Some Musings

For the last few years I have been defined by my illness, it’s really all there was to me and now that it is mostly gone I don’t know who I am or what to do with myself. I no longer spend my days in a pit of despair thinking about death or what I’ll use to cut my self to pieces. I’m not on a long list of medications and grappling with whether or not I should be in hospital; I’m just existing. I’m still on Imovane to help me sleep and about once a week I take a Largactil when I start to feel impulsive / dangerous and that’s it. Tomorrow I’m seeing my psychiatrist and it will be a very hard consultation because there will be so little to talk about. I’m going to ask if I can start seeing him fortnightly because the weekly consultations are just a waste of time and money at the moment. I’ll have to see him next Friday because I’ll be away the following week, but after that I think fortnightly consultations are a good idea.

I went to the supermarket an hour ago and on the way there I decided to buy some razor blades just incase I wanted to self harm. The temptation to do it was there so I thought I should have the necessary tools handy. It took me about 30 seconds to talk myself out of it, something I would have never been able to do in the past. It’s been over two months since I self harmed, quite the record! I don’t want to mess it up now; plus it’s summer, the scars would be hard to hide. I feel so ashamed of my left arm, it’s a complete mess and one of the scars is staying red, it’s right in the middle of my arm and has been there a while, it’s just not fading. I recently met a man who I quite liked, I was sitting opposite him for hours and had to reach across the table a bit, there’s no way he didn’t notice the mess that is my arm and I felt so awkward about it. Before I even get a chance to know someone they can make a pretty good guess that I’m messed up, so this is regret!

My dad was readmitted to hospital today after staying up all night in agony. I doubt it will be a long admission, the pain is most likely being caused by the radiotherapy treatment he’s having on his spine. He was told the treatment would make things worse before getting better, no one expected it to be this bad though. He’s been having a very hard time of late, the growth on his spine sends pain all over his body, everything hurts and he’s just miserable. I know death comes for us all, but this is just cruel. Dad’s cancer will claim his life but not in the immediate future, the poor thing has years of discomfort to endure first. He’s not at death’s door so even if euthanasia were legal I expect it wouldn’t yet be available to him but this is making me think about the issue more. Setting aside my religious beliefs, logic and compassion say to me that a quick escape from a slow and painful demise should be available to everyone; it’s very hard to make that sit well with my faith though. I don’t think it will be long before euthanasia is legal, along with other things the church opposes. When my time comes, despite my faith I don’t know if I could endure extreme pain when an escape is available and God is compassionate, perhaps he would understand.