Spinster

In a matter of hours I will be 26. Last year I was horrified to turn 25, that’s half way to 50 and I’d achieved little in that time. This year feels worse. I have done nothing at all this year. I have an increased number on my age and nothing to show for it, at 27 my mum had me. Unless I have a drastic character change I won’t be a mother in the next 12 months - and only the tiniest part of me wants to anyway. I like the idea of not having children too late; it means that once they all get to school you are still young enough to pursue our own interests with the time they demand and that you might still have some energy in you to play with grandchildren.

Last year for my birthday M bought me a lovely present and took me on a day trip to Healesville. We had a great time and the day was followed with one of, if not the best meal I have had the pleasure of consuming, this was at Mt Rael. Go there! This year my birthday will be celebrated without M, I will meet my lovely C for coffee in the morning, this will be the best part of the day; I anticipate fantastic coffee given where we are going and you can’t beat C for company. When I return home I will kill a few hours around the house until mum gets home from work and showers me in gifts; gifts I will be grateful for because many of them will help me establish my new home, but they are just things, they won’t change the year I have endured, they won’t give my life purpose, they will just fill my kitchen cupboards.

Yesterday I saw my psychologist for the last time, as she’s going off on a baby making adventure. I wish her all the best, but it kind of sucks as she was the last of my health care professionals from the pre break up and meltdown era. The new psychologist should be good for me, she specialises in borderline, but as I’ve probably already said, I can’t see her until January at the earliest.

I’m starting to think more about the purpose of this blog, I don’t want it to be little more than an online journal, but I’m not sure what I do want it to be. I know I want to continue with it but perhaps in a less ‘dear diary’ sort of way. I have some thinking to do, sadly thinking isn’t my greatest skill at the moment!