The Sleeping Giant and The Restless Girl

Circadin; Mogadon; Imovane; these should make a giant sleep through the night. Not me! I thought it was getting better, instead it’s 4:45am and I’ve already had breakfast and a pretty amazing hot chocolate, watched an episode or two of The Simpsons, and read a few news articles. I had three good nights and thought maybe we’d cracked it, this could mean a big medication change, Dr and I discussed it on Wednesday and if I can’t sleep on these meds the next option is to change my antipsychotic back to Seroquel (the fat drug) and add a appetite suppressant, there is another drug option, I forget its name. I’m so sick of this, I want to be well enough to get through uni at a decent pace and establish some sort of paid career; I don’t want to be in a share house forever. (Oh good news, I got a new house mate and she’s lovely). Hopefully I’ll get more sleep this morning, maybe in a few hours I’ll doze off on the couch, or I might give bed another shot, right now I’m really wired.

Cancer Not so Gone

My dad’s Dr’s disagreed about whether or not the advanced part of his cancer had gone, since it didn’t show up in the MRI – so he got a second opinion from the urology guru of the Eastern suburbs, he agreed with the urology guru of the Western suburbs, and not the oncologist – who had the more positive view. This leaves my dad back with a 5-10 year life span; I guess I’d better pop out a kid soon so he can meet it. Sorry to those of you who have, or are losing loved ones through cancer, I’m sure the way I talk about it seems harsh; I do feel for my dad, but it’s complex when there’s abuse involved. If you’re the praying type, healing would be great, but a huge immediate need is stress, it’ll kill him before the cancer!

I’m not ok at the moment; circumstance, chemistry or both, I don’t know. I wish

I had a friend glued to my side for company and to stop me doing dumb things. 

Saturday Thoughts

Barbara’s funeral was on Thursday, it was a nice service, with a lot of people there – many of them very old. I cried all the way through and a bit more at the end, it felt right and good to get the tears out. As I was about to leave a lady approached me, put her hand on my back and said “I just really felt like I should talk to you, I wonder if you could be one of the people Barbara asked me to pray for”. I gave her my name and yes, there was some sort of connection between us, Barbara and hospital A (who banned me). She is part of a evangelical mental health support group and gave me her details in case I want to have coffee, it’s interesting because my friend and I were thinking of doing something similar at our church, it could be good to hear what they do.

In other news: insomnia sucks, I woke at 4 this morning, got up eventually and watched an episode of House, hoping it would make me tired, nope! I went back to bed at 7 and got up at 11, I don’t know how much sleep I got in-between. I haven’t been very well for a few days, I’m kind of faking wellness to my parents, I’m sure it’s the sleep trouble and grief. I had a genuinely good time last night playing board games with some friends and a semi stranger who is a bit less strange now. I didn’t win, but I only just came second in both games, so I feel quite satisfied.

I’ve started drawing a play, I’ve never started the process visually before, it’s proving interesting.

Death and Hormones

Barbara’s death is slowly hitting me, people are posting photos and videos of her on facebook, that’s hard, but I look at them because I imagine her account will eventually be closed and I may never see her image again.

I’m not well today, and I can’t tell my mum who is just in the next room, because I really want to go home on Wednesday. I love having my own space, and I think how I feel is partly hormonal, even on the pill, the few days on the sugar tablets are bad; that combined with the Lovan reduction isn’t going to be helping me.

I want to start a small theatre company, it’s been my dream since I was 14 and I’m now giving it some serious thought. I write well, I act well and I direct very well; I just need a bunch of other people to join me and probably money etc.

So I do and don't have BPD. Here's a Video.

You can watch it here:
http://vimeo.com/14791869

Borderline Personality Disorder http://vimeo.com/14791869 About this video: "Created by: Ofir Sasson, 2010"

The Battle is Over

I don’t feel like writing this blog anymore, that’s not to say I will stop, I just haven’t felt the inclination; I haven’t felt the inclination to do anything, though.

