Motivation, Medication and Mingling

The heading is as far as my alliteration skills go. I would like to offer you a witty post about the above, but I can’t, so live with it.

I’ve been on a bit of a downward slope for a couple of weeks, as I’m sure my last few posts attest. On top of the general borderline symptoms worsening (the most painful of which is overwhelming emptiness) my agoraphobia has decided it’s time for a visit. I was quite sure that I banished it with such nastiness it would be timorous to return, but it seems I am not the cruel hag I thought. If anyone with agoraphobia ever offers to go to a supermarket for you on a Saturday morning, you ought to marry them. If a prospective director with agoraphobia is ever invited to a theatre company’s season reveal and is struggling to get out of the front door, you ought to drag her there by her hair. (tonight please)

Due to the increase in agoraphobia and decrease in mood my GP, on Friday, decided to increase my Lovan dose. I’ve been on this dose before but my heart protested, we thought we’d give it another try anyway. It takes a while for drug changes to take effect – unless it’s withdrawal, that’s just cruel! So far I’ve noticed no change with the Lovan. I have built up an impressive tolerance to Valium, five tablets did nothing to me on Thursday night. GP thought a replacement might be in order! Murelax, welcome to my life! With a name like that I think I’ll be calling this one by its ingredient name – Oxazepam, I don’t want people thinking I take laxatives every day. I may be many things, but constipated is not one.

Uni starts in 22 days; I look forward to having a reason to get out of bed. My contact hours are very low, but there will be a lot of work to do. At the moment I’m sleeping about 15 hours a day and in the time I’m awake I’m just waiting until a reasonable hour to knock myself out with my night time drugs. I got up at 3pm today, I woke much earlier but just lay there for hours willing sleep to return. I know inactivity breeds inactivity, but I just can’t bring myself to do anything at the moment, including cooking - which I love - I’ve been eating toast and muesli bars. It’s good for the weight loss though, even without any exercise I’m still dropping a kilo a day.

90 Minutes until I have to walk out the door, I can’t be too drugged because I need to network tonight. Sigh.