I Have a Date

I seem to be having a good week: I’ve been approved for the house I like, the first one I actually liked enough to apply for! I won a lovely lounge suite on eBay, it fits my tastes perfectly; I’ve had a response to one of my house-mate ads and she seems perfect, we haven’t met yet and she hasn’t seen the house (except for the pics) but from what she’s told me about her current house I think she’ll love it, she seems really nice too. I have a new GP close to my new home, she’s great and in the space of two days has found me a permanent psychiatrist, attached to a hospital close to my new home. Down side is I can’t see him until the 12th of Jan, but in the meantime my GP will make sure I don’t run out of drugs. Without my consent my family have booked a holiday to Coffs Harbour from 16th Jan to 23rd Jan; this sucks for four reasons: I am too old for family holidays; I won’t get the alone time I need to stay slightly sane; I hate hot weather and beaches and all that summery crap; and the new psych will need to change my drugs, that is best done as an inpatient but if I’m away I’ll have to do it on my own a few hours flight away from any help.


I hope it’s the drugs doing this and not just me becoming completely stupid; I can’t string a sentence together (in speech) anymore, I find myself stopping mid-sentence looking for the simplest of words, and not just for a moment, the conversation completely halts because I just can’t find a word. My memory is shocking, it’s always been a bit weird, like freakishly good is some aspects and awful in others but at the moment it’s just awful awful awful, mainly short term stuff. I’m becoming increasingly tired, some of this will be due to the extra weight I’m carrying but I just feel like all the life has been sucked out of me. One of the borderline symptoms I relate to most is “chronic feelings of emptiness”; that is how I feel most of the time, like my organs, including brain have all been ripped out and replaced with empty space - that or anger - mostly emptiness though.

Since I can’t have a Great Dane at my new house I’m considering a King Charles Spaniel, I’ve always loved them and I need encouragement to go for walks, what better encouragement than a gorgeous fluffy thing that will look at me with sad eyes if I don’t take it out. The landlord was fine with my cat but I guess a dog is a whole different issue. I’m looking forward to moving my cat out of here, it’s time he remembered who his real friend is, he won’t have a bar of me anymore.