I am currently in hospital for admission number 10, I’m bored, I was doing really well but then my new med stopped working so well, then yesterday I learned of the suicide of my friend Barbara – you’ll know her as B or Babz, she was the last person to comment on this blog, and probably the one who has the most. Barbara had severe borderline personality disorder with a few extras thrown in. We stopped seeing each other in person because I felt she was a bad influence on me, I could see this coming so didn’t want to be too close to her, that was in March (we had a couple of visits since then). I now regret that decision, she needed more friends, I need more friends – we could have been the solution to each others’ problem, or maybe things would be exactly the same but now I’d be much more upset.

Barbara was extremely smart, kind and considerate, and fighting a very hard battle, a weaker soul would have lost it many years ago. I’ve experienced just a taste of what she’s been through and I’m impressed she could get out of the house, let alone attempt normal life activities. She was strong and I will miss her even though our relationship was mostly online.

I was supposed to see my Dr 45 minutes ago to find out when I’m leaving in light of the Barbara situation and drug problems; it was supposed to be tomorrow, but I don’t think so! I’m thinking of coming off Lovan (antidepressant) and staying on Abilify (new antidepressant and other things too) because the combination is a great way to turn you into an insomniac and Lovan is supposedly bad for me anyway.

I’ll try and write again soon.

K

Too Many Pets

I had the best dream last night; Rico, although he’s sterilised had a puppy, we never saw the mother, but it was his puppy. My brother came to visit me in hospital and brought heaps of stuff like he was running away, little of it was in suitcases, just mounds. Out of the corner of my eye I saw something in this mountainous pile move; I went over to inspect and found a very very young kitten, it was identical to my parents (also de-sexed) cat, Fiz (I bought her, I didn’t name her), I held the little thing in my hand, one hand was ample size and then I saw more movement. It appeared Fiz had had a huge litter and like any wise mother of 20 decided to abandon them in my brother’s clothes, but not without providing food, for there were many, many mice in there too and just to add to the fun a single guinea pig and Rico’s puppy. Rico had clearly not mated with a fellow cocker spaniel, but it was a cute and happy thing just like him.

That’s the mildest and most fuzzy dream I’ve had in ages, I probably had it because I really miss Rico and I found out yesterday that I’m going to be away from him longer than expected... I’m being transferred to the hospital my last admission was in so they can supervise my Abilify increase, and also keep an eye on some colourful thoughts

I’ve been having. I hope it’s not a long admission.

Not The End

I suppose someday my readers will stumble upon this whilst deleting their browsing history, and they will wonder “what the hell is onereclusivegirl?” and then they will see the labels on the right and remember this blog belonged to a depressed, anxious, borderline, OCD, slightly psychotic, whoops not borderline anymore, girl. She wrote here instead of letting the thoughts eat her alive.

Facebook no longer provides a means to post anything (a link for example) without excluding others from seeing it. I can’t risk my family, or future employers getting their hands on this blog. There will be no more facebook posts, but if you bookmark this you might get a new post here from time to time.

A little update,

I’m on a new drug, Abilify, so far it’s making me nauseous and has caused some visual disturbances. This OCD course isn’t quite right for me, but I am learning. None of my friends live around here, but a SMS or phone call would have been lovely, I’ve had one friend visitor and my parents and dog. It was like this last time too, I just feel out of sight out of mind when in hospital – and a lot of other times if I’m honest. My phone just beeped, the SMS tone and the battery full tone are the same, I just got excited over a full battery... Forgive me while I go and cry in a corner now.

Day Four of Visit Nine

Today I touched some dirty things and then ate a biscuit without washing my hands first. I didn’t like it.

This hospital is reasonably nice, private room and bathroom, it’s comfortable. The dining room is being renovated, so our meals are brought up to the ward, this means cold toast in the morning! Visitors are welcome, the hours are limited, but we can make it work.

