Nothing

I'm very frustrated tonight. I was supposed to see the TMS professor today and it didn't happen because my doctor didn't bother arranging it like he's been saying he would since I got here. The professor only comes in on Tuesdays, so I can't start TMS for another week now, unless since last night my doctor has decided that's not the right option for me anyway. I think I want ECT, it has an 80% success rate and it works fast. I got a big telling off by a friend today, saying that I need to try harder to get better and that I've totally lost my personality etc, all of it true, but hard to rectify. I'm a shell of a person and I don't see how a shell can fill its self.

Handover

A second post for the day.
It's now night and I feel like shit. Between 9:30 and 10:30 the nurses here are doing handover, this basically means that unless you've been shot you can't get any attention, it also happens to be my worst time of night. Tonight I feel like my only way out of this mess is to pull myself out and I can't. I see a future in which I'm not allowed to kill myself and so I will feel like this until I die naturally at 80-something. I don't want that, I can't stand the thought. I want to escape this hospital tonight and die with boxes of store bought drugs and a bottle of scotch. Every door is alarmed, every window sealed, I'm going nowhere.

Test Subject Reclusive Girl

I finally got to taste a Phillippa's hot cross bun today after always finding them sold out in previous years, it was worth the wait.

I saw my Doctor again last night and there are several options. He wants me to have some genetic testing to see if I metabolise drugs too fast and that's why they don't work; he's taken me off Valdoxan because it isn't working; introduced Largactil ( I think that's the one) just for when I need it. I'm seeing the TMS professor again on Tuesday, and between him and my psychiatrist they'll decide if I'm having TMS, ECT or different drugs. I know ECT sounds terrible but it can work wonders and they do it under general anaesthetic these days.

I'm at my parents' today, just chilling. I hired eight DVDs to get me through the next week, I assume I'll be in that long, but I might be lucky and have one ECT treatment and then be fine to go, though usually it takes a few treatments. If I get a drug change or TMS instead it'll be a longer admission. I'm not happy about that, L wants me significantly better before I go home, which is understandable, but I feel that the longer I'm away the harder it will be to settle back into a relatively new household and L and S will have bonded more without me being included; I already have trouble with that since I'm a big introvert and they're both really outgoing, they get along fabulously and I'm included but it's different for me. I wish I could just get better and not just over the chemical side of things, but over the damage it's caused my self esteem over the years, I'm not the person I once was, that screwed up job interview proved it. I used to give fantastic interviews and get the jobs.

I feel fine today, like I could just go home and all would be well, but since it's only been a few days since my mini od and nights are quite bad I'm sure that would be a bad idea, it's time to get me sorted out properly.

Sleep

Today I slept. I missed lunch because in favour of sleep and I could have slept through tea too but thought better of it. Mum came to visit tonight and we went out of coffee and now I'm going back  to bed. I feel about the same as yesterday, some really bad times and some where I'm OK, but mostly it's just a flat down feeling. I'm really sick of this and I'm sick of people saying I need to pull myself out of it - I can't! God can, but it seems he doesn't want to, at least not yet. The only other major therapy I'm yet to try is ECT, that's scary, but might be worth it. Right now I just want to die - don't call the police, I'm already in hospital!

Things are better(er) with my friends who I upset, there's still some making up to be done though, it's a bit hard when I can't go and see them, but hopefully I'll make it to one of the Easter services at church.

Back in Hospital

Here I am back in hospital after another night in emergency, this time it wasn't so big a deal, they let me go at 5am, a friend, K, stayed with me for a lot of the night, she was good company in a situation I usually deal with myself. I have no idea how long this admission will be, my Dr says more TMS might be an option, in which case it may be a long one, I hope not. I'm enjoying living with L and S and don't want to be away from them for too long. I need to make things up with L, she's upset and angry that I didn't seek her help last night when it was on offer - I should have but I was set on what I wanted to do and I knew she'd be successful in stopping me. I also need to make things up with R, but that's a more complex situation where I'm not totally in the wrong, it'd be easier if I was.

Things I hate about hospital:
Single beds
Room mates (although I don't have one right now)
Monotony
No car
Friends far away

I'm going to miss the Easter services at church, I was planning on going to at least two of them, I only made it to one last year.

20mg

More drugs, possible admission with another month of TMS, plus maintenance; this was the result of my psychiatrist appointment yesterday. I'm now on 20mg of Abilify, this is quite a high dose, and will cost my parents a small fortune, none of my drugs are on the PBS, or they are but only for patients experiencing psychosis, my old Dr lied and said I had a psychotic illness, my current Dr isn't willing to take that risk, I guess they get a little slap on the wrist if caught. I don't lie to my Dr, I told him about the police and the deleted blog post that led to them being called. I was feeling even worse yesterday so he got to see first hand how I was, I managed not to cry though it was hard when he started talking about M - yes I'm still not over him, I hate that I'm not, I don't want him back but I just remember the good times and it hurts. He wants me to talk it through with my psychologist, he's not much of a talker, more of a drug pusher.

Today has been a big waste of time, I stayed in bed until 1 then did nothing for a while, watched the new Game of Thrones episode then stared at the ceiling for a while. The monotony was broken by a coffee date with L. It's great living with L and S, the three of us went to see The Hunger Games last night, it was our first household outing, I can't say I loved the film, but it was interesting after reading the book.

A Post on Faith

Tonight I stayed back after church for some prayer regarding my salvation or lack of, it fit in well with the passage preached on tonight and the answer I was given is to obey, believe that Jesus is the messiah and obey God's commands. God wouldn't want me to jump off the Bolte bridge, so I shouldn't, God wants me to continue going to church so I should. I may not feel anything, but I've accepted Christ, from there I'm doing what I can. I know there are many people within the (wider and my) church who are suffering and holding onto their faith just fine, in some cases it has made them even stronger; for me it hasn't worked that way. I'm hanging in there, going to church and feeling inadequate as I watch the people around me raise their hands in worship while I struggle to make myself sing and mean the words coming from my mouth. I bow my head in prayer and just feel like I'm sending thoughts off to the floor. I read my bible sometimes at home, not as much as I should, but again it feels like nothing, just like I'm reading any other book that I'm not enjoying, but I still try and I think that deserves some credit. I still pray nearly every night as well as little ones throughout the day but I still feel like I'm praying to nothing. My athiest readers will be thinking "well that's because you are", but I don't think I am. I believe there is a God who cares about me and listens to me, but I just can't connect with him. I want to be dead, I don't like the thought of leaving hurt people behind, but I love the thought of being with Christ and away from my troubles here. L wants me to go back to hospital because these thoughts are becoming worse, maybe she's right. I don't want to hurt people, that's totally against my nature, I just want to be free.

