Anxiety Demon

I took my night meds about an hour ago so I may drift off whilst writing this…

I was triggered to write because I thought, “maybe there’s some sort of creature / demon who is actually getting his belly filled up from eating all my anxious thoughts.”

Just now I was lying in bed thinking about our living situation, and really it’s all gone wrong too fast. The landlord is moving back in in January or February, there are three of us wanting to stay together, one maybe and one no because he’s getting married (good enough excuse).  So I was lying in bed worrying about that and also where I will live long term. I love the Eastern suburbs, I love the trees, the lake around the corner from my house and the birds – we get Rosellas hopping along our balcony ledge every day. They make me smile. The health care is better in the East too. The public mental health service is rotten in the West and they treat you like a criminal; when you go to see your case manager you have to talk to the receptionist through a tiny crack in the window separating her from the potentially murderous patients, the chairs are all plastic and the floors hard. I was never offered anything like I have over here, my mental health support worker who comes to see me once a week, though we often go out for coffee and casually talk about my goals and how she and her organisation can help me achieve them. I greatly value the support I’ve had through my support worker and the agency. I’m taking up pottery through them soon. No such thing exists in the West. Unprompted my doctor said on Wednesday that my move to the East has been very good for me. From the nature point of view, services and being closer to my friends and church. I’ve been in two of my local public psychiatric hospitals – public is never fun, but they’re both much less terrifying than the one I’ve been to in the West.

I’m scared of moving back West, which could happen due to us housemates all needing to find somewhere – maybe I’ll fail and end up back with Mum, maybe in the future I’ll choose to live there for other reasons. But with no support, very few friends, no hills, very few trees and a truly scary local hospital if I have to go public it will be challenging. I think the solution is a LA style risen road network of 30 lane roads (with 150kph speeds) going everywhere so there’s never any traffic and you could get from East to West in 20mins. Just the little pollution and ugliness issues to manage.