Here Again

This is the first time I’ve written since November, and as usual I’m writing from hospital. The most exciting thing to have happened since my last post is that I moved house again. I’m now living with four people, two from my church and two from a church that everyone seems to know someone from. I love the house; there’s always someone home at night, we cook for each other and there’s just a general sense of kindness and care. I wasn’t doing well at the old house; I was alone too much and had no motivation to cook for myself. I resorted to eating very little and when my stomach hurt using those powdered shakes to line my stomach. Being in hospital again has nothing to do with my living arrangements, I really couldn’t be happier there.

I was in here for six weeks recently with the plan of getting me off Lithium. My doctor decided to do it as an inpatient because he knows how sensitive I am to medication changes. He halved my dose and for a while it seemed to be going well, but then I became very depressed and agitated. It improved very quickly once the dose was increased again. My mood was still too low to send me home though so I had a round of ECT. I have no fear of ECT and I like the feeling of the anesthetic kicking in so there’s a kind of good side to it. It works very well for me and two days after the course ended I was sent home feeling great.

The positive feeling persisted for two weeks and then I started planning my suicide, a method I have access to and so could do very easily. I sat with the feeling for two days and then called my doctor. As usual there’s some protective element inside me because rather than follow through with it I called him, he suggested taking some Seroquel and having an early night and that we’d speak the following day. The following day came and I was more bent on dying and very reluctant to go into hospital, but he insisted. I only have accompanied leave, so I feel caged up. I’ve been here since Saturday and I’ve had my Mum visit on Tuesday and my outreach worker today, so that’s twice I’ve been outside in almost a week. Two friends might come tonight and another on Sunday.

I’m very disappointed in myself for being here this time. I was only home for two and a half weeks between admissions and I feel like I’m letting the household down because I’m not there to do my share of the cooking and shopping, but they’re a good bunch and I know they’re not going to resent me for being sick. I would like to explain to them what it’s like for me, that even though I can appear completely fine I can be in great turmoil. I’d like to have the kind of relationship with all of them where I can honestly talk about all this shit. I don’t even have that with my Mum. I wasn’t raised in a very emotionally open environment. I suppose when your husband is a nasty alcoholic you’re trained to answer “fine thanks” each time you’re asked how you are. I would have picked up on that.

I decided this afternoon that I was going to stop eating as a form of self-harm and control, it’s easy to feel like others have power over you in here. God is good. I decided this in art therapy and when I got back I had a message from a friend asking me to dinner tonight. I’m not going to go out for dinner with someone and not eat. So I’ll start that tomorrow if I still feel that way, it may be that I’ve changed my mind by then.