Fear

I wrote a post last night which inadvertently scared at least one person. I had the police called on me again because I mentioned I'd been feeling suicidal this week among some other things which I'm not silly enough to write twice. I don't think I'm brave enough to go through with suicide, it's very final and my plan is not one you can come back from. I'm scared of hell because I'm not 100% sure of my salvation, I know it's not about feelings, but I never feel anything and the whole Christianity thing just feels like a big effort; I think it's only fear keeping me from walking away, I do value my church, the people are great and have been very loving toward me even though I'm still quite new, I think they'd be sad to see me leave and I'd be much more lonely without them.  I feel like I'm in a rut that I can't get out of. I don't think I can get a job because I'm too foggy, and if I did get one keeping it would be hard when I can't get up in the mornings. I don't think I have it in me to get through uni, especially with the high marks needed to move into research. So this leaves me poor and bored for the rest of my life, the idea sinks my heart.

I'll try not to write any more alarming posts, it wasn't my intention to scare anyone last night, but if it does happen again calling me is better than calling the police. Friends can help, police I just lie to in order to get rid of them as fast as possible

Work

I had my first job interview in 3.5 years last week and I screwed it up royally, I was super nervous and spoke like a mouse, not good for a call centre job! Despite this I was offered a second interview but I wonder if she changed her mind, she was supposed to email me some forms and I haven't received them, also I haven't heard back about the date and time of the next interview. A friend today said that with my voice I'm probably not suitable for working the phones because I'm not bubbly, it's true, I speak with little expression these days it's too much of an effort to give any more to the conversation than the mere words, I didn't used to be like that and I wonder if I'll ever get the old me back. I'm really down at the moment, I got rejected for another job today (also call centre), I'm 27 and I can't even get a simple call centre job - a job I've done well in the past for three seperate employers. Maybe I'm just not ready to be working, I mean it's impressive that I'm still alive maybe I'm pushing my self too hard, but I feel lazy doing nothing (arghhhhh). In October unless I get really sick again I'm going to lose my disability pension, I need a job before then and I also need to be in better health so I can manage the load of uni and work, the idea terrifies me, suggestions anyone?

Wobbly Car

I ended up not going back to hospital, I was offered a bed on Friday, but by then I was feeling much better. I did one of the things I'm not supposed to last week, I reduced by half the amount of Epilim I'm on. Epilim is the drug likely causing the weight gain and I was getting seriously depressed every time I walked passed a mirror (I still do but I feel pro-active about it now) so I decided to take action without waiting another week and a half to see my dr, we'd talked about coming off it anyway, I just beat him to it. I haven't seen any results yet, but I'm not totally off it, and it's only been six days. One of the things I get despondent about is my lack of a man and being fat isn't going to help that situation change and it's all a big catch 22; I got really sick and started needing extra medication after my break up and I'm stuck feeling lonely and highly medicated with no one looking twice at me because I resemble a small car. I don't exercise as much as I should, but I move, I walk Rico daily and my diet could be better, but it's consistent, there is no difference between now and when I was 30kg lighter, there have been times when I've been ravenous and have sated those desires, that's probably where the weight came from, I guess it takes more than just going back to normal to shift it.

 I've applied for a couple of jobs and looked into short courses - there aren't any suitable for me at the moment, I missed the start dates for a few and the rest are either really expensive or only a couple of hours a week (and expensive). Tonight has been a chilled night in listening to this years' hottest 100 cd which I bought today, I was disappointed to find only 42 of the 100 songs on it, it's the first one I've bought and I didn't even think to check how many songs were on it, anyway, it's a nice compilation. 

Yo Yo

I'm currently weighing up whether or not to go back to hospital; I spent the early hours of Tuesday morning in ED because I knew I was going to either cut or OD at home, my mood had been getting worse by the day and then hit rock bottom. The result of my ED trip was just talking to the psych triage nurse and getting an appointment for later in the day with the psychiatrist covering for my own - he's nearly always on leave - She would have admitted me there and then but there were no beds so I was told I'd have to wait two to three days. I don't know what to do, what good will another admission be? Maybe I need to settle in better in my new household; I can't have more TMS because they think it wouldn't work.

L and I were talking tonight and decided I really need to be doing more - something I already knew but didn't know how to go about. I'm going to find a short course to fill this semester with, something where grades don't matter but will force me into a routine, that or a job; I'm thinking acting classes, but it's hard to find something more than a couple of hours a week, I want a few days

Flowers From God

God gave me some flowers yesterday, they're lovely. You may think he can't do that but he can through other people. Last week the woman who was praying with me had a vision of God giving me some flowers, so she bought be a bunch and gave them to me - well not in person, I left church early last night so a friend dropped them around on her way home. They came just at the right time; I left church because I was feeling really down and out of place and was home alone thinking of taking all my pills when there's a knock at the door and sweet smelling flowers shoved (not literally) in my face. Today I got through with my mum taking me out for lunch and walking and bathing Rico; tonight has been spent watching House, Dance Moms (trash, but addictive) and The Simpsons. I'm waiting for my sleeping pills to kick in so I can be rid of another day but it's been over an hour. Tomorrow I'll be able to speak to the person replacing my Dr for the week and hopefully something can be done to stop this downward spiral before it gets out of hand

Theatre Envy

Tonight L, her friend another L and I went to Theatreworks to see two plays by last year's NIDA directors graduates, they were Howl directed by Daniel Lammin, and Thirst, directed by Eugene O'Neill, both were excellent; Thirst was beautiful, and Howl very moving and it seems provocative as five audience members left! It put me in a writing mood, but now by time I've got home, settled in and sat down the urge is gone and I just feel depressed. My mood has been slowly deteriorating throughout the week, I haven't even been out of hospital a full week, but I already feel I need more TMS, looks like I'll be going on the maintenance program! They told me to call up if I felt things were going wrong, I just hope they'll be able to help me despite my doctor being on leave, I don't want to wait until he gets back for anything to be done. I'm yet to act on them but my self-harm urges are quite strong and I don't think I can keep them at bay for much longer, especially when part of me is already resigned to losing the battle, I gave into them twice in hospital only in minor ways, I want to do it properly now.

I want to go to bed and escape the world but I've run out of sleeping tablets and I've slept about 15 of the last 24 hours, I don't like my chances tonight, shit!

Writing

I've deferred this semester of uni to write (and read), and so I must get to it. I'm starting to doubt I have it in me to be a writer though, I lack the vocabulary - the reason I need to read more - and I can't punctuate, story I can deal with, but I'd like to be better. I'm sure we'd all like to be better at what we do, but I don't do much so I feel it's important to be able to confidently say "My name's K and I can write." To help me with this L has set me a challenge to write a page a day despite whatever is going on and I'm determined to read a lot more even when my brain is mushy and the words mean nothing to me, at the very least I can find a word I've never or rarely come across and add it to my vocabulary. I'm currently reading The Lost Dog by Michelle de Kretser for the second time, it is very good for this purpose, as well as being a good read it is quite intellectual and features Melbourne's arts scene.

I'm tired now, good night.

