Tomorrow should be home day but I see no end in sight. Medication re-jigs have gone terribly; mood has plummeted, agitation and anger has sky rocketed and self harm urges are becoming much more violent – I’m not acting on them don’t worry. Last night I saw a flood of bright red shapes and figures moving around the room and circling me (I was wide awake – I was standing up). At first I was utterly terrified, but once I realised it was purely visual I relaxed a bit and tried to interact with it – I could push it, I could let it crawl up my arm, and if I blew it would move away the way you’d expect a spider-web to move but then return. It only happened in the dark; as soon as the lights came on it disappeared, but I tested it a number of times to see if it would come back, and each time I turned off the lights there it was but in a different form each time – often quite sinister looking. I don’t know what to make of it because technically for something to be a hallucination the person experiencing it has to believe it is actually happening, whereas I was completely lucid during the experience. Don’t get me wrong, I am completely freaked out by the episode and wonder if it is from medications, the nature of my illness changing or even a spiritual attack – though I would think if it was a demonic thing I’d be terrified throughout and if it was an angelic thing there would be a complete absence of fear and a feeling of comfort. I was certainly not comforted, but not terrified for very long, eventually I was able to play with it a bit... Confusing, yes!
Post your thoughts below, I’m interested to hear what you think. The nurses said they haven’t heard of anything quite like that before and I am yet to see my doctor today.
I don’t have much else to say, come visit, I’ve only had two non-parent visitors (thank you to A and C) Oh actually I do have a little more to say. I’ve been house hunting and have come across one which I’m currently applying for and I hope to inspect several others on Saturday, the big challenge will be finding house-mates (and a garden big enough for a great dane and a nice outdoor entertaining area and a huge kitchen and a separate laundry all within the Blackburn area - don’t like my chances!)
I have had "visual disturbances" as my psych calls them from medications, but they were sleeping tablets. I've also had them as a result of mood stabilisers, but I found that they set in when I wasn't sleeping well. If I remember correctly the lamictal has been interfering with your sleep?
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