A World Away (from the TMS machine)

I fear my holiday may be over with 19 days to go before the flight home...

I arrived in London on 7/7/17, had a nice few days there before going to Edinburgh for little over a week, where I had a fabulous time. On arrival to Manchester I got to stay with my Aunt and Uncle in their 1640s farmhouse and play with their Great Dane, Bailey and French bulldog, Oliver. I was there for little over a week before coming to my Grandma's while Mum is alone in Italy. The public transport is more accessible from Grandma's than the farm and I don't have Mum to drive me around; I'll be back at the farm upon Mum's return.

I think I've succeeded in doing something every day. I went into the centre of Manchester yesterday alone, I only got a little bit lost. Today I had lunch with my Grandma, Aunt and cousin at a farm with a cafe and shop attached in Uppermill, it was very picturesque, but since there was a handrail in the way of any shots I would take and it was raining I refrained from photo taking. Tomorrow I'm going to my other Grandmother's, I think it'll take three buses. I'll hang out with her for a little while before my cousin and her daughters come to meet us there, we're then going to buy clothes for one of her daughters. Sadly my grandmother can't come as she is housebound. I wish she would consent to move into a home where she can get the care she so badly needs and some company, but her own room so she can also have privacy. I feel bad just flitting into her life for 5 minutes, seeing how happy the company makes her and then pissing off to the other side of the world.

While I was in Manchester yesterday I bought myself a new watch from Selfridges. I saw it last week with Mum, but she talked me out of buying it because it's Selfridges, therefore it's a humungous rip off; but in the meantime I've seen many similar, and frankly not as nice in other shops for a similar price, none lower, some quite a bit higher. So here it is.

I started this post saying my holiday is over, well, that's because I'm worn out; not from too much activity, from my mood and my need for a TMS boost. I finished TMS on 22/6/17, 36 days' ago. I should be in there now for maintenance. I'm so tired. I've had two naps today, one either side of the family lunch. I'm not at risk of doing this, but my mind keeps telling me to slit my throat and wrists, the throat for suicide, wrists just to see the blood. I'd never do it here, my family would have no idea what to do, if they found out, it may be summer but it's currently 14 degrees and raining so I'm wearing long sleeves. I'm wondering more and more about psychosis, I'm already on two anti psychotics, yet these urges to hurt myself are more like voices, I feel the physical pull but then there's an argument, it only contains my voice, but the other creature pulls me. I can't describe it so I'll stop there.

I've got three days coming up in the North of Wales with my Mum, Aunt and Grandfather. They're going to be pushing me to go on day trips and get angry if I waste the trip - and therefore Mum's money by staying in bed. I just don't know if I can do a whole day anymore.

To Grandma, I'm Not Going to Run Down The Street Naked

I took these photos for my Grandma, who I think is under the belief I'm in a 1950s style nut house. I wasn't aware of this, but my Mother and Grandma are both concerned about a few days I'll have without Mum's presence in Edinburgh and a week in Manchester when Mum will be traversing Italy. Mum brought it up in a meeting the two of us had with my doctor on Wednesday night; thankfully he was on my side and said that I'm an adult quite capable of roaming around Edinburgh as I desire, he just encouraged me to answer people's text messages to assure them all's well - that I'll do so long as they're not every 20 minutes!

                                                A bed, not a trolley with straps to tie me down!

                                          Shelves, bench and desk - plus a hoard of towles

                                   Exit into the main hospital and my ensuite door on the right.

Some things I've made whilst here. I know the koala is very Australiana, but it's for my (other) Grandma and she'll love it. 

Ensuite, you may notice the lack of shower curtain; some people don't like that, but I always leave them open, so I'm quite happy to go without.

                                                             The rest of the bathroom.

I was unable to take photos of the dining room or the two tea/coffee spaces due to not really being allowed to take photos in here and there's the possibility of capturing other patients.

So as you may guess from the photos, I'm still in hospital and undergoing TMS, it has definitely worked a lot on my mood, but my anxiety is troubling me every afternoon and evening as my meds are wearing off. I take the next batch at 8pm. I don't know how often people come in for maintenance and for how long. I think it's monthly and for a few days, but it differs according to peoples' needs. I hope when I get back from the trip I can relax for a week or so at home before having to come in here for a top up, it may even be a full session since I will have gone eight weeks without any. I'm going home on Thursday, bringing my days at home for the year up to 21, it'll reach 33 if I make it to the trip without needing to come back. Then 6 weeks away!

K

Parnate

Two days short of 11 weeks, that's how long I've been in the hospital, and it's not likely to end very soon. I've started a new drug called Parnate, well new to me, it's about 50 years-old. It's a MAOI - Monoamine Oxidase Inhibitor - which comes with a fun diet of things I can't eat. I'm still on an introductory dose, so can't be expecting any miracle mood boost yet. A good thing about it being an old drug is that it's on the PBS, which will help me save money to put toward the UK trip in August/September. I can't imagine still being in here in August, so it's probably safe to let Mum organise the trip with me in the plans. Our family are mostly in Manchester, but we have two in Edinburgh. Mum and I will go to Edinburgh; I'm definitely going up to the Highlands but not sure if that will be alone. I'm also hoping to go to London (and Harry Potter World) and while I'm there why not skip across the channel to France. I think London and Paris will be done alone.

I feel awful at the moment, I've been getting what my Dr called "tactile hallucinations" when I saw him today. It works so that I feel depressed and agitated and then I'll feel myself stabbing my leg, or biting a chunk out of my arm, feel the blood trickling down from the wound. It's lots of fun! Today it's been slitting my throat; the most protective thing about being in here is that if you do anything stupid they call an ambulance and send you off to a nearby hospital with a horrible, horrible psychiatric department; I've promised myself I'm never going there again.

Sorry, I feel too bad to write, I'm ending it here.

Have a good weekend.

K

Sloppy Writing From a Sloppy Girl

This week I have experienced the wonderful and the terrible, but following the pattern of my life the terrible wins. I had a thoroughly confusing session with my psychologist yesterday, all I took away from it was that if I’m feeling suicidal to go to hospital and if I want to go to the UK next month she’s OK with that. It seems I have to get my head around borderline personality disorder, a disorder that I don’t have as such, but have a number of symptoms of (on top of anxiety and depression – yippee). It’s a tough one to live with because it essentially puts the blame for my behaviours back on to me. The way I developed my personality was abnormal - though likely a coping strategy to get me through childhood and youth difficulties. This makes me very angry about my circumstances; I can’t do anything about my upbringing; I can’t go back and stop wrong thought patterns as they were being formed; I’m just left trying to pick up the pieces and correct my flaws, of which there are many. I’d like to thank myself for making me a thoroughly twisted and unlovable person. It’s time to buy 50 more cats to grow old with, at least Lester loves me.

 I wish fixing mental illness was as easy as a throat infection, or even gangrene, I could live without a few toes but I might like to keep my arms and legs.