Religion Resolution

I had a long chat with a well respected woman at church last night, the best bit was a bible verse she pulled out of thin air for me; Jeremiah 6:16 This is what the LORD says: "Stand at the crossroads and look; ask for the ancient paths, ask where the good way is, and walk in it, and you will find rest for your souls." But you said "We will not walk in it." The ancient path being that walked by God with his footprints, basically follow God and my soul will find rest. I admitted that I felt I was at a stage where I could easily walk away but she encouraged me to keep going.

L moved in today, the house was a flurry of activity for most of the day; S is moving in tomorrow, so the fun will continue. It's actually like having three people move in at once because I've got two and a half months worth of stuff to bring back from hospital (and my little break in between the two admissions). I ate junk food today, I've been trying and succeeding to eat healthier lately since I've gained so much weight, maybe tomorrow I can get back on track, though we are planning household celebratory drinks...

AFES

This showed up on Facebook today, it was shared by one of my friends, who I know also suffers; but it made me a little bit angry. It's the first Christian literature I've come across concerning depression and anxiety, and it is so shallow, with its ultimate point being "there there, God will come back in the end and everyone will be better". Well that's kind of one of the reasons I want to kill myself, everything will be better then! I think I'm also angry because God has done nothing to make me better, or even give me a reprieve, he's given me a few good friends which I'm grateful for, but TMS made me better, and before that Epilim, both have high success rates, so it's no miracle that they worked. Maybe God planned for me to get better this way and to have a rough journey, but I'm not happy with it. TMS has made me really teary, I cry at the slightest thing now, including writing this, I used to have tear ducts of stone...
I've had a bad week and am still in hospital, I was supposed to leave yesterday, but now it's hopefully Saturday. I still think TMS worked because I'm managing bad situations in a much more mature way than I would have without it; and I've had a number of challenges to test me whilst I've been here. I have two new house mates now, L is one of  them, I can't wait to be living with her and our house will look amazing because she has art and can make it and has an amazing photographer as a best friend.

Better (again)

So, for the second time I am unexpectedly, significantly, better. I could stop there but I’ll keep going because I’m in a writing mood. It’s been almost a week since I noticed a slight improvement in my mood, followed by a decrease in my suicidality (I don’t know how to spell that one), followed by a massive increase in my mood which has just grown more by the day. I’ve had some stressful news – one of my housemates is leaving in only a couple of weeks and even that hasn’t made me grumpy and thinking the world is out to get me, it’s just a difficulty I have to cope with. TMS is great (if it’s right for you) at getting you out of depressive periods, but not so great at keeping you out of them unless you go on the maintenance programme; I don’t know what my doctors have planned for me, if they think
I can keep myself well or if I need to come in two days a month.

One Helicopter Please

Every time I hear a little bang, or some noise which is out of place I think there’s an earthquake about to start, it’s becoming a legitimate fear. I’ve never been in an earthquake, I don’t really count those two little tremors we had a few years ago because they did zero damage, they really scared the cat though! There’s a door which keeps banging near my room, it’s distressing me...

I’m only really writing this update because I was asked to, I’m very depressed at the moment, so lacking in energy to do anything. I can’t write, can’t focus on conversations, I get no joy out of watching anything, so I sleep to escape it all. It’s currently 7:20, at 8:00 I can have my medication and sleeping pills and all this will go away. I wonder if TMS might start to help soon, today was the first time I’ve experienced a headache related to it, until now it’s just been irritating during the treatment and then nothing afterwards – actually a few nights ago there was a muscle spasm in my neck, but that could be anything.

Quibble is a Nice Word

I’m writing again, properly, it feels good. Today’s grammar quibble is wonder / wander, I’m waiting for my very slow internet connection to tell me which I need, ok it’s wonder! It wasn’t a simple sentence though! I’m adapting one of my longer blog posts to be a short story, fictioning it up a bit and making it a lot more anonymous since it will be read my prof.

I don’t have a lot to tell you from in here, I’m bored as hell so please come visit, I can leave any time of day, and have coffee with you just come, come , come; is that desperate enough? 

An Article on TMS and ECT

An article my mum found, I know the source is awful, but I'm not in the habit of hiding my sources out of shame

http://au.news.yahoo.com/today-tonight/latest/article/-/34838/dealing-with-depression/

With one in five Australians suffering from depression at some time in their lives, solving the problem has become an urgent and often overpowering demand.

Beryl Taylor and Linda Ballard have both had their lives upset by the crevice of depression.

"The world became a very lonely and isolated place," said Linda.

Sure modern anti-depressants have made a huge difference, but sometimes they are not enough to lift the black cloud and let in the light.

Trans-cranial magnetic stimulation (TMS) is the latest technique to ease the distress. It looks out of this world but it has dramatic effects.

It works by settling the neurotransmitters in the brain, which increase hormonal levels and ease depression.

Colleen Lo, psychiatrist at Sydney's Prince of Wales Hospital says that stimulation increases blood supply to underused parts of the brain.

"We place a powerful magnet onto the scalp and it stimulates the surface of the brain," Colleen said. "The increased blood supply reflects increased nerve activity. We think this might work in the circuits that modulate mood."

Linda Ballard is happy with the treatment.

"It just means I get my emotions back, I begin to feel things, good things and bad things, the colour comes back," Linda said.

"It's like you've been watching a black and white movie and you just focus it and the colour comes back and the picture becomes clear."

For someone who described life during the bouts of depression as dull and grey, feeling like this after using TMS is a giant leap for Linda Thompson.

"It's a very convenient treatment to have, your in the hospital for maybe 30 minutes and then you can walk out again, there's no anaesthetic," Linda said.

And that's just what people with moderate to severe depression like about TMS - no pain, lots of gain.

At 71-years-old, Beryl Thompson felt her antidepressants weren't helping the depression that had plagued her for 10 years, so she jumped at the chance of getting involved in the a trial for TMS.

Soon after the treatment Beryl was diagnosed with colon cancer. She believes without the TMS this news would have sent her into the depths of depression.

TMS is still in its infancy, but the early results are very positive. But one of the older forms of treatment, electro-convulsive therapy (ECT) is now also producing outstanding results.

It's enough to send shivers down our spine but the truth is modern ECT is both a safe and sophisticated affair when it's used in severe depression or in psychological illness. It improves well-being, it makes people feel better but more importantly ECT saves lives.

ECT treatments today involve no jarring movements, no shocks that rack the body. As Psychiatrist Phillip Mitchell describes, ECT has come a long way.

"It was a very old fashion type of ECT, it was unmodified, patients didn't have an anaesthetic, ECT has progressed a long way since then," Dr Mitchell said.

"Now we know the electrical dose that will work for the individual patient, the other advance is that it is a much safer procedure, we are monitoring the heart rate, monitoring the oxygen levels in the blood."

Sharon was so depressed she totally withdrew from life. She became catatonic, she'd tried everything from counselling to serious medication but nothing worked.

