Welcoming V

We’re getting a new housemate, as our relatively new J - who will be greatly missed - is off to get married very soon.

I’m not long home from a session with my psychiatrist; we talked about an admission at the end of next week, just as a respite, but I refused because I don’t want our new housemate, V’s first impression of the house to be “Oh, one of them is in a psychiatric hospital, well that’s just great!” She knows I have depression and spend time in hospital, as we all agreed she should know something about what to expect from me, but I didn’t mention the BPD and anxiety. It’ll come up in conversation, but not until I’m ready. BPD’s a crappy diagnosis with so much stigma attached to it; and because I have the co-morbid conditions of depression and anxiety I can’t really separate symptoms to adequately describe the experience. I can give you this: Right now my mood is about a 4/10, but largely I’m numb, urge to cut 7/10, urge to OD 8/10, but strength to refuse urges: 8/10 for OD and 7/10 for cutting, so it’s unlikely I’ll be doing either of those things today. I have things on this weekend I’d like to be conscious for, but I could get away with some cuts.

I just worked out that by the date I feel it’ll be acceptable, with the new housemate in mind, for me to go back in I will have been out of hospital for 12 weeks, that’s a very long time for me. I’ve had the one night in Short-Stay after the Seroquel overdose, but we’re not counting that. I may not last till 12 weeks, but I don’t want to scare V away. Really I should have gone in a couple of weeks ago when I was very low and used that time as a respite as well as a safety net. I’m a little scared that by postponing the admission I’m going to have a meltdown and destroy things with V more than my absence would have. Choices.