Freedom. Coming Soon to a Girl Near You.

First shower since Wednesday proudly brought to you by bathroom, enjoy the wetness!

Unless I have another meltdown and start swearing at my Dr and saying I’d like to annihilate the whole world I’m going home on Thursday! Lithium seems to be doing its job, I’ve been a lot calmer since starting it only five days ago and have even experienced a bit of happiness. Yes, I’m still unwell, but two days short of seven weeks is an adequate admission. Having had no unaccompanied leave this whole time has been hard, but it was necessary, I can’t afford to do something stupid while I’m out and have this hospital ban me too. I’m running out of hospitals.

53 days until I leave for the UK. I’m still terrified, but now looking forward to it too; it will be nice to see everyone and I can’t wait to bask in Edinburgh’s glory once more. I’ve decided against going to France, it’s a bit tricky with our other commitments, and having been in here so long I’ve been unable to exploit C for French lessons and I don’t want to be the arrogant tourist who just expects everyone to speak to them in English because you know they all know it anyway.

Three friends have visited me while I’ve been in here, one of them a few times – good job A! Some have had legitimate reasons for not being able to come, others have at least made the effort to SMS, but many I’m disappointed with. I think if I get into this supported accommodation place - which is in a totally different area to anywhere I’ve lived - I’ll sever ties with a lot of people, find a new church and just start anew. I believe I have a fundamental flaw that pushes people away, or flashes a “danger danger, back away” sign, so maybe wherever I go people won’t love me en masse, but I think I can do better than my current situation.

Haunted By Beauty

Day 3587 in hospital. Lonely, bored but not well enough to leave. I’m sorry, I have nothing good to report, but here’s a cute picture of Lester to make up for it.

I’m having a blood test tomorrow because my Dr wants to put me on Lithium and they have to check levels etc before commencing that. I don’t have bi-polar, which is what Lithium is generally used for, but he says it can compliment what I’m already on.

I very briefly mentioned two posts ago that my Dr was looking into accommodation options for me. Well, he’s suggested a supported facility, which is in his public catchment area. We filled in the application together on Saturday and he sent it off today, so hopefully I’ll have an interview soon and it’s not horrible and filled with scarier patients than me. It is in a nice area though.

There’s a girl in here who is possibly the most beautiful person in the world, and she’s really nice. She was here last time I was and has been here as long as me this time. I see her multiple times a day in the dining room but I’m scared she won’t remember me from last time and I dress for comfort in hospital, so I’d look like a vagrant in her presence, hence we haven’t talked this time round. I can’t help but stare, she’s probably caught me and thinks I’m creepy, but really I’m just admiring one of God’s better creations. I want her eyebrows!

Paroxetine = One Murderous Girl

On reviewing this post I find there’s a fair amount of not so passive aggression – sorry. I blame drugs and pent up frustration. Also, the writing sucks, but I’m not trying so I don’t really care.

I am reduced to drinking instant Nescafe decaf coffee as I type. I’m not in a rooibos mood and as sleep has been challenging lately I don’t want to drink real tea or use one of my coffee bags. I’ve been here 33 days and I’m on my third box of 28 pack coffee bags.

I was supposed to be discharged today but as my psychiatrist came to see me last night and caught me in a murderous rage he decided against it. In store is a reduction in my new antidepressant; the agitation, rage, extra suicidal impulses and plotting to destroy the entire world coincided with the dose increase. I think I scared him last night. I told him off, swore a lot and when asked what I’d be feeling as I blew up myself and took the whole world with me I replied that I’d be laughing. Looking back on this I can see why I’m still here.

My three friends in here are all gone. Only one said goodbye, guess I won’t be seeing them again. I struggle so much to make friends and I scare the ones I manage to make away with the whole being a super introvert and having BPD thingy. Also there’s just not enough happy stuff to share, people don’t want to be hearing about all the crap, they want kittens and teddy bears. I have a stat counter on this thing – the happy titled posts get a lot more hits, my happy, shallow facebook comments get more comments. I could say “I just spent the last 5 hours crying, does anyone want to come over for a cup of tea” and no one would reply. But “My cat just chewed right through my knitting yarn” 5 or so comments and a dozen likes. I’m not popular okay – 5 is a lot for me!

One disgusting tasting antibiotic left but the cough persists. I’ve had my annual dose of radiation and then some this year, I hope this doesn’t result in a chest x-ray.

The final ever episode of Dexter has aired and I haven’t been able to watch it because there’s no wifi in here and I’ve almost reached my monthly data limit on my phone. I’m waiting for mum to bring it in but not sure when that will be. Really this season has sucked, but I want to know how it all ends and I refuse to read about it

Questioning what to do with my life – very slowly finish the masters and then do who knows what with it, give up on study and just write something and see where it goes, die? Even if it’s small some part of me wants to live, or I wouldn’t have sought help before this admission or told my nurse yesterday about the perfect hanging point I found in the hospital – it was promptly removed.

I wrote this on Tuesday night:

Tue 24^th September

I found a hanging point in the hospital; tomorrow I will show it to my nurse to hopefully save some other depressed, hopeless soul from using it. I made the noose – they’re bloody hard to get right! I wrote the letter, including passwords to everything. I tested the hanging point and then feared that my cord may not hold my weight and the involuntary thrashing would attract attention before death. Surviving a hanging may result in permanent brain damage – no thanks!

Nine weeks until the family trip to the UK for a month. I am terrified.

Bullets

Little update:

• Possibly going home at weekend. 
• Have chest infection - not tuberculosis as my hyperchondriac side suggested when the blood coughing started.
• Met some lovely people in here. 
• Psychiatrist looking into accommodation options for me.
• New antidepressant seems to be working. 
• Mogadon (sleeping pill) was probably invented by God himself. 
• Been binge eating and learnt tonight I've gained 8kg.
• Uni deferred for semester.
• I know I've had many hospital admissions over the last three years so no one sees them as a big deal now, but I'm feeling pretty uncared for. I've been told off for feeling like this because you all have your own problems and work etc too, I'm just saying it's how I feel. 
• Weirdest dreams of my life in the last fortnight. 
• Knitting lots
• Candy crush is evil
• Still want to die but I don't think I could do that to my mum and I hate her for that. 
• Mogadon kicking in, time to go. 

Hospital Friend Art

Tonight three girls on my unit and I took a canvas each, painted / drew / wrote – etc on it and passed it around, so we each contributed some to each one. They can be connected in any combination by a series of coloured circles in each corner. Here are many pictures. I get to keep the yellow one. Also, I would like to claim credit for the cow with the bee body!