Finally ECT was suggested, she backed away because of the stigma attached but eventually out of sheer desperation Sharon tried it. Today her life has turned around and she now counsels people suffering depression.

While TMS and ECT aren't cures for depression they're certainly helping Australians.

TMS

The TMS assessment went well; the prof was very easy to talk to, he was familiar with my case – a relief to not have to tell my entire history – and we decided to go ahead with it. First we had to find the right dose; this is done by placing the coil on the head just behind the treatment area, as it is turned up the hand on the opposite side begins to twitch, when the twitching happens you’ve got your dose! I felt like I was moving it my-self, staying relaxed was hard. He then found the area on my head the coil needed to be for treatment and marked it with a lovely red marker and sent me away for 45 minutes until my appointment.

The treatment its self was a little uncomfortable, more so the set up than the procedure. The magnet is heavy and they have to get it in just the right place resting on your head with a stand to keep it in place, my head was on a weird angle (but on a nice chair) and I was wearing ear plugs whilst they were shouting instructions at me. I watched Cowboy Bebop whilst they fussed around me; and then the treatment started... Imagine someone poking you just above and behind the temple quite hard, and then an involuntary muscular movement going down your face and forehead a few times a second, well that’s what it is like but there’s no poke, it’s just the magnet doing its thing!

Anyway I feel fine, still not actually fine, but you know, my head isn’t about to blow up.

Russian Pillow

My temporary doctor just came in and had a lovely chat with me; she’s easy to get along with and I like that she takes notes in her head rather than having a file sitting between us. I think I prefer her to my normal doctor, but he has helped me so much and I really  can’t justify swapping, plus I don’t know if she’s taking new patients. One may think he hasn’t helped me that much if I’m sitting here, suicidal back where I was seven months ago, but I have come a long way, even with this regression taken into account.

I didn’t write today – not properly anyway – I spent the day in bed hugging my pillow and listening to Russian liturgical chants, they’re very relaxing, my new friend M put me onto them, I suggest you find some online if you need help relaxing or sleeping. It helps that I don’t have a clue what they’re saying so I’m not trying to analyse it. 

Hole in my Heart

I feel that the quality of my writing is lacking, I’m in the middle of a short story for uni, and I’m struggling to write posts on here which are any more than just a journal entry. My journal entries may be a little different to most peoples, but they are nonetheless an account of what’s been happening to me and me alone. I wrote a little more of my story today despite it being my first day back in hospital, I suppose that’s something to be proud of. My admission went well, they already knew about Friday night’s incident, that didn’t prevent me having to retell it to my admitting nurse, my fill in doctor and my evening nurse. Today I hate everyone who loves me, because I want to die without leaving any pain behind. I think of my family, of R, K, C, L and other friends and feel guilty even though I haven’t done anything yet; my fill in doctor says that’s good, I just feel angry and want them to go away, but then I don’t want them to go because I love them.

Writing this actually made me cry, I can’t remember the last time I did that, I don’t do that!

Come visit me, I’m staying even if they don’t do TMS.

Daddy

So I took the valium and a few other things, not all of it, just enough to warrant a trip to ED and monitoring for six hours; as a result I'm going back to hospital in the morning (Sunday) instead of Monday. I feel really shit and to add to it my dad suggested that I took the pills to give my self a higher chance of having TMS, ummm no! I took them to escape for a while and it didn't work

Mac Valium Monday

This is the first post written from my lovely macbook pro which I got for my birthday in December, I've not used it much because I haven't been around 'real' internet connections long enough to install everything needed to make it go, eg - open office. I'm still using chrome as my web browser, so I guess I've still got a way to go before I leave PC land, well I've got a long way to go, this thing confuses me, I get lost and then I remember that mac's are easy and whatever I need should be in front of me and there it is!

Tonight has been pretty crappy in my head, I found my dad's valium stash – not that it was hidden, I just went looking for it and to my delight the box is full. I only have to behave until Monday morning when I'm readmitted, I don't know what to do until then though, everything's boring, I just want to die, it's tempting to take the valium and the drugs I have stashed so I can sleep until Monday, it wouldn't be a lethal dose, just a strong one.

I lost a kilo this week, it doesn't make up for the 500 I've gained over the last two years, but at least it's in the right direction, it was hard work and I have to keep it up for 30 more kilos, one lesson learned is that no matter how hot it is outside a milkshake is a poor substitute for coffee.

I'm going to take Rico for a walk now, there's no valium out there...

Fear

The last few nights I’ve been gripped by an unreasonable fear, only at night and never about anything. I just feel scared.

I’m home now (well parents’ home) and I get to stay out of hospital until the 30^th, not the 24^th as previously thought. I’ve had my sleeping meds, it’s bed time.

Goodnight. 

Last Night Drinks

I now have a different hair colour. My Dr walked in while I was in the middle of doing it, I had to tell him to come back, he came back only 15 minutes later so we had to chat in my room with the dye still in my hair. It was a good chat and resulted in my discharge being brought forward by one day. I’ll see him at 9 tomorrow morning and if all is well I’ll leave at 10! My new friend, M, and I are about to go out for last night drinks (read milkshake). I’m still apprehensive about going home, but I need to get out of here even if it is only for six days, that said if I feel then how I do now I won’t qualify for TMS and I’ll be free to go. I don’t have anything else to say except to complain about the weather like everyone else, my room is nice and cool.

Home Again (Soon)

It looks like Thursday will be home day, I’ll get to stay there for an entire five days before coming back for the TMS assessment; if they deem it appropriate for me I’ll be readmitted immediately - or so I’ve been led to believe. I’m very ready to get out of here, but not so ready to go home, church was a bit difficult tonight, I felt crowded in a half full building and the drive was awful I wanted to blow up the other cars on the road – thankfully I was only the passenger.

This admission still feels like it achieved little in a very long time, but I am experiencing fewer violent thoughts than when I arrived and my mood is generally better, plus I’m on fewer drugs. I think I made a friend! I don’t do too well at that usually so I’m kind of stoked! You meet great people in hospital, it sucks that you’re both sick, but you get each other like no one else can, and that is such a blessing. 

A Tiny Update

My TSM assessment was supposed to be today, I now have to wait about two weeks thanks to my Dr forgetting to give me some paperwork to fill in and the Prof in charge of TMS going on leave after today. I have to be discharged for eight days before coming back in for TMS (if I'm deemed right for it), so that should mean I have just under a week left in here before going home for those eight days, I can’t go home now because drugs are still changing and I’m not doing too well.

