Writing. Stuff. Moving

I've been in the clinic for three weeks and three days. At first I remained very depressed and had my leave taken away a few times and all my stuff put in the nurses' station. I'm much better now, still having the suicidal urges, but I don't think they'll ever go away. I've had 14 TMS sessions and the last four days I seem to have picked up. I know this because people are commenting that I actually look human (they say it in nicer words than that) and I've finally started writing my novel. I had quite a lot of backstory and character development written, but I was too scared to start the actual story. I've finished the first chapter (first draft only, I'm sure it'll change) and made a start on chapter two, I think chapter two may end up being later in the story, but for now it's two. I've got just under 2000 words, which I know isn't a lot, but it's what most of my uni assignments were, so it feels good to have pumped that out quite quickly.

I had some company today, the 6pm minister and a friend, D, came to have communion with me, and then D and I went out for lunch. I'm not too bored at the moment, I'm watching Stranger Things, just two episodes a night, I had to re-watch season one a bit quicker than that so I could be ready for the season 2 release yesterday. I bought a new sim card for my old phone and got a good data deal, so I have better internet than usual when I'm in here. I use the phone as a hotspot. It's pretty crazy that there's no patient WIFI in here in 2017, nearly 2018. There is hope though.

I'm (again) considering a move to Edinburgh. I'm going to ask my psychiatrist if he can get a phone number for any NHS psychiatrists over there. I've sent off an e-mail to a clinic, it looks like the NHS doctors are all in hospitals though. I've emailed my church over there to ask if people often put up notices or ask around for flatmates and just letting them know that I'm looking. I have some very good friends here, but I just don't feel like Melbourne has much to offer me. I always get a feeling of belonging when I'm in Edinburgh. I haven't looked into the courses on offer or if I'd have a hope in hell of getting in, but Edinburgh University is one of the good ones.

I know this is a sudden ending, but my night meds are kicking in, so good night.

Only Five Stitches

I don't know the train timetable for my local station, and I haven't scouted out the best way to get to a train without actually jumping off the station platform and traumatising everyone on it. I feel like making the trip down there once darkness has EVENTUALLY fallen tonight - fuck you daylight savings!

I had a bad day. Woke around 6 am and just stayed in bed because it is warm there until 8 am when I could stay there no longer. Breakfast, French lesson and then carved up my arm. Appointment with my support worker followed by a lucky to get appointment with a GP at my clinic, but not my GP as she's away. Five stitches, lots of steri-strips and some antibiotic cream on a wound from Saturday and off I went. Lunch. Appointment with my psychologist - that went well - and she's seeing me again on Friday because I need some extra support to make it to Sunday when I go back into the clinic.

I've been exhausted since about 1 pm, and I couldn't sleep when I tried to nap. I'm going to follow hospital timetable and take my meds at 8 pm, which will have me asleep for 9 (hopefully).

I went to church last night and had a lot of trouble with the crowds and having to sit still for so long. I went out to make myself a cup of tea and got roped into serving on supper as there was only one person doing it. I planned on going to the train station afterwards but had a good conversation with one of the ladies in the church. It should have made me feel worse given the content, but it was nice just to have a long conversation with someone. I need that tonight, but absolutely everyone is busy. (sorry if I didn't call or text you and you're a friend, my brain is foggy right now. You can call/text me though)

My eyes hurt, I need to close them.

The End.

