Waste

The man with the energy vacuum has been to visit, he took everything and I have to go out soon, I can hardly walk from the lounge to the kitchen! I love the clarity in my mind at the moment, it’s what I imagine most people have going on in there, but the amount of drugs it takes to keep me there is really quite high. Some of the side effects are getting too much to handle, and I worry that I’ll need to come off or reduce some drugs, there ending my brief encounter with sanity. In October I’m doing a two week inpatient CBT program, which if successful will mean I can start coming down on the antidepressants, which should mean I won’t need the others. There are a lot of maybes, but at least there’s a plan. I fear losing what I have now because in the bad times I can’t remember that this is possible. I hope these more positive posts will help me when things do go bad, I won’t have to trust my Dr; I can trust my own words that sanity exists, even for me.

Thanks for your comments last week, they were helpful and encouraging. Thanks also to my non Christian readers for not encouraging me to quit, and for one even telling me to persevere.

One last thing... I DON’T HAVE MS! My symptoms have been put down to anxiety, you wouldn’t believe how much the mind can affect the body. 

Why go to Church?

Why do I go to church? If I’m honest with myself it’s not to worship God, it’s not to learn, it’s not to serve; it’s just to be around people, it’s a lazy way to not be lonely for a few hours and it doesn’t always work! I go to church hoping to do these good things but my brain is too dead to learn, my heart is too cold to worship and I’m too fucked up to serve - I’ve tried the coffee ministry a few times and I kept scowling at people (they liked my coffee though). It’s hard to not give up your faith when you feel it does nothing for you, or even worse depresses you, there’s nothing like congregational worship to enlighten the gap between you and them, by the end I feel like I have no soul. The obvious answer to the feeling empty problem would be that I am empty. I am not strong in my faith; maybe the Holy Spirit has deemed me not a good home and departed, or maybe I’m just not trying enough. I don’t pray enough, they’re mostly conversational bits throughout the day and I rarely read the Bible even though I know there’s a wealth of knowledge in there and a lot of very encouraging and uplifting parts. So, then we come to commitment, I lack it in reading and praying, but I have held on to my faith through 13 years, many of them difficult and I’ve adhered to some of the more difficult guidelines for living, but is it now just habit?

Tonight’s service topic was “Redeeming Singleness” – basically why singleness doesn’t totally suck! I hate being single, but I know I will remain so until my relationship with God is greatly improved, in my last (and only) relationship I made him my god; I never would have admitted it at the time but I can see now that that’s where my heart was and it was one of the big reasons it couldn’t work. Since the breakup I could have had a few relationships or flings, and I am a human, I have a libido! But instead I waited, and continue to wait for, a godly man (I might have one or two in mind...) but I am not the godly woman they deserve. In jest the minister went through a checklist for finding the perfect Christian partner tonight and I fall very short, I can’t go back a few generations and make my entire ancestry outstanding people of the church, I can’t make my parents Christians and my dad not frightening, I can’t make my brother a Christian, or even not the hate filled adolescent that he is. Basically I want a prize Christian man who will help me draw nearer to God and discourage me from making him my god instead, but I am not his prize woman – yet. I need an amazing man who can help me get better, or I need a very long wait and a lot of work to become at least a little bit of a prize, I suspect it will be the latter; or singleness which brings me back to the beginning, loneliness and why go to church at all – well... I need to change.

I’ve decided to allow anonymous comments again, it’s annoying having to sign in just to leave a quick comment. I’m keeping the moderation on and won’t be publishing the highly insulting ones, you can disagree with me and I’ll publish it but you don’t have to attack in the process, I have feelings however damaged they are. I’ve been doing more personal writing lately which is why there have been fewer posts, I don’t know if that will change, but that’s why the absence.

Changing

Down. Medium. Down. Down. Medium. Down. Medium. Medium. High. Down. Down. Down. Down. Medium. I like medium, I’m there now and it’s a good fit. I realised tonight after seeing a friend, that my friends have had a hard time through this ordeal too. Not just my moods, but my alertness, my ability to talk and anxiety levels are ever changing.  I had a bit of a crash last week and the concern and confusion were clear on my friends faces. I can see it would be hard not knowing what’s going to happen next with your friendship, but I saw no sign of impatience in them. This is a slow battle, it may never end completely, and I must remember I’m bringing people along with me and spare them a thought (though a prayer would be more helpful!).

Due to last week’s crash one of my medications was increased on Monday, it’s working already and I feel much better. The side effects have increased with the dose; my hands are shaking most of the time, I find it hard to speak because my mouth is trembling and (this is a guess) it feels like there are muscle spasms in my neck at the base of the head because my head tremors for quite long periods a few times a day. These sound awful, but I still prefer how I feel now - side effects included – to the last year and a bit. I thank God (really) that my Doctor took the risk of admitting me given my history and the fact no one else would, and that he is open minded enough to question a diagnosis given by many doctors; both he and my psychologist are now quite sure it’s not BPD and that the self harm urges are intrusive thoughts rather than a coping mechanism for me, the best thing about this is no DBT!  

Umm

I overdid it today, by a lot! I can’t think straight enough to write well so this will be short. This evening I had the strangest psychiatrist appointment I’ve ever had, it left me confused, a little angry and utterly exhausted. I almost wish I could train as a psychiatrist just so I could understand everything; I know you can’t treat yourself, but there’s just so much information, I thought I had a pretty good understanding of the parts relevant to me – I’m not even close! It’s 11 days until I see the neurologist again, I’m working myself up now, but I can feel it in bones that it is MS, and I’m terrified. 

One Wrong Girl

Today I felt extraordinarily good, and I still do. I left the house twice, both quite long outings, one of which involved walking Rico. I had a nap in the evening and then a friend came over for a cup of tea and a chat. I have a little smile on my face at the moment and there’s no one here to pretend it’s there for. I thought I’d never feel this way again; I’ve got to get rid of the tiredness and then maybe I’m okay. I don’t have much to write about at the moment, I’ve been spending my time knitting, sleeping and watching Mad Men and Spooks. I doubt you want to hear about my knitting errors, and plot lines I can’t remember because I’m half asleep; so let this post act as a record that I was wrong about never getting better, I take now with the tiredness over any given day in the last 14 months and many, many days before that.