May

For once I’m not writing from hospital, or straight after an OD, or freshly stitched. This is just a few little updates and thoughts.

I had a meeting with one of my church’s ministers a few weeks ago to discuss the many things about church and Christianity I’m struggling with. One of his suggestions was to arrive at church late so I miss the big chunk of worship right at the beginning. Worship makes me feel very isolated, I feel separate to the congregation, like they’re having this two-way conversation with God and actually feeling Him and I’m just standing there watching people sway, raise their hands (not much of that in my church) and I’m just reading words off a screen, analysing them for their scriptural accuracy and then sometimes repeating them in my head as a prayer if I think I might mean it. I can listen to a sermon, my concentration doesn’t always hold out, but it doesn’t get me distressed; worship has me wanting to run away, it really highlights to me how numb I am. I arrived 25 minutes late last night and I’d missed the Bible reading at the start of the sermon, so I might try 22 minutes next time. There’s still the three songs at the end, I could leave early but then I wouldn’t get to talk to anyone.

I had about eight weeks on Dexamphetamine, I’m still on it but reducing the dose by half a pill a week until I’m off it; it’s an ADHD drug, but with some people it helps with mood and energy, both of which it did for me. I felt the best I have for a very long time, I cut down the amount I was sleeping to about that of a normal person and was starting to look for a little bit of paid work. Then it stopped. My doctor told me it may not last, so I wasn’t really surprised, but I think I wish I didn’t have that good period because it’s made the come-down really hard, I had that glimpse of what things could be like and now it’s gone. All of last week I was in emotional distress, I woke up holding back tears every morning (I can’t actually cry even if I want to, so only metaphorically holding them back) and got through the days in a zombie like state. Since Saturday it’s just been numbness with a touch of distress here or there, but that wishing for death, crushing sort of feeling has eased. I can’t keep this up, it’s been about seven years now that feeling numb is akin to most people’s feeling good, there is no good, it’s numb or feeling like I have to die or tear off my skin.

Just to add another great thing to my life, I’m having minor surgery on Thursday to remove a giant cell tumour from my right middle finger. The surgeon said it’s 95% likely to be benign. I sometimes get a little bit worried, but it’s a tiny percentage. I’m totally fine about dying, but there are better ways to go than cancer and the horrible treatments that come with it. I won’t have much use of my right hand for a week after the surgery as my finger will be bandaged and I won’t be able to get it wet. My left hand is stupid; I’m not looking forward to brushing my teeth left-handed.