Ten

Tonight is my last night in the hospital. I wasn't given much notice; my doctor decided only last night. It might have been a compassionate move to save me from a shared room. When you misbehave in here they can move you for your own safety. I think it's just to be dicks. I told the NUM that if he moved me I'd discharge myself. And if I weren't able to discharge I'd just camp in the hall refusing to go into my new room until they either gave my single room back or let me go home. So the naughty thing. I absconded a little bit. By stealth I got out the door, but then came back after about 30 seconds because the reality of the situation hit me - the police would be at the train station before me, and then I'd be taken to the psych ward I most dread. Not long after my return I needed to calm down, and the best way to do that is by cutting myself, so I smashed a mug in my bathroom and planned to cut my leg with the shards. I've got two pairs of black pants and two pairs of black leggings here, so I'd be able just to let it bleed without needing to patch it up and no one would notice. A nurse came in before I was able to do anything, and very shortly after, my doctor. I probably would have got caught anyway, as what I really want is a long gash from elbow to wrist, sometimes I can just feel what it is I need, and that's it at the moment.

TMS is finished, I was supposed to have 30, but the Dr running the show stopped it at 28 because it was obviously not working. I have been told it could still work, as it can be delayed. I think I'll just see how I feel while I'm at home and if I want to end it I've got a good method now. I'm only home for ten days anyway, Dr wants to do more TMS on the other side of my head - I had it on the left this time, now for the right. Also, he wants to take me off my antidepressant as we both believe it's doing nothing at all. Still leaves me on seven medications though! Ketamine is still a possibility, Dr has sent multiple emails and was going to call someone today. Dr is going away for ten days - one of the reasons for my discharge, and there have to be seven days at home before a new round of TMS - an insurance thing.

So K, how do you feel about returning to the big wide world?
Thanks for asking. I'm looking forward to catching up with certain friends for whom it is nearly impossible to visit me in hospital. I'm looking forward to getting back into the gym and getting my fitness up to a more respectable level; if that brings about some weight loss too, then great, but I think the weight is going to stay put until I'm off Seroquel. I'm looking forward to sleeping in my own bed. The hospital has upgraded to King singles, and I think my mattress is memory foam, so it's been super comfortable, but there's nothing like your own bed - especially when it's nice and big. I should probably use these 10 days of freedom to go to the dentist, there's nothing wrong but I haven't been this year.

Final thoughts: Don't be surprised to see me with tubi grip on my arm/s. Don't be surprised if I kill myself. Ask me if I want to catch up and I'll probably say yes, the busier I am the better; I've only got 10 days to get through, but that can feel like an eternity.

Choo Choo

Today was my 20th TMS, it was supposed to be the last for this round, but since not a drop of improvement has been found, we're persisting to 25. I think it will stop at 25 and my doctor will have to hound the Ketamine trial people, he's also mentioned deep brain stimulation, which I think sounds worse than it is, I've read a little about it, but I'm not going to do thorough research until the idea is officially on the table.

I seriously thought about killing myself yesterday, (the idea comes up every day, but usually I can shoo it away) I went out on leave and ended up at a train station. I sat there for about 45 minutes just watching the trains go by or stop. There's a sharp corner the train has to come around about 100m from the station, if I lay on it, the driver wouldn't see me until he's on top of me, no time to stop. I say lay, not stand because my plan is to place my head on the track so it gets crushed and there is 0% chance of survival. I'm not looking for another cry-for-help attempt; I want to die! The reason I didn't do it yesterday is that I still had six more TMS treatments to go and I had a glimmer of hope that I may feel once again what I had for those few weeks after the last round. Of course with each day passing and no improvement seen that hope fades. I'm on escorted leave only now, so no train for me until I'm discharged.

Why do I want to end it? Why can't I trust that my doctor will do all he can to help me? Well, I'm just worn down. It's been ten years of depression, and the last seven have been brutal. Doing even little things takes it out of me, writing this is hard when I'm sitting on my hospital bed propped up against the pillows I just want to be hugging. It's a lonely situation to be in as this hospital is 40 minutes from all of my friends' houses and about the same for my Mum. I'm always glad to get a visitor, but I don't beg people to come because I know it takes so long. I used to make friends in here around the art table, but I stick to myself now, I've been burned by hospital friends too frequently. I have one left - that's you L. Today I can't really concentrate, I've tried watching something on Netflix and didn't get far. I'm a quarter of the way through a movie, so I'll have another shot at that once I've posted this. But really, all I feel fit for is curling up under the blankets with some music, or perhaps an audiobook on.

