Seven Weeks

Today is my seven week hospital anniversary, this is now my longest admission and there are still another two weeks to go at least. I finished the ECT/MST trial today, tomorrow I'll be told what I had and what the next step is. I want bilateral ECT regardless of what I've been having. Whatever I had made very little difference and I think that calls for the big guns - not that what I've been doing is child's play. I suspect I've been having MST because it hasn't worked and I've had no memory loss, normally the next step from MST is unilateral ECT. I want to go straight to bilateral because it's more effective faster and my doctor says the longer I'm this depressed the harder it will be to get me out of it. I'm still really struggling to do anything at all, I'm only writing this now because my nurse told me to write and try to distract myself from the suicidal thoughts which have plagued me tonight, basically I see death as the natural end to all this, I have little hope of ECT working for me because I have bad luck. I know that sounds like I've given up and that makes it not working all my fault but there's more to it than that, part of this disgusting illness is feeling both hopeless and helpless.

A little while ago I had 100mg of Largactil and 1mg of Lorazepam, they're working and that means it's time for me to stop writing before this becomes nonsense.

More tomorrow when I know what treatment I've been having.