Waiting

Thank you to the person who left a comment a few days ago re exercise, seeds etc. I couldn't publish it because you put my name in it - not everyone here knows who I am and I don't want future employers googling me and finding this, so my name is nowhere to be found (unless I’ve overlooked something!).

I haven't written for a while, my mood hasn't allowed me to do much except stare at walls; I've played the occasional computer game and watched a couple of shows, but mostly I sleep or doze. Last night sucked, I was struggling with harmful thoughts, I had the medication which helps with that as well as my sleeping tablets but the thoughts were too strong and kept me up until 3am. The situation was made worse by the nurse telling me that if I didn't feel better I couldn't go to have my treatment in the morning - which only resulted in me suffering in silence and then lying to the morning nurses, telling them that I felt fine, when really I was being plagued by self harm thoughts and low mood. I told my doctor tonight that I didn't appreciate them threatening not to let me go to get a treatment just because I express symptoms of the illness requiring the treatment. He said that he trusts me to make my own risk assessments and that if I think I'm safe to go, then I should be able to go and if it happens again I have a note from him in my file to point to. I needed nursing support last night but I couldn't get it, having to instead pretend that everything was fine. Hopefully it won't happen again.

You may be curious about how the ECT/MST trial is going... Shit! They say it's early days, I can have up to 15 treatments and I only had my 6th today. There has been no change, even some regression. I came very close to a suicide attempt on Monday and am plagued by almost constant suicidal ideation and self harm thoughts - the visions, not just thoughts. The treatment its self is fine, the worst part is having no water from midnight to 11am three days a week. The two days after the first treatment I was very sore head to toe, swallowing was particularly painful, that went away after two days and hasn’t come back, everyone says the first one is bad like that. I was very surprised to wake up with no headache, no memory loss and just a sore throat. The others have been even less eventful except the second one where I woke up before the muscle relaxant had wore off and I couldn’t breathe very well – they had it under control though, today I woke up with some gadget in my mouth to help me breathe, I was a bit slower coming out of the anaesthetic today. I’m no longer the only one from this hospital in the trial, so there are now two of us in the taxi to the hospital where the trial is, and I have someone to talk to while I wait, although she went before me today so I had to kill 20 minutes sitting on a couch in the coldest corner of the hospital!

I haven’t proof read this because I’ve already had my sleeping tablets and they’ve well and truly kicked in. Good night. Please come and visit me if you can, I’m here for possibly another three weeks and visitors help get me out of my head even if it is for a short time.