Men

What kind of (Christian) man wants a 32-year-old, overweight woman struggling with three mental illnesses? That's not rhetorical - shoot! Actually, before you try to think of shooting ideas, here are some good things about me... I fancy myself a good, loyal friend, I'm very giving, actually both giving and receiving gifts are my love language, Depends on your sense of humour, but I think mine's good - darkish though. I think I've got a nice face despite the extra fat and I might be smart; lots of people say I am but I did poorly at school and only achieved really good marks in my performance and script writing units at uni.  I am trying to shift the weight, it was caused by one of my medications - it's not uncommon to gain 40kg very fast when you begin taking it, and that's exactly what happened to me. I started going to the gym before my UK trip, and I will pick that up again once I'm out of here. I'm also on a much more sensible diet than the "eat nothing but an egg and a mandarin a day" diet I tried while I was away.

I'm man hunting at the moment, to be honest I'd rather be hunted than do the hunting, but none are looking my way. I guess if they're not put off by the weight they're put off by the fact that I've spent most of this year in hospital. I think in a relationship I wouldn't be too difficult though; when I'm really down it's not like I walk around the house crying for days, I call my doctor and get it dealt with. I haven't taken an overdose since last year, and after this stint of TMS I should only be coming in for three days every month for TMS maintenance, this will really give me my life back, and I want to spend it with someone!

If the TMS continues to last with the ongoing maintenance I'll go back to uni in 2019 to finish my Masters. Everyone agrees that next year is a bit too optimistic. In the meantime I've got to get off my considerably large bottom and write this novel.

So, if you can think of a man for me, send him my way!

A World Away (from the TMS machine)

I fear my holiday may be over with 19 days to go before the flight home...

I arrived in London on 7/7/17, had a nice few days there before going to Edinburgh for little over a week, where I had a fabulous time. On arrival to Manchester I got to stay with my Aunt and Uncle in their 1640s farmhouse and play with their Great Dane, Bailey and French bulldog, Oliver. I was there for little over a week before coming to my Grandma's while Mum is alone in Italy. The public transport is more accessible from Grandma's than the farm and I don't have Mum to drive me around; I'll be back at the farm upon Mum's return.

I think I've succeeded in doing something every day. I went into the centre of Manchester yesterday alone, I only got a little bit lost. Today I had lunch with my Grandma, Aunt and cousin at a farm with a cafe and shop attached in Uppermill, it was very picturesque, but since there was a handrail in the way of any shots I would take and it was raining I refrained from photo taking. Tomorrow I'm going to my other Grandmother's, I think it'll take three buses. I'll hang out with her for a little while before my cousin and her daughters come to meet us there, we're then going to buy clothes for one of her daughters. Sadly my grandmother can't come as she is housebound. I wish she would consent to move into a home where she can get the care she so badly needs and some company, but her own room so she can also have privacy. I feel bad just flitting into her life for 5 minutes, seeing how happy the company makes her and then pissing off to the other side of the world.

While I was in Manchester yesterday I bought myself a new watch from Selfridges. I saw it last week with Mum, but she talked me out of buying it because it's Selfridges, therefore it's a humungous rip off; but in the meantime I've seen many similar, and frankly not as nice in other shops for a similar price, none lower, some quite a bit higher. So here it is.

I started this post saying my holiday is over, well, that's because I'm worn out; not from too much activity, from my mood and my need for a TMS boost. I finished TMS on 22/6/17, 36 days' ago. I should be in there now for maintenance. I'm so tired. I've had two naps today, one either side of the family lunch. I'm not at risk of doing this, but my mind keeps telling me to slit my throat and wrists, the throat for suicide, wrists just to see the blood. I'd never do it here, my family would have no idea what to do, if they found out, it may be summer but it's currently 14 degrees and raining so I'm wearing long sleeves. I'm wondering more and more about psychosis, I'm already on two anti psychotics, yet these urges to hurt myself are more like voices, I feel the physical pull but then there's an argument, it only contains my voice, but the other creature pulls me. I can't describe it so I'll stop there.