I withdrew from my uni subject a few days ago, I feel like my creative ability has been stolen and there’s no way I can write a full length (good) play at the moment.

Could someone let me know if the facebook status “new post” I leave about this blog shows up on the ticker? I can’t post the link anymore because I’m afraid anyone can see it in the ticker, but if I don’t post the link people will stop coming.

Admission # 9

On Sunday I went for an interview at the hospital running the OCD program, I was told that I might get in the one starting at the end of October, but definitely the December one failing that. Then yesterday I got a call saying “We’ve had someone pull out of the next group, can you come in on Saturday!” So with little time to prepare myself for it I’m off to hospital for my 9^th admission. This time is different, it’s not a crisis admission, but rather a course to teach me (and 7 others) CBT skills for eight hours a day. I don’t really feel like my OCD is bad enough to be doing this program, Lovan takes care of it very well, and I wonder if I should have come off it before the admission so they can see me at my worst. Then I can learn skills to help with the worst, but maybe it will be easier to learn if I’m not distressed. Rico has been amazing lately, the drugs and routine have worked well, I can now leave him inside when I go out without worrying, he doesn’t pound on the window as I walk away and he isn’t so enthusiastic when I get home that he could knock me over. I hope the two week holiday at my parents’ doesn’t send him back to square one.

Word Stew

My vision has returned enough to be going on with daily life, but I still have to strain to see up close, and I have to rest my eyes frequently. I’m now completely off Zeldox and Cogentin, so far it doesn’t seem like I’ll need a replacement, I’m actually fine! I wonder if I might be coming to the end of all this, the prospect scares me, because if I’m well then it means I’ve got no excuse not to be working and studying hard. I worked two days this week and I was watching the clock from the moment I arrived, I need work I find interesting and challenging but I won’t find it unless I keep doing well at uni, which I won’t finish for another 7.5 years if my study load doesn’t increase. I’m already thinking of dropping my one and only subject for this semester, the eye thing set me back two weeks, I have no creative energy and deadlines are flying by...

A Little Catch up

I haven’t posted for a while because the new medication gave me very blurred near vision, it’s slowly improving since I stopped taking it, I can see well enough to type now, but it hurts to focus on anything close for too long (long being a few seconds). I haven’t done any uni work because I can’t read and I’m getting behind which is giving me more stress than I need when I have a drug change coming up – since the drug to treat the side effects gave me worse side effects, that means I have to come off the first one too. The drug I have to come off is the anti-psychotic, it has been the one getting rid of the graphic violent urges, just reducing the dose isn’t an option because I feel like I need a higher dose to maintain where I am now, now is far from perfect, but still quite good.

On Monday and Tuesday of next week I will be working for the first time in 22 months! I agreed a while ago to be the emergency barista for a not so local cafe. I was offered  a proper job but with my health so up and down I’d make a very unreliable employee – plus I have no desire to work in hospitality; as much as I love sending out a great coffee, it is just coffee and I’m terrible with customers. I hope this will be a coffee only arrangement and I don’t have to talk to people, also that I don’t have to carry the coffees out, my hands are so shaky – I probably should have mentioned that before accepting the shifts. I have five days to change my mind, this feels like a really bad idea, they’re 7 hour shifts, that’s long when you’re only just dipping your toe back in the water, but maybe being out there doing stuff will be good for me.

Benzlakinjordhadinturpproptropine

I’m starting a new drug tonight for the tremors, I don’t know anything about it because it wasn’t discussed in the consult last week, and I can’t find much useful information in this wonderful web. Here’s to more side effects; oh I hope not.

Black Dog

I got home today to find Rico with his head stuck in the fence, he’d worked a panel loose and got his head between it and the support beam, the nail was resting on top of his head. My neighbour had to break more of the fence so we could get him out; he was well and truly stuck. I’d been meaning to take Rico to the vet for his separation anxiety and vaccinations for a while, but I kept putting it off, today we got there! Rico and I are now on one of the same drugs – Lovan, and he’s on Xanax, a sedative I had a few years ago, quite an effective one actually... We have lots of behaviour modification work to do, but hopefully today is the beginning of the end of home destruction and sad lonely doggy. I must thank K - a vet friend - today should have destroyed my wallet, but it didn’t.

