The Next Two Days

I don’t like to post twice in one day, but the earlier one wasn’t planned...

Last night was a little chaotic, it involved a hastily arranged GP trip and an early night. Today involved another (planned) GP trip and a promise not to do anything bad until I see her again next week, we reached a compromise on nothing that requires medical attention (that means I can shallowly finish the unicyclist). I had a good God talk with my dear friend C today, it cleared up a lot things I was confused about, among one of them predestination - God doesn’t want me, I’m not predestined, as much as I might want to be a Christian I can’t because he didn’t pick me. The flaws in that thought are easy to pick out, but it’s still an enticing belief. I mentioned yesterday that being unsure of my salvation keeps me here. C suggested that if I was sure of my salvation that I may want to stick around and show my thanks for it (not her exact words).

I know I talk very lightly about self harm and suicide; it’s not because I think them minor issues, but because for me they are common, constant thoughts and to not talk about them is to omit a large chunk of my head space. I think talking about it frankly is not a harmful thing for me, or for others. More people struggle with this than anyone realises, people you would never imagine even considering it have at least tried it. I hope that when you are confronted by this issue from one of your loved ones, having read about it from my perspective will help you understand them a little better. If you don’t think you know anyone who has or is struggling with this, you’re wrong, or you don’t know many people.

I hit a vein last night, I thought it would scare me, but it didn't, this worries me, I’m only annoyed by the ache it has left.