Some Purpose

I’m still not too sure what to do with this blog, I think I want to talk more about borderline personality disorder rather than just random things going on in my life; there will still be updates on me, I think they are useful and provide a personalised description of what it is like to live with borderline. I suffer also from anxiety and depression, but they are better understood (not by everyone) so I will not include much information or musings about them.

So Borderline...

This is from Wikipedia but my psychologist told me it’s actually accurate because it’s straight from the DSM:

The Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders fourth edition, DSM IV-TR, a widely used manual for diagnosing mental disorders, defines borderline personality disorder (in Axis II Cluster B) as:^[1][14]

A pervasive pattern of instability of interpersonal relationships, self-image and affects, as well as marked impulsivity, beginning by early adulthood and present in a variety of contexts, as indicated by five (or more) of the following:

1.      Frantic efforts to avoid real or imagined abandonment. 

2.      A pattern of unstable and intense interpersonal relationships characterized by alternating between extremes of idealization and devaluation.

3.      Identity disturbance: markedly and persistently unstable self-image or sense of self.

4.      Impulsivity in at least two areas that are potentially self-damaging (e.g., promiscuous sex, eating disorders, binge eating, substance abuse, reckless driving). Note: Do not include suicidal or self-injuring behaviour covered in Criterion 5

5.      Recurrent suicidal behaviour, gestures, threats or self-injuring behavior such as cutting, interfering with the healing of scars (excoriation) or picking at oneself.

6.      Affective instability due to a marked reactivity of mood (e.g., intense episodic dysphoria, irritability or anxiety usually lasting a few hours and only rarely more than a few days).

7.      Chronic feelings of emptiness

8.      Inappropriate anger or difficulty controlling anger (e.g., frequent displays of temper, constant anger, recurrent physical fights).

9.      Transient, stress-related paranoid ideation, delusions or severe dissociative symptoms

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Borderline_personality_disorder

As stated above, one only needs to display five of these symptoms to be diagnosed as borderline - I lack many of them, thankfully.

A little more information about the actual sufferer rather than just the cold hard facts of the symptoms:

·         BPD is a complex disorder that is often misunderstood.

·         Not all people who harm themselves have BPD. While self-harm is common among people with BPD, not all those who do this have the disorder. People may self-harm for other reasons such as low self esteem, to momentarily express and release emotional pain or even to punish themselves. This may relate to a mental illness, a disorder or emotional problem unrelated to BPD.

·         People with BPD are not ‘bad’. The anger and rejection that people with BPD display mean they are sometimes labelled as ‘bad,‘ ‘manipulative’ or ’attention-seeking’. While things they do may at times lead to confusion, distress or inconvenience for other people, it should be remembered that this behaviour results from feelings of fear, loneliness, desperation, or hopelessness associated with BPD.

·         People with BPD can get better. Contrary to common belief, people with BPD can recover well with appropriate ongoing treatment and support. While there is no cure yet, BPD is a treatable disorder.

http://www.sane.org/information/factsheets-podcasts/160-borderline-personality-disorder

A little aside on self harm as it confuses most people:

The only people I’ve encountered who understand self harm are professionals and people who’ve been there. Self harm is not a half hearted suicide attempt or attention seeking - though often it needs medical attention. People usually do it in areas which aren’t seen by the general public - this is to avoid the attention. There are exceptions to this, sometimes the impulsivity totally takes over and the most convenient area of skin is used, there can also be hesitation marks from when more serious action is considered but when it comes to it cowardice (or sense) wins. These exceptions are the only scars you might get a glimpse of.

Today a friend of mine who I met in hospital joined a facebook group called Borderline Personality Disorder Support Page – I joined too. Through this page I found a few other helpful websites, I will use them to help me write some future posts.

I can’t credit this image to any particular person; I don’t like to use things I can’t reference so to do my best I can say it is from the facebook page of the group just mentioned and can be found in the wall photos folder. It is a little gory, but it tells you more than I could ever write.

A little me update:

My birthday sucked. Coffee with C in the morning was the only saving grace, it just went downhill from there; five valium only just got me through the day. I was very emotional about not having M around to celebrate with me; my dad was drunk (not an unusual occurrence) and not being very nice and I didn’t even have a birthday cake, I was going to make my own but lacked the energy.

Side effects from Lamictal are getting a lot worse. Every afternoon - I think as it’s starting to wear off - I get very dizzy and tired; my vision is becoming poor and I feel dumb; I have a poor vocabulary, no memory and a poor attention span. I saw my GP on Thursday for prescriptions to get me through to my psychiatrist appointment on Jan 12. I asked her if she would be comfortable changing the doses around because this really isn’t a great way to feel. She said she could but was very reluctant as it’s not her area and she could very easily make me worse, so I have to stick it out for one month and one day (not that I’m counting).

I interviewed a prospective housemate today, she loved the house and we got along well, she’s agreed to move in; now I just have to find one more person. Move is on the 18^th, I can’t wait to be back in the East.