24 Days of Hurdles

I’m still here. This admission looks like it is going to be longer than my last one. The hurdles to freedom are tough to clear; I have to gain a better understanding of, and accept that I have to deal with B.P.D. I am not yet at the stage where I can accept the help being offered to me, this is because I can’t see the outcome being good, and it is a lot of work. My doctor wants me to do the outpatient D.B.T course, it takes 12 months and it’s hard. I am not good in talking groups, I feel patronised, I get frustrated, I get angry and then, often, I leave. I expect that I will be back in here a few more times, there’s no way they have cured me of my attraction to sharp and hot things. I don’t know what impact further admissions will have on my participation in the outpatient program, or if they will just accept that I’m not ‘cured’ and turn a blind eye to future bodily experiments – the latest of which was a big impulsive haircut, it didn’t turn out too badly considering looking good was not the aim.

Today I had two coffee dates, one with F - it was lovely to see her. It has been a short friendship with F but I value it highly, she is kind, wise and fun. The second coffee date was in the same cafe, only 15 minutes later with R – a recently discharged patient, we had a good long chat and far too much caffeine.

I tried to go to church on Sunday but the nurses somehow screwed up ordering my taxi, they then cancelled it and I ordered one for myself, it got to 15 minutes after the service had started and I decided to cancel the taxi because I would have missed 35 minutes of the service even if the taxi rolled up at that moment. I was very disappointed, but I’d had a busy day with my mum - including a minor freak out in a crowded shop. So maybe it was better for me to avoid being around another crowd that day - even if it was a holy crowd! The young adult minister has been to visit me and he has tried to come a second time; I am impressed with the effort he and others have made to help me not feel excluded. This Sunday (if I’m still in here) I will make a second attempt at getting a taxi to church but F will be able to bring me back afterwards, she’s busy with coffee ministry beforehand – how great is that, my church has a coffee ministry! It’s not as trivial as it sounds it’s actually a great idea.