Regression

This admission feels like it’s going nowhere, but that’s not true. I’ve come off Lovan – the big hurdle – and a couple of other drugs, started a new drug and increased the dose of another one; I now await my TMS assessment, which should be on Tuesday. There was a family meeting tonight, hearing my Dr talking about me rather than to me felt uncomfortable, I don’t think he has high hopes for me, he thinks I might have to be happy with being bearably better, able to manage but not necessarily able to live the life I want; I’m probably twisting his words, but that’s what I heard... I think I’m back to where I was a few months ago, staying alive for the sake of others, not because I have anything I really want to live for. I need to find a reason to live, not just reasons to not die; I can’t even choose really shallow stuff like travel because I’m stuck on the disability pension and seriously doubt I could work, so no money for me! Even really ugly people seem to be able to get married and have a family, I’m not ugly, just fat and sick, but no one seems interested in me, let alone Mr Right. I lack serious talent, I’m not going to change the world – why the fuck am I here, and why do I have to feel so bad? Simple Christian answer is to bring glory to God – HOW!?

Science and Incense

I understand there was another minor self harm incident this week? How’s the leg? I want you to give me daily one to ten’s on: visual disturbance-self harm; suicidal urges; self harm urges; mood; sleep; general anxiety; and concentration, please.  I see from the nurses’ report that you had a good day yesterday, no, I see. That’s just the depression making you stay in your pyjamas for the whole day and two nights, that’ll get worse next week as you come closer to being Lovan free; the anxiety and OCD will probably worsen too. So, to sum up your medications: we’ve taken you off three and now you’re only on four main psychiatric drugs. My hypothesis may be wrong and we do need you on an SSRI, but that’s when we’ll start looking at TMS, actually I’ll arrange an assessment for you for next Tuesday, these things take time.

Shopping List For You For Me

Flowers

Ice cream with some chocolate percentage

Easy old cheapo computer games

Something to decorate my room (F, I still have yours)

Incense with burner and candle and lighter, or a scented candle will do, I suppose!

You to decorate my room (between the hours of 4pm and 8pm mon to fri or 10am to 8pm sat and sun)

Panadol brand paracetamol – they give us the crappy stuff here and it’s harder than anything else I have to swallow

Anything else nice and lovely to cheer me up – I love presents if you can’t tell

Water

I overdid it a little today, I did the second half of my Christmas shopping and wrapping, plus a few other bits and pieces, in two two hour stints, (I only get two hours leave at a time) followed by a two hour visit with my parents and Rico. This was followed by a very violent night in my head, sadly it didn’t stay there – most of it did I’m very proud to say but a tiny bit got through, the nurses were very helpful and my Dr did a phone order for some extra meds for the night. He wants me to limit my activity for tomorrow, which will be difficult since the day is already full, my night is free so I’ll just argue that I’m doing less than I did today!

I haven’t watched Rage in ages, I think it will be entertaining me tonight for many hours, I’ve had every sedative I’m allowed and I’m still wired, ooo The Panda Band, I haven’t heard from them in years. This is definitely a good time for Rage, Josh Pyke now. Enough about music! My friend R lent me lots of things to keep me entertained and spiritually nourished whilst in here, one of which was a prayer book belonging to her great Aunt, I had a look at it tonight and it seems quite ummm nourishing, she’s bringing me children’s DVDs tomorrow because I can’t focus on adult ones, I love R

Have a Day in my Head

I made it to church on Sunday and am glad I went; I realised I possibly look forward to the coming of Christ more than many others, it means being in the glory of God, but also away from all this shit, we sung a few songs re: let your kingdom come etc and I couldn’t help but think, or just let me die. Is it bad to leave church more suicidal than when you got there?! My report for today is that things are bad and getting worse, my mood is low, but has been lower, the distressing thing is the return of the violent images and compulsion to act on them, this is where being in hospital is important, if I self hard in here I get sectioned and sent to the nearest public hospital with a psych ward, in this case that would be a bad bad thing, also depending on what I did and his own attitude I may get Dr dumped again, no thanks!

I got some writing done yesterday, very little, but some all the same. I moved rooms too, I still don’t have a single room, but I have a double to myself, they’re not expecting anyone in until after Christmas, so it’s mine. Daddy, Rico and I went out for lunch yesterday and R came to visit today, I’m feeling less lonely than last time.

I’m tired now, bed time.

Hospital Admission Number Unicorn

This admission could be seven weeks! I’ve got three weeks to get Lovan (and others) out of me and then I’m probably doing rT.M.S (repetitive transcranial magnetic stimulation), which is a four week inpatient commitment. I’ve given you a link to some info about it; it’s the best I could find that wasn’t overly academic or Wikipedia! I have an annoying roommate at the moment, she sleeps with the TV on and leaves it on all day while she sleeps too, it’s okay though because over the weekend I’m getting a private room, that’ll be a first for me in this hospital. I only got my laptop power cable back from testing this morning and I’ve got my phone up and running as a modem, I’m hoping I can now get some writing done before the withdrawals really start to hit and that the single room will help me to do that, I can’t think with this TV blaring at me.

Come visit me, it gets so lonely here, I can’t write the hospital location on the blog, but facebook or SMS me and I’ll tell you.

Back Again Back Again

After the last two posts it feels wrong to come back saying I’m ill again a little quote “I don’t know how to move on from being acutely sick” – well it seems the answer is, don’t. I got a urgent appointment with my Dr, I’ll see him tomorrow and ask to come off all my meds and try TMS or even ECT, they both work for anxiety as well as depression and it is currently taking seven drugs to poorly control my condition. TMS will mean a 4 week admission plus one weekend a month forever, ECT means 2 to 3 weeks plus a bit of maintenance when I need it, but I’m no Dr and can’t prescribe myself a course of either therapy. I think he’ll want to play around with drugs more, but I’m sick of it and so is my body.

I’m spending the week at my parents’ being looked after, it’s good because I don’t have to do anything but bad for the same reason. At home at least I’d have nice places to walk Rico (he’s with me) and I could go out with friends for coffee, I only have two friends out this way and they work full time, plus I haven’t showered in days and the thought of doing so makes me want to cry, so I don’t think a catch up is really on the cards, actually I have to shower before my outreach worker comes in the morning, it’s something she chases me up about... I would like to die peacefully in my sleep tonight – that is not a suicide threat, just how I feel.

Daddy

My mum says dad hardly drinks to the point of drunkenness anymore, yet every time I come home there he is blind drunk. I don’t know if she lies or if he happens to drink more when I’m around, either way, it’s annoying. He’s not as unpredictable now as in his younger days when you could expect to be hiding from him, listening to your latest offensive name, arguing – or rather trying to stop the arguments and dodging flying crockery. These days he’s confused, tired and mean, but not violent. Last year I got a consolation birthday present because he was drunk on my birthday – a nice pearl necklace, he’s always apologised with presents and money, I’m a bit old for it now but it’s his language. At the moment he’s talking nonsense to my brother.

It's My Party And I'll Eat if I Want to

I had a little birthday gathering today, it was poorly attended, as have all my parties been since birth (except my 21^st which was held very early) due to end of year celebrations, Christmas parties and family gatherings clashing. Still, with over three quarters of my guests missing and the weather being a tad on the cold side I had a nice day. I’m missing church as I write, I had a nap and overslept...

