One Bad Girl

This has been a bad week, I have been self harming in here - something you're really not supposed to do unless you want to get sent to a public hospital. I can't remember if I got caught or if I confessed the first two times, but I'm now on my last chance to stay here and I've now blown it twice (they don't know that). On Tuesday I was feeling angsty and made a rash decision to go out and buy razor blades, they were used immediately when I returned and then again today. I've been wearing long sleeves (and pants) and no one has noticed yet, the ECT people saw it though because I need short sleeves for them to get to veins and take my blood pressure etc, they let out a collective gasp but thankfully said nothing to the nurse who picked us up. Last week and the week before I broke some crockery and used that... Earlier this year I went a few months without self harming at all, I guess I wouldn't be in hospital if I was entirely well, so I can't expect myself to behave perfectly, but playing with the risk of being sent public is just stupid. I would be sent to the hospital nearest my home, the awful one I posted the pictures of last year complete with blood on the curtains and holes in the walls, not good for someone who's terrified of asbestos (I know it's not generally in walls, but I still freak out when I see anything that might be it that's damaged) also they might decide not to continue my ECT.

At the moment I'm not on any antidepressant, my only drugs are Abilify - a antipsychotic, Largactil - another antipsychotic and imovane -a sleeping tablet. My doctor is weighing up whether to put me on Reboxetine or a drug in a class called MAOI (monoamine oxidase inhibitors), if he chooses MAOI I have to follow a strict diet with the worst things being no wine, no aged cheese and no cured meats, making pizza a boring affair, but the rest of the list is massive. Reboxetine doesn't have a very good reputation, basically it doesn't work so I'm expecting a MAOI unless he's thought of something brilliant since yesterday.

I thought I'd made a friend in here - R who I'm having ECT with, but tonight she organised an activity and treats for a bunch of people and I wasn't one of them; I feel a little disappointed, not at missing the activity, but at not being asked to join especially when I invited her out for coffee earlier in the day. Visitor numbers have been low, so it would have been nice to have a friend here, there's only so much you can talk about with your mother, she's my main visitor. The husband of one of mum's work colleagues is in here, mum keeps seeing her because they're both visiting at the same time - small world. Tomorrow (hopefully) my minister is coming, I have a barrage of questions for him about eternity and suicide, he may not want to answer then lest he encourages me to follow through with it, but I can try. I'd appreciate the visit without having my questions answered anyway, I feel very disconnected from the church, I've now been here 8 weeks and 1 day.

I think the nurses here have caught the craziness, they're currently laughing and wishing one another happy new year, I'm not aware of any new years in May/June.