Insomnia is back with all its might, going off the Stilnox was a bad idea, I’m back on it now but it’s not working. I’ve never fainted, but I think I came very close this evening while walking Rico, not from the exercise - I’m not that unfit - but from the movement, and my inability to bring things into focus. I have the same problem when driving, and it’s why I haven’t been doing much of it lately, every time I look anywhere but ahead I’m in trouble. Hopefully I sleep a bit tonight so I can write well tomorrow, I can’t go to art due to the hole in the fence and dog escaping issue, so getting some script done is a good idea.

Waste

The man with the energy vacuum has been to visit, he took everything and I have to go out soon, I can hardly walk from the lounge to the kitchen! I love the clarity in my mind at the moment, it’s what I imagine most people have going on in there, but the amount of drugs it takes to keep me there is really quite high. Some of the side effects are getting too much to handle, and I worry that I’ll need to come off or reduce some drugs, there ending my brief encounter with sanity. In October I’m doing a two week inpatient CBT program, which if successful will mean I can start coming down on the antidepressants, which should mean I won’t need the others. There are a lot of maybes, but at least there’s a plan. I fear losing what I have now because in the bad times I can’t remember that this is possible. I hope these more positive posts will help me when things do go bad, I won’t have to trust my Dr; I can trust my own words that sanity exists, even for me.

Thanks for your comments last week, they were helpful and encouraging. Thanks also to my non Christian readers for not encouraging me to quit, and for one even telling me to persevere.

One last thing... I DON’T HAVE MS! My symptoms have been put down to anxiety, you wouldn’t believe how much the mind can affect the body. 

Why go to Church?

Why do I go to church? If I’m honest with myself it’s not to worship God, it’s not to learn, it’s not to serve; it’s just to be around people, it’s a lazy way to not be lonely for a few hours and it doesn’t always work! I go to church hoping to do these good things but my brain is too dead to learn, my heart is too cold to worship and I’m too fucked up to serve - I’ve tried the coffee ministry a few times and I kept scowling at people (they liked my coffee though). It’s hard to not give up your faith when you feel it does nothing for you, or even worse depresses you, there’s nothing like congregational worship to enlighten the gap between you and them, by the end I feel like I have no soul. The obvious answer to the feeling empty problem would be that I am empty. I am not strong in my faith; maybe the Holy Spirit has deemed me not a good home and departed, or maybe I’m just not trying enough. I don’t pray enough, they’re mostly conversational bits throughout the day and I rarely read the Bible even though I know there’s a wealth of knowledge in there and a lot of very encouraging and uplifting parts. So, then we come to commitment, I lack it in reading and praying, but I have held on to my faith through 13 years, many of them difficult and I’ve adhered to some of the more difficult guidelines for living, but is it now just habit?

Tonight’s service topic was “Redeeming Singleness” – basically why singleness doesn’t totally suck! I hate being single, but I know I will remain so until my relationship with God is greatly improved, in my last (and only) relationship I made him my god; I never would have admitted it at the time but I can see now that that’s where my heart was and it was one of the big reasons it couldn’t work. Since the breakup I could have had a few relationships or flings, and I am a human, I have a libido! But instead I waited, and continue to wait for, a godly man (I might have one or two in mind...) but I am not the godly woman they deserve. In jest the minister went through a checklist for finding the perfect Christian partner tonight and I fall very short, I can’t go back a few generations and make my entire ancestry outstanding people of the church, I can’t make my parents Christians and my dad not frightening, I can’t make my brother a Christian, or even not the hate filled adolescent that he is. Basically I want a prize Christian man who will help me draw nearer to God and discourage me from making him my god instead, but I am not his prize woman – yet. I need an amazing man who can help me get better, or I need a very long wait and a lot of work to become at least a little bit of a prize, I suspect it will be the latter; or singleness which brings me back to the beginning, loneliness and why go to church at all – well... I need to change.