I haven’t written for a while, that’s because I don’t want to bore you with “The Adventures of Rico and K The tale of how a mentally ill girl and her anxious dog navigate life” It would include walks, window frame scratching, rolling in dead birds and both characters sleeping far too much. I still don’t have much to say, but thought I’d record my party. I started taking Seroquel again, it’s already putting weight on me and making me lethargic, my choice is taking an appetite suppressant or stopping the drug; stopping would be annoying because it has lifted my mood further and decreased my anxiety, in my brain I think I’m quite normal with this concoction of drugs (Lovan; Abilify; Epilim; Seroquel; Circadin; and Imovane) but it may be that my body isn’t so happy with it.

It’s an odd experience being well (enough), I don’t want to kill myself anymore, I don’t want to hurt myself anymore, the very thought of doing so scares me. I want to drop this drug weight so I have more energy to physically do things, I want to look like I did a few years ago so I’m not completely repulsive to men; I want a boyfriend so much, I hate being single but there’s a shortage of eligible Christian men, let alone good ones. Sometimes I want M back, it wouldn’t work (and he wouldn’t have me) but I miss the feeling of love, it’s weird, I felt it even though he said he stopped loving me two years before the relationship ended. Maybe what I felt and miss was my own love for him. I gather if you love God as much as you should you’d have a similar feeling, kind of safe and warm, but I’m still getting there. I don’t know how to move on from being acutely sick, I can’t do much with the lethargy, and my anxiety still peaks under pressure, but I fear I might get bored and self sabotage again if left where I am. Next semester I’ll pick up another uni subject, that should help, one online subject isn’t much to keep me occupied, two on campus should help my dilemma. I’ve volunteered my services to Mind Australia to be the person I wish I had in the depths of my illness to someone else – a person to say it doesn’t go on forever and with patience you can come out the other side. I just hope I stay on this side; there are many middle aged and elderly people in the hospitals, apparently you don’t stay well forever either (I might not tell the people I work with that bit).

The Sleeping Giant and The Restless Girl

Circadin; Mogadon; Imovane; these should make a giant sleep through the night. Not me! I thought it was getting better, instead it’s 4:45am and I’ve already had breakfast and a pretty amazing hot chocolate, watched an episode or two of The Simpsons, and read a few news articles. I had three good nights and thought maybe we’d cracked it, this could mean a big medication change, Dr and I discussed it on Wednesday and if I can’t sleep on these meds the next option is to change my antipsychotic back to Seroquel (the fat drug) and add a appetite suppressant, there is another drug option, I forget its name. I’m so sick of this, I want to be well enough to get through uni at a decent pace and establish some sort of paid career; I don’t want to be in a share house forever. (Oh good news, I got a new house mate and she’s lovely). Hopefully I’ll get more sleep this morning, maybe in a few hours I’ll doze off on the couch, or I might give bed another shot, right now I’m really wired.

Cancer Not so Gone

My dad’s Dr’s disagreed about whether or not the advanced part of his cancer had gone, since it didn’t show up in the MRI – so he got a second opinion from the urology guru of the Eastern suburbs, he agreed with the urology guru of the Western suburbs, and not the oncologist – who had the more positive view. This leaves my dad back with a 5-10 year life span; I guess I’d better pop out a kid soon so he can meet it. Sorry to those of you who have, or are losing loved ones through cancer, I’m sure the way I talk about it seems harsh; I do feel for my dad, but it’s complex when there’s abuse involved. If you’re the praying type, healing would be great, but a huge immediate need is stress, it’ll kill him before the cancer!

I’m not ok at the moment; circumstance, chemistry or both, I don’t know. I wish

I had a friend glued to my side for company and to stop me doing dumb things. 

Saturday Thoughts

Barbara’s funeral was on Thursday, it was a nice service, with a lot of people there – many of them very old. I cried all the way through and a bit more at the end, it felt right and good to get the tears out. As I was about to leave a lady approached me, put her hand on my back and said “I just really felt like I should talk to you, I wonder if you could be one of the people Barbara asked me to pray for”. I gave her my name and yes, there was some sort of connection between us, Barbara and hospital A (who banned me). She is part of a evangelical mental health support group and gave me her details in case I want to have coffee, it’s interesting because my friend and I were thinking of doing something similar at our church, it could be good to hear what they do.

In other news: insomnia sucks, I woke at 4 this morning, got up eventually and watched an episode of House, hoping it would make me tired, nope! I went back to bed at 7 and got up at 11, I don’t know how much sleep I got in-between. I haven’t been very well for a few days, I’m kind of faking wellness to my parents, I’m sure it’s the sleep trouble and grief. I had a genuinely good time last night playing board games with some friends and a semi stranger who is a bit less strange now. I didn’t win, but I only just came second in both games, so I feel quite satisfied.

I’ve started drawing a play, I’ve never started the process visually before, it’s proving interesting.

Death and Hormones

Barbara’s death is slowly hitting me, people are posting photos and videos of her on facebook, that’s hard, but I look at them because I imagine her account will eventually be closed and I may never see her image again.

I’m not well today, and I can’t tell my mum who is just in the next room, because I really want to go home on Wednesday. I love having my own space, and I think how I feel is partly hormonal, even on the pill, the few days on the sugar tablets are bad; that combined with the Lovan reduction isn’t going to be helping me.

I want to start a small theatre company, it’s been my dream since I was 14 and I’m now giving it some serious thought. I write well, I act well and I direct very well; I just need a bunch of other people to join me and probably money etc.

So I do and don't have BPD. Here's a Video.

You can watch it here:
http://vimeo.com/14791869

Borderline Personality Disorder http://vimeo.com/14791869 About this video: "Created by: Ofir Sasson, 2010"

The Battle is Over

I don’t feel like writing this blog anymore, that’s not to say I will stop, I just haven’t felt the inclination; I haven’t felt the inclination to do anything, though.

I am currently in hospital for admission number 10, I’m bored, I was doing really well but then my new med stopped working so well, then yesterday I learned of the suicide of my friend Barbara – you’ll know her as B or Babz, she was the last person to comment on this blog, and probably the one who has the most. Barbara had severe borderline personality disorder with a few extras thrown in. We stopped seeing each other in person because I felt she was a bad influence on me, I could see this coming so didn’t want to be too close to her, that was in March (we had a couple of visits since then). I now regret that decision, she needed more friends, I need more friends – we could have been the solution to each others’ problem, or maybe things would be exactly the same but now I’d be much more upset.

Barbara was extremely smart, kind and considerate, and fighting a very hard battle, a weaker soul would have lost it many years ago. I’ve experienced just a taste of what she’s been through and I’m impressed she could get out of the house, let alone attempt normal life activities. She was strong and I will miss her even though our relationship was mostly online.

