Long Live K

I don’t have a happy post today, they’re so rare an occurrence that you should know not to come here for a dose of joy.

I had a little admission from 3/4 – 7/4 due to strong, impulsive suicidal urges. That also included a trip to the Alfred, but I left before being seen by a Dr.

A woman I met through Gumtree and I have been looking for houses. We went to an inspection on Tuesday and applied, even offered more because there were around 50 other people there. We were told yesterday that we were unsuccessful. The house was the best I’ve seen and in a very good location – I would have been able to walk to things, I’ve never lived in a good walking location. There are other houses out there yes, but I’ve been looking for 16 months, it’s about time something went right.

My psychiatrist has asked to see my school reports between the ages of 5 – 10, he’s assessing me for ADHA. I read through not just those ones, but all of my school years last night and I found it very disheartening. I only remember being woefully bad at science and maths, but according to my reports it was everything except drama and sometimes music and English. Some of the teachers’ comments were venomous and lacked even a hint of encouragement. Things took a dive when I moved schools at the end of grade 5. I don’t know if the new school spent more time on reports and the old one just said everyone is wonderful, or if in the space of one Summer holiday I forgot how to do everything I’d been taught to the extent of having most of the highest boxes ticked to the mediocre – lowest.  People often tell me I’m smart and I correct them or try to pretend they didn’t say it. It’s something I love to hear, but I can’t believe it because of my results in school. How can you be smart when you struggled with all but one subject in school, when you only got into uni by audition and only excelled in the core subjects? I am what I hate, mediocrity, or even worse idiocy and laziness.

I don’t want to do this anymore. I wish I wasn’t afraid to finish it. I could; I still have my medication stockpile from last year’s planning. But I’m a mediocre, lazy, stupid coward and I’m going to live in boredom and pain until I’m 97.