Tonight was the first time I’ve self-harmed
since October, it didn’t fix anything, I still feel like shit. Church was awful
tonight, I feel this huge disconnect to God and being in church surrounded by
everyone who’s (on the outside at least) completely fine just amplifies the
problem. I can’t sing because I don’t feel genuine about what I’m singing, I
can’t seem to make my self pay attention to the sermon because by time we get
there I’ve already spent 20 minutes feeling alienated. I tried to talk to one of
the ministers after the service tonight but he had to do something else, maybe
if I’d fallen on the floor and burst into tears he’d have had time for me,
that’s how I feel but tears don’t come easy to me. I want to be closer to God,
I want to fully participate in church life and feel something but there’s
nothing there, I feel completely alone. I don’t know what the solution is, I
just know that something has to change.
i understand what this feels like. Sometimes we need to shut off out feelings and belive what we know is truth. God loves you and you are not alone. Hold on to what you know is true. I am praying for you. From one heart to another
ReplyDeleteYou were so helpful tonight, we couldn't have run better beans without you. I am really grateful for your help with this ministry. I didn't know you were having a bad night, I had a lot of people to talk to and I wish I could have caught up with you xx
ReplyDeleteOh Honey thats not good. I can say that you are completely correct in what you said about everyone seems like they have it under control by their appearance, unfortunately that's a cultural thing. I am so sorry to hear that you tried to talk to someone and they were busy. Please don't stop trying to talk! Maybe you need to try someone in the congregation. There are people around you who want to listen and pray with you! I was so happy to see you last week looking well and happy, so I'm really sad to hear that you aren't doing so well now.
ReplyDeleteI will pray for you this week and I hope to see you there on Sunday again.
Trust me, I know from experience, God is there even if you feel alienated and distant. He hasn't let go of you! Turning up to church is a kick in the stomach for Satan, so keeping fighting and God WILL give you the strength, courage and ability to defeat the darkness.
Blessings