I was supposed to see my Dr 45 minutes ago to find out when I’m leaving in light of the Barbara situation and drug problems; it was supposed to be tomorrow, but I don’t think so! I’m thinking of coming off Lovan (antidepressant) and staying on Abilify (new antidepressant and other things too) because the combination is a great way to turn you into an insomniac and Lovan is supposedly bad for me anyway.

I’ll try and write again soon.

K

Too Many Pets

I had the best dream last night; Rico, although he’s sterilised had a puppy, we never saw the mother, but it was his puppy. My brother came to visit me in hospital and brought heaps of stuff like he was running away, little of it was in suitcases, just mounds. Out of the corner of my eye I saw something in this mountainous pile move; I went over to inspect and found a very very young kitten, it was identical to my parents (also de-sexed) cat, Fiz (I bought her, I didn’t name her), I held the little thing in my hand, one hand was ample size and then I saw more movement. It appeared Fiz had had a huge litter and like any wise mother of 20 decided to abandon them in my brother’s clothes, but not without providing food, for there were many, many mice in there too and just to add to the fun a single guinea pig and Rico’s puppy. Rico had clearly not mated with a fellow cocker spaniel, but it was a cute and happy thing just like him.

That’s the mildest and most fuzzy dream I’ve had in ages, I probably had it because I really miss Rico and I found out yesterday that I’m going to be away from him longer than expected... I’m being transferred to the hospital my last admission was in so they can supervise my Abilify increase, and also keep an eye on some colourful thoughts

I’ve been having. I hope it’s not a long admission.

Not The End

I suppose someday my readers will stumble upon this whilst deleting their browsing history, and they will wonder “what the hell is onereclusivegirl?” and then they will see the labels on the right and remember this blog belonged to a depressed, anxious, borderline, OCD, slightly psychotic, whoops not borderline anymore, girl. She wrote here instead of letting the thoughts eat her alive.

Facebook no longer provides a means to post anything (a link for example) without excluding others from seeing it. I can’t risk my family, or future employers getting their hands on this blog. There will be no more facebook posts, but if you bookmark this you might get a new post here from time to time.

A little update,

I’m on a new drug, Abilify, so far it’s making me nauseous and has caused some visual disturbances. This OCD course isn’t quite right for me, but I am learning. None of my friends live around here, but a SMS or phone call would have been lovely, I’ve had one friend visitor and my parents and dog. It was like this last time too, I just feel out of sight out of mind when in hospital – and a lot of other times if I’m honest. My phone just beeped, the SMS tone and the battery full tone are the same, I just got excited over a full battery... Forgive me while I go and cry in a corner now.

Day Four of Visit Nine

Today I touched some dirty things and then ate a biscuit without washing my hands first. I didn’t like it.

This hospital is reasonably nice, private room and bathroom, it’s comfortable. The dining room is being renovated, so our meals are brought up to the ward, this means cold toast in the morning! Visitors are welcome, the hours are limited, but we can make it work.

I withdrew from my uni subject a few days ago, I feel like my creative ability has been stolen and there’s no way I can write a full length (good) play at the moment.

Could someone let me know if the facebook status “new post” I leave about this blog shows up on the ticker? I can’t post the link anymore because I’m afraid anyone can see it in the ticker, but if I don’t post the link people will stop coming.

Admission # 9

On Sunday I went for an interview at the hospital running the OCD program, I was told that I might get in the one starting at the end of October, but definitely the December one failing that. Then yesterday I got a call saying “We’ve had someone pull out of the next group, can you come in on Saturday!” So with little time to prepare myself for it I’m off to hospital for my 9^th admission. This time is different, it’s not a crisis admission, but rather a course to teach me (and 7 others) CBT skills for eight hours a day. I don’t really feel like my OCD is bad enough to be doing this program, Lovan takes care of it very well, and I wonder if I should have come off it before the admission so they can see me at my worst. Then I can learn skills to help with the worst, but maybe it will be easier to learn if I’m not distressed. Rico has been amazing lately, the drugs and routine have worked well, I can now leave him inside when I go out without worrying, he doesn’t pound on the window as I walk away and he isn’t so enthusiastic when I get home that he could knock me over. I hope the two week holiday at my parents’ doesn’t send him back to square one.

Word Stew

My vision has returned enough to be going on with daily life, but I still have to strain to see up close, and I have to rest my eyes frequently. I’m now completely off Zeldox and Cogentin, so far it doesn’t seem like I’ll need a replacement, I’m actually fine! I wonder if I might be coming to the end of all this, the prospect scares me, because if I’m well then it means I’ve got no excuse not to be working and studying hard. I worked two days this week and I was watching the clock from the moment I arrived, I need work I find interesting and challenging but I won’t find it unless I keep doing well at uni, which I won’t finish for another 7.5 years if my study load doesn’t increase. I’m already thinking of dropping my one and only subject for this semester, the eye thing set me back two weeks, I have no creative energy and deadlines are flying by...

A Little Catch up

I haven’t posted for a while because the new medication gave me very blurred near vision, it’s slowly improving since I stopped taking it, I can see well enough to type now, but it hurts to focus on anything close for too long (long being a few seconds). I haven’t done any uni work because I can’t read and I’m getting behind which is giving me more stress than I need when I have a drug change coming up – since the drug to treat the side effects gave me worse side effects, that means I have to come off the first one too. The drug I have to come off is the anti-psychotic, it has been the one getting rid of the graphic violent urges, just reducing the dose isn’t an option because I feel like I need a higher dose to maintain where I am now, now is far from perfect, but still quite good.

On Monday and Tuesday of next week I will be working for the first time in 22 months! I agreed a while ago to be the emergency barista for a not so local cafe. I was offered  a proper job but with my health so up and down I’d make a very unreliable employee – plus I have no desire to work in hospitality; as much as I love sending out a great coffee, it is just coffee and I’m terrible with customers. I hope this will be a coffee only arrangement and I don’t have to talk to people, also that I don’t have to carry the coffees out, my hands are so shaky – I probably should have mentioned that before accepting the shifts. I have five days to change my mind, this feels like a really bad idea, they’re 7 hour shifts, that’s long when you’re only just dipping your toe back in the water, but maybe being out there doing stuff will be good for me.

Benzlakinjordhadinturpproptropine

I’m starting a new drug tonight for the tremors, I don’t know anything about it because it wasn’t discussed in the consult last week, and I can’t find much useful information in this wonderful web. Here’s to more side effects; oh I hope not.

Black Dog

I got home today to find Rico with his head stuck in the fence, he’d worked a panel loose and got his head between it and the support beam, the nail was resting on top of his head. My neighbour had to break more of the fence so we could get him out; he was well and truly stuck. I’d been meaning to take Rico to the vet for his separation anxiety and vaccinations for a while, but I kept putting it off, today we got there! Rico and I are now on one of the same drugs – Lovan, and he’s on Xanax, a sedative I had a few years ago, quite an effective one actually... We have lots of behaviour modification work to do, but hopefully today is the beginning of the end of home destruction and sad lonely doggy. I must thank K - a vet friend - today should have destroyed my wallet, but it didn’t.

