proof read and publishing.