I’ve decided to allow anonymous comments again, it’s annoying having to sign in just to leave a quick comment. I’m keeping the moderation on and won’t be publishing the highly insulting ones, you can disagree with me and I’ll publish it but you don’t have to attack in the process, I have feelings however damaged they are. I’ve been doing more personal writing lately which is why there have been fewer posts, I don’t know if that will change, but that’s why the absence.

Changing

Down. Medium. Down. Down. Medium. Down. Medium. Medium. High. Down. Down. Down. Down. Medium. I like medium, I’m there now and it’s a good fit. I realised tonight after seeing a friend, that my friends have had a hard time through this ordeal too. Not just my moods, but my alertness, my ability to talk and anxiety levels are ever changing.  I had a bit of a crash last week and the concern and confusion were clear on my friends faces. I can see it would be hard not knowing what’s going to happen next with your friendship, but I saw no sign of impatience in them. This is a slow battle, it may never end completely, and I must remember I’m bringing people along with me and spare them a thought (though a prayer would be more helpful!).

Due to last week’s crash one of my medications was increased on Monday, it’s working already and I feel much better. The side effects have increased with the dose; my hands are shaking most of the time, I find it hard to speak because my mouth is trembling and (this is a guess) it feels like there are muscle spasms in my neck at the base of the head because my head tremors for quite long periods a few times a day. These sound awful, but I still prefer how I feel now - side effects included – to the last year and a bit. I thank God (really) that my Doctor took the risk of admitting me given my history and the fact no one else would, and that he is open minded enough to question a diagnosis given by many doctors; both he and my psychologist are now quite sure it’s not BPD and that the self harm urges are intrusive thoughts rather than a coping mechanism for me, the best thing about this is no DBT!  

Umm

I overdid it today, by a lot! I can’t think straight enough to write well so this will be short. This evening I had the strangest psychiatrist appointment I’ve ever had, it left me confused, a little angry and utterly exhausted. I almost wish I could train as a psychiatrist just so I could understand everything; I know you can’t treat yourself, but there’s just so much information, I thought I had a pretty good understanding of the parts relevant to me – I’m not even close! It’s 11 days until I see the neurologist again, I’m working myself up now, but I can feel it in bones that it is MS, and I’m terrified. 

One Wrong Girl

Today I felt extraordinarily good, and I still do. I left the house twice, both quite long outings, one of which involved walking Rico. I had a nap in the evening and then a friend came over for a cup of tea and a chat. I have a little smile on my face at the moment and there’s no one here to pretend it’s there for. I thought I’d never feel this way again; I’ve got to get rid of the tiredness and then maybe I’m okay. I don’t have much to write about at the moment, I’ve been spending my time knitting, sleeping and watching Mad Men and Spooks. I doubt you want to hear about my knitting errors, and plot lines I can’t remember because I’m half asleep; so let this post act as a record that I was wrong about never getting better, I take now with the tiredness over any given day in the last 14 months and many, many days before that.

Gone Cancer Gone

At the end of 2009 my dad was diagnosed with prostate cancer, towards the beginning of last year he was told it had advanced to a pelvic bone, there’s not much you can do once it’s in the bones, but he’s been receiving pretty intensive treatment anyway. He had an MRI last week - it was test week in our family! Dad’s was a full body, he was in that tube a jolly long time and he hated it, his oncologist whom he probably loathed at the time wanted to see where else in his bones the cancer was. The answer, nowhere, not even where it started! So daddy is no longer an advanced cancer patient, he’s just got normal prostate cancer, which is a much smaller burden for him to carry. I think writing this I felt some kind of appropriate emotional response, which is an answer to some pretty intense prayer I received on Saturday, or a very delayed processing of daddy’s illness, or both, probably both.