Insomnia is back with all its might, going off the Stilnox was a bad idea, I’m back on it now but it’s not working. I’ve never fainted, but I think I came very close this evening while walking Rico, not from the exercise - I’m not that unfit - but from the movement, and my inability to bring things into focus. I have the same problem when driving, and it’s why I haven’t been doing much of it lately, every time I look anywhere but ahead I’m in trouble. Hopefully I sleep a bit tonight so I can write well tomorrow, I can’t go to art due to the hole in the fence and dog escaping issue, so getting some script done is a good idea.

Waste

The man with the energy vacuum has been to visit, he took everything and I have to go out soon, I can hardly walk from the lounge to the kitchen! I love the clarity in my mind at the moment, it’s what I imagine most people have going on in there, but the amount of drugs it takes to keep me there is really quite high. Some of the side effects are getting too much to handle, and I worry that I’ll need to come off or reduce some drugs, there ending my brief encounter with sanity. In October I’m doing a two week inpatient CBT program, which if successful will mean I can start coming down on the antidepressants, which should mean I won’t need the others. There are a lot of maybes, but at least there’s a plan. I fear losing what I have now because in the bad times I can’t remember that this is possible. I hope these more positive posts will help me when things do go bad, I won’t have to trust my Dr; I can trust my own words that sanity exists, even for me.

Thanks for your comments last week, they were helpful and encouraging. Thanks also to my non Christian readers for not encouraging me to quit, and for one even telling me to persevere.

One last thing... I DON’T HAVE MS! My symptoms have been put down to anxiety, you wouldn’t believe how much the mind can affect the body. 

Why go to Church?

Why do I go to church? If I’m honest with myself it’s not to worship God, it’s not to learn, it’s not to serve; it’s just to be around people, it’s a lazy way to not be lonely for a few hours and it doesn’t always work! I go to church hoping to do these good things but my brain is too dead to learn, my heart is too cold to worship and I’m too fucked up to serve - I’ve tried the coffee ministry a few times and I kept scowling at people (they liked my coffee though). It’s hard to not give up your faith when you feel it does nothing for you, or even worse depresses you, there’s nothing like congregational worship to enlighten the gap between you and them, by the end I feel like I have no soul. The obvious answer to the feeling empty problem would be that I am empty. I am not strong in my faith; maybe the Holy Spirit has deemed me not a good home and departed, or maybe I’m just not trying enough. I don’t pray enough, they’re mostly conversational bits throughout the day and I rarely read the Bible even though I know there’s a wealth of knowledge in there and a lot of very encouraging and uplifting parts. So, then we come to commitment, I lack it in reading and praying, but I have held on to my faith through 13 years, many of them difficult and I’ve adhered to some of the more difficult guidelines for living, but is it now just habit?

Tonight’s service topic was “Redeeming Singleness” – basically why singleness doesn’t totally suck! I hate being single, but I know I will remain so until my relationship with God is greatly improved, in my last (and only) relationship I made him my god; I never would have admitted it at the time but I can see now that that’s where my heart was and it was one of the big reasons it couldn’t work. Since the breakup I could have had a few relationships or flings, and I am a human, I have a libido! But instead I waited, and continue to wait for, a godly man (I might have one or two in mind...) but I am not the godly woman they deserve. In jest the minister went through a checklist for finding the perfect Christian partner tonight and I fall very short, I can’t go back a few generations and make my entire ancestry outstanding people of the church, I can’t make my parents Christians and my dad not frightening, I can’t make my brother a Christian, or even not the hate filled adolescent that he is. Basically I want a prize Christian man who will help me draw nearer to God and discourage me from making him my god instead, but I am not his prize woman – yet. I need an amazing man who can help me get better, or I need a very long wait and a lot of work to become at least a little bit of a prize, I suspect it will be the latter; or singleness which brings me back to the beginning, loneliness and why go to church at all – well... I need to change.

I’ve decided to allow anonymous comments again, it’s annoying having to sign in just to leave a quick comment. I’m keeping the moderation on and won’t be publishing the highly insulting ones, you can disagree with me and I’ll publish it but you don’t have to attack in the process, I have feelings however damaged they are. I’ve been doing more personal writing lately which is why there have been fewer posts, I don’t know if that will change, but that’s why the absence.

Changing

Down. Medium. Down. Down. Medium. Down. Medium. Medium. High. Down. Down. Down. Down. Medium. I like medium, I’m there now and it’s a good fit. I realised tonight after seeing a friend, that my friends have had a hard time through this ordeal too. Not just my moods, but my alertness, my ability to talk and anxiety levels are ever changing.  I had a bit of a crash last week and the concern and confusion were clear on my friends faces. I can see it would be hard not knowing what’s going to happen next with your friendship, but I saw no sign of impatience in them. This is a slow battle, it may never end completely, and I must remember I’m bringing people along with me and spare them a thought (though a prayer would be more helpful!).

Due to last week’s crash one of my medications was increased on Monday, it’s working already and I feel much better. The side effects have increased with the dose; my hands are shaking most of the time, I find it hard to speak because my mouth is trembling and (this is a guess) it feels like there are muscle spasms in my neck at the base of the head because my head tremors for quite long periods a few times a day. These sound awful, but I still prefer how I feel now - side effects included – to the last year and a bit. I thank God (really) that my Doctor took the risk of admitting me given my history and the fact no one else would, and that he is open minded enough to question a diagnosis given by many doctors; both he and my psychologist are now quite sure it’s not BPD and that the self harm urges are intrusive thoughts rather than a coping mechanism for me, the best thing about this is no DBT!  

Umm

I overdid it today, by a lot! I can’t think straight enough to write well so this will be short. This evening I had the strangest psychiatrist appointment I’ve ever had, it left me confused, a little angry and utterly exhausted. I almost wish I could train as a psychiatrist just so I could understand everything; I know you can’t treat yourself, but there’s just so much information, I thought I had a pretty good understanding of the parts relevant to me – I’m not even close! It’s 11 days until I see the neurologist again, I’m working myself up now, but I can feel it in bones that it is MS, and I’m terrified. 

One Wrong Girl

Today I felt extraordinarily good, and I still do. I left the house twice, both quite long outings, one of which involved walking Rico. I had a nap in the evening and then a friend came over for a cup of tea and a chat. I have a little smile on my face at the moment and there’s no one here to pretend it’s there for. I thought I’d never feel this way again; I’ve got to get rid of the tiredness and then maybe I’m okay. I don’t have much to write about at the moment, I’ve been spending my time knitting, sleeping and watching Mad Men and Spooks. I doubt you want to hear about my knitting errors, and plot lines I can’t remember because I’m half asleep; so let this post act as a record that I was wrong about never getting better, I take now with the tiredness over any given day in the last 14 months and many, many days before that.