Changing

Down. Medium. Down. Down. Medium. Down. Medium. Medium. High. Down. Down. Down. Down. Medium. I like medium, I’m there now and it’s a good fit. I realised tonight after seeing a friend, that my friends have had a hard time through this ordeal too. Not just my moods, but my alertness, my ability to talk and anxiety levels are ever changing.  I had a bit of a crash last week and the concern and confusion were clear on my friends faces. I can see it would be hard not knowing what’s going to happen next with your friendship, but I saw no sign of impatience in them. This is a slow battle, it may never end completely, and I must remember I’m bringing people along with me and spare them a thought (though a prayer would be more helpful!).

Due to last week’s crash one of my medications was increased on Monday, it’s working already and I feel much better. The side effects have increased with the dose; my hands are shaking most of the time, I find it hard to speak because my mouth is trembling and (this is a guess) it feels like there are muscle spasms in my neck at the base of the head because my head tremors for quite long periods a few times a day. These sound awful, but I still prefer how I feel now - side effects included – to the last year and a bit. I thank God (really) that my Doctor took the risk of admitting me given my history and the fact no one else would, and that he is open minded enough to question a diagnosis given by many doctors; both he and my psychologist are now quite sure it’s not BPD and that the self harm urges are intrusive thoughts rather than a coping mechanism for me, the best thing about this is no DBT!