A Slightly Saner Post

I try not to censor myself too much on this blog; which (in part) is why I don’t tell the world of its existence. I write what I am thinking and feeling even in the times when I would be better off taking a bath or a handful of valium! Sometimes I read a post a few days later, turn bright red and resist the urge to delete it; I think it is these posts which make the blog more than just a description of hospitals and drugs, they are the posts which let you see me. I can’t say I don’t mean what I say in them, because often they are written in my most unhindered state, they are the most truthful posts you will find in here.  I look back on them and see the poor logic, the unnecessary stressing about a future which is not written in stone, but I can’t deny the truth in them, they are a record of my journey.

Unless I change my mind about it I now have a home to call my own in a suburb I wish to be in, this brings its own stresses, but the independence will do me good. I really need a new permanent psychiatrist, my drugs are so wrong, I can feel it. I’m considering playing around with the doses myself – something that will probably have me seeing purple dragons, but it may be worth a try. I am feeling worse by the day, and trying not to let my parents see this is tiring, if they knew what my brain was doing to me I wouldn’t get a moments peace and peace is what I need most.

I wouldn’t wish this mess upon anyone but it has been good to hear the experiences of others. There are two women I keep in touch with from the hospital, another from church and I had a chance encounter two days ago with someone I’ve known - but not closely - for many years. It is amazing to be able to talk with these people, unlike anyone else they know exactly what I mean, they understand the muddled thought processes, but despite their own struggles they have wisdom to offer, they can share their baby steps of progress and that gives me a little hope.

I apologise for my writing being messier than usual in the last few posts, I don’t have the energy to edit properly or check 50 times for grammatical and punctuation errors – I usually miss half of them anyway!