Thanks for that! I don’t welcome closed minded comments here and it will be deleted in a few days, but first I will give my other readers the opportunity to read my response. If-fact so you don’t delete the comment yourself in the mean time I will insert it at the bottom of this post and then delete them both.
You seem to be a bit of a psychiatry cynic, to a degree I used to share those sentiments but when you have seen firsthand the efficacy of drugs and therapy it is a little hard to remain so. If I stop taking the drugs I won't be able to leave the house or eat anything (though that might do me some good), because I will believe most things have been poisoned and that people are following me. My brother and I shared the same traumatic upbringing – though I was born early enough to enjoy the really shitty stuff – he was diagnosed with ADHD at four – many years before I became ill, and his current antics are an adolescent expression of ADHD with a mixture of other shit thrown in. When I said he was following in my footsteps I did not mean that he was mimicking me, but that the combination of nature and nurture seems to be producing a similar result. In-case you missed the sarcastic note I am not proud of this. If I could have moved him out with me when I left at 21 I would have gladly raised him myself to save him from this. I'm not putting my parents through anything, what they don't know won't hurt them, as far as they're concerned I'm fine, he’s the one causing the stress at the moment.
I agree that I have too much time on my hands and I hope my return to uni next month will help with this, in fact I’m sure it will. And I do not try to be happy, sometimes happiness comes to visit but I do not mourn its departure. Next time you get gastro, or any other debilitating virus tell yourself to buck up and go for that run you’ve been putting off, you may then see how ridiculous that advise is.
Anonymous said...
Grow up! You should be ashamed of yourself putting your parents through this. Now your behavior has affected your baby brother. We all go through Hell. My mother told us kids when were full of self pity and wanting to die, "you don't have permission to kill yourself". Simply put and to the point, I have never forgotten that. Stop being selfish and channel your self-hatred into something positive like poetry, or write a play. You are studying drama or theatre, aren't you? Get off the drugs they're feeding you and buck up, stop trying to be happy and just keep moving forward. You have too much time on your hands.
Dear Reclusive,
ReplyDeleteI speak from having an understanding of how you feel. You are so young, barely 26 years old. You're right I am a cynic when it comes to psychology. But I have felt what you have, perhaps even more so. I know what it's like to feel such emotional pain, that putting my hand on a hot iron offered relief. I have endured much loss in my life, my big brother when I was sixteen and the emotional loss of my mom due to her agonizing grief. Later I learned the pain of watching my mom die an agonizing death to cancer while I cradled her in my arms. I know what it's like to go through a year of chemotherapy, see most of my hair fall out, my feet and hands turn black due to poor circulation, yet still get up every day to take my kids to their activities. I know what it feels like to have loved and lost, and to find myself face down on the floor racked with grief.
I know what it's like to start my car in the garage and ponder the idea of leaving it running with the garage doors down. I know what it's like to hate getting up in the morning for the same predictable hell. I know what it's like to be passive, just no longer caring to thrive and survive, nor caring if I dropped dead this minute. I'm not going to say it get's better. But you should just accept who you are. What's wrong with melancholy? Just live! Remember -- Happiness is a cigarette and a chocolate chip cookie.
I have always felt my worse when I'm alone with my self. Being involved and active have always helped take my mind off my pain. Best thing I ever did when I was your age was to buy a one-way ticket to Europe, went alone, and had a blast for 6 months. Nietzshe once wrote, The thought of suicide has gotten me through many a lonely night.
Oh, my Great Dane puppy is now 13 weeks old. I love her so much. Please, don't get your puppy until you are willing to commit for the very long run. Take care!