I've got three days coming up in the North of Wales with my Mum, Aunt and Grandfather. They're going to be pushing me to go on day trips and get angry if I waste the trip - and therefore Mum's money by staying in bed. I just don't know if I can do a whole day anymore.

I'm Too Happy to Buy Bottled Death

I'm writing this mostly for myself so I can remember that good times are possible.

I got home from hospital on Thursday, my last two TMS treatments being on Wednesday, and I feel good, verging on great. I woke up this morning smiling because I'd slept a 10-hour night right through with no extra sedatives; do bear in mind though that I had my normal sedatives - Neulactil, Stilnox, Seroquel and Lorazepam. I had a rather freaky dream, but not of the scary kind, so I didn't wake up troubled. My housemates and I just went to Bunnings and walking down the chemical aisle I briefly thought "If I drink that I could kill myself" but I pushed it out of my head really fast, normally I'd be thinking about whether or not I should buy it to keep handy for a really bad day or series of days.

Right now I'm letting my brunch digest before I go to the gym for the first time in my life. My support worker was able to get me $7 casual sessions at a nearby(ish) gym. I'm terribly unfit at the moment and I want to be able to walk more than 10 minutes when I'm in the UK so I can explore places, especially Edinburgh, it's quite hilly and the best bits are high up. When I get back my doctor is going to try to get me off Seroquel so I can drop some weight - an impossible task when taking Seroquel; currently I'm 113.5 KG, size 20. Somehow the change from size 18 to 20 felt really traumatic, much more so than going from 16 to 18. I'd like to drop some weight before the trip but I really don't think that's realistic now with it being only 10 days away, but hopefully if I go to the gym every day or every second day my fitness will improve a bit.

That's all I've got to say for now.

Happy K signing off!

To Grandma, I'm Not Going to Run Down The Street Naked

I took these photos for my Grandma, who I think is under the belief I'm in a 1950s style nut house. I wasn't aware of this, but my Mother and Grandma are both concerned about a few days I'll have without Mum's presence in Edinburgh and a week in Manchester when Mum will be traversing Italy. Mum brought it up in a meeting the two of us had with my doctor on Wednesday night; thankfully he was on my side and said that I'm an adult quite capable of roaming around Edinburgh as I desire, he just encouraged me to answer people's text messages to assure them all's well - that I'll do so long as they're not every 20 minutes!

                                                A bed, not a trolley with straps to tie me down!

                                          Shelves, bench and desk - plus a hoard of towles

                                   Exit into the main hospital and my ensuite door on the right.

Some things I've made whilst here. I know the koala is very Australiana, but it's for my (other) Grandma and she'll love it. 

Ensuite, you may notice the lack of shower curtain; some people don't like that, but I always leave them open, so I'm quite happy to go without.

                                                             The rest of the bathroom.

I was unable to take photos of the dining room or the two tea/coffee spaces due to not really being allowed to take photos in here and there's the possibility of capturing other patients.

So as you may guess from the photos, I'm still in hospital and undergoing TMS, it has definitely worked a lot on my mood, but my anxiety is troubling me every afternoon and evening as my meds are wearing off. I take the next batch at 8pm. I don't know how often people come in for maintenance and for how long. I think it's monthly and for a few days, but it differs according to peoples' needs. I hope when I get back from the trip I can relax for a week or so at home before having to come in here for a top up, it may even be a full session since I will have gone eight weeks without any. I'm going home on Thursday, bringing my days at home for the year up to 21, it'll reach 33 if I make it to the trip without needing to come back. Then 6 weeks away!

K