The hospital I was referred to have not given me an outright acceptance or rejection yet, but the intake staff informed me that in the lead up to Christmas many of the psychs are closing their books and may be especially reluctant to take on new ‘acute’ patients. After being informed of this I returned to the GP and asked him to send the same referral to two other hospitals I know of. I asked if he could refer me to two particular doctors I would like to see, but he said he doesn’t have access to that sort of information since he works in South West health and I need help in Eastern health. I can’t wait for e-health to get up and running; I actually can’t remember where the government is standing on that, I think it got the go ahead.
New psychologist will see me, despite my referral being from my old doctor, but she can’t get me in until the new-year; in the meantime I will try to get some sessions with my usual psychologist. It has been hard being home, I’m supposed to be honest about how I’m feeling so my parents can help me, but how do you tell your mum that you feel like stabbing yourself in the heart? Today and yesterday have been quite bad, last night was improved by a visit to my friends’ house, good distraction and great to see her. Tonight my distraction is writing this, watching crap on my laptop and probably playing a mind numbing computer game, I know I should be reading but I get so tired and my attention span lasts five minutes, I’m going to be screwed if I go back to uni next semester; but I’m aware that I’m not getting any younger - I’ll be 26 next month and all I have to show for it is an undergrad degree. (An aside in the topic of birthdays, I’ve been thinking that one’s birthday it is the most considerate time to die, because then your loved ones only have one hard day per year). The longer I delay getting work good experience or better qualifications the less chance I have of ever having true independence and being able to do work I enjoy - rather than just something menial to pay the bills. I’ve been thinking more and more that I am likely to spend my life alone, who’s going to want a 90 kilo crazy woman who could do anything rash at any given moment; and the poor children would have a genetic predisposition to mental illness, plus being raised by a totally unstable super controlling devil mother. The Poor things.
In other news, my cat is a traitor. I go away for a few weeks and I’m no longer his preferred legs to sleep on.
I think you were over-thinking last night K! God has it planned for you - let him worry about it all and you can just wait and see how it turns out.....but i think your scenario is unlikely!
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