Shackled

After a long and complicated discussion with a friend yesterday I’ve accepted that my faith is in a terrible state and this really needs to change. In recent days I’ve accepted something that may tear me away from Christianity completely; and because I don’t feel I have a relationship with God but merely follow all the rules thinking that’s what makes me a Christian I don’t feel I have God’s help as I face this situation. I’ve been attending church regularly since I was 14; I’ve been praying little prayers throughout the day and longer ones at night, reading the bible and attending bible studies. I’ve sought to obey all the rules and suggestions the church has - these are usually drawn right out of the bible and therefore are from God and I’ve assumed that all these things would be pleasing to God and are what a Christian should do. I don’t know how many times I’ve asked for salvation and for the holy spirit to come into my life, you would think that once would do! I don’t know if I haven’t been truly repentant and so it hasn’t worked or if as it should it worked the first time when I was 14 and there’s some other problem in me. I’ve never felt the influence of the spirit, I’ve never heard from God, reading the bible is just like reading any other book and praying is like talking to the ground or ceiling. If my faith doesn’t soon become a genuine relationship with God where I feel a connection to him, and the thing in my life which defines me I will end up resenting it and turn away or be very miserable for the rest of my life trying to follow rules that I don’t want to but feel I have to.  I know faith isn’t about feelings but there ought to be some, it is after all a relationship. All logic tells me to persevere and try to fix my faith but then there’s the part of me that says I’m never going to have the relationship with God that all the Christians I know seem to have and that I should pursue this sin that’s tempting me. I hope more help from friends and from my churches pastoral carer (though I’m a bit frightened of that conversation) will change things for the better, I really don’t want to lose my faith if I have one. I want to love God.

Comments are very welcome, I could use your advise. Or PM me through facebook for a more private discussion.