Science and Incense

I understand there was another minor self harm incident this week? How’s the leg? I want you to give me daily one to ten’s on: visual disturbance-self harm; suicidal urges; self harm urges; mood; sleep; general anxiety; and concentration, please.  I see from the nurses’ report that you had a good day yesterday, no, I see. That’s just the depression making you stay in your pyjamas for the whole day and two nights, that’ll get worse next week as you come closer to being Lovan free; the anxiety and OCD will probably worsen too. So, to sum up your medications: we’ve taken you off three and now you’re only on four main psychiatric drugs. My hypothesis may be wrong and we do need you on an SSRI, but that’s when we’ll start looking at TMS, actually I’ll arrange an assessment for you for next Tuesday, these things take time.

Shopping List For You For Me

Flowers

Ice cream with some chocolate percentage

Easy old cheapo computer games

Something to decorate my room (F, I still have yours)

Incense with burner and candle and lighter, or a scented candle will do, I suppose!

You to decorate my room (between the hours of 4pm and 8pm mon to fri or 10am to 8pm sat and sun)

Panadol brand paracetamol – they give us the crappy stuff here and it’s harder than anything else I have to swallow

Anything else nice and lovely to cheer me up – I love presents if you can’t tell

Water

I overdid it a little today, I did the second half of my Christmas shopping and wrapping, plus a few other bits and pieces, in two two hour stints, (I only get two hours leave at a time) followed by a two hour visit with my parents and Rico. This was followed by a very violent night in my head, sadly it didn’t stay there – most of it did I’m very proud to say but a tiny bit got through, the nurses were very helpful and my Dr did a phone order for some extra meds for the night. He wants me to limit my activity for tomorrow, which will be difficult since the day is already full, my night is free so I’ll just argue that I’m doing less than I did today!

I haven’t watched Rage in ages, I think it will be entertaining me tonight for many hours, I’ve had every sedative I’m allowed and I’m still wired, ooo The Panda Band, I haven’t heard from them in years. This is definitely a good time for Rage, Josh Pyke now. Enough about music! My friend R lent me lots of things to keep me entertained and spiritually nourished whilst in here, one of which was a prayer book belonging to her great Aunt, I had a look at it tonight and it seems quite ummm nourishing, she’s bringing me children’s DVDs tomorrow because I can’t focus on adult ones, I love R

Have a Day in my Head

I made it to church on Sunday and am glad I went; I realised I possibly look forward to the coming of Christ more than many others, it means being in the glory of God, but also away from all this shit, we sung a few songs re: let your kingdom come etc and I couldn’t help but think, or just let me die. Is it bad to leave church more suicidal than when you got there?! My report for today is that things are bad and getting worse, my mood is low, but has been lower, the distressing thing is the return of the violent images and compulsion to act on them, this is where being in hospital is important, if I self hard in here I get sectioned and sent to the nearest public hospital with a psych ward, in this case that would be a bad bad thing, also depending on what I did and his own attitude I may get Dr dumped again, no thanks!

I got some writing done yesterday, very little, but some all the same. I moved rooms too, I still don’t have a single room, but I have a double to myself, they’re not expecting anyone in until after Christmas, so it’s mine. Daddy, Rico and I went out for lunch yesterday and R came to visit today, I’m feeling less lonely than last time.

I’m tired now, bed time.

Hospital Admission Number Unicorn

This admission could be seven weeks! I’ve got three weeks to get Lovan (and others) out of me and then I’m probably doing rT.M.S (repetitive transcranial magnetic stimulation), which is a four week inpatient commitment. I’ve given you a link to some info about it; it’s the best I could find that wasn’t overly academic or Wikipedia! I have an annoying roommate at the moment, she sleeps with the TV on and leaves it on all day while she sleeps too, it’s okay though because over the weekend I’m getting a private room, that’ll be a first for me in this hospital. I only got my laptop power cable back from testing this morning and I’ve got my phone up and running as a modem, I’m hoping I can now get some writing done before the withdrawals really start to hit and that the single room will help me to do that, I can’t think with this TV blaring at me.

Come visit me, it gets so lonely here, I can’t write the hospital location on the blog, but facebook or SMS me and I’ll tell you.

Back Again Back Again

After the last two posts it feels wrong to come back saying I’m ill again a little quote “I don’t know how to move on from being acutely sick” – well it seems the answer is, don’t. I got a urgent appointment with my Dr, I’ll see him tomorrow and ask to come off all my meds and try TMS or even ECT, they both work for anxiety as well as depression and it is currently taking seven drugs to poorly control my condition. TMS will mean a 4 week admission plus one weekend a month forever, ECT means 2 to 3 weeks plus a bit of maintenance when I need it, but I’m no Dr and can’t prescribe myself a course of either therapy. I think he’ll want to play around with drugs more, but I’m sick of it and so is my body.

I’m spending the week at my parents’ being looked after, it’s good because I don’t have to do anything but bad for the same reason. At home at least I’d have nice places to walk Rico (he’s with me) and I could go out with friends for coffee, I only have two friends out this way and they work full time, plus I haven’t showered in days and the thought of doing so makes me want to cry, so I don’t think a catch up is really on the cards, actually I have to shower before my outreach worker comes in the morning, it’s something she chases me up about... I would like to die peacefully in my sleep tonight – that is not a suicide threat, just how I feel.

Daddy

My mum says dad hardly drinks to the point of drunkenness anymore, yet every time I come home there he is blind drunk. I don’t know if she lies or if he happens to drink more when I’m around, either way, it’s annoying. He’s not as unpredictable now as in his younger days when you could expect to be hiding from him, listening to your latest offensive name, arguing – or rather trying to stop the arguments and dodging flying crockery. These days he’s confused, tired and mean, but not violent. Last year I got a consolation birthday present because he was drunk on my birthday – a nice pearl necklace, he’s always apologised with presents and money, I’m a bit old for it now but it’s his language. At the moment he’s talking nonsense to my brother.

It's My Party And I'll Eat if I Want to

I had a little birthday gathering today, it was poorly attended, as have all my parties been since birth (except my 21^st which was held very early) due to end of year celebrations, Christmas parties and family gatherings clashing. Still, with over three quarters of my guests missing and the weather being a tad on the cold side I had a nice day. I’m missing church as I write, I had a nap and overslept...

I haven’t written for a while, that’s because I don’t want to bore you with “The Adventures of Rico and K The tale of how a mentally ill girl and her anxious dog navigate life” It would include walks, window frame scratching, rolling in dead birds and both characters sleeping far too much. I still don’t have much to say, but thought I’d record my party. I started taking Seroquel again, it’s already putting weight on me and making me lethargic, my choice is taking an appetite suppressant or stopping the drug; stopping would be annoying because it has lifted my mood further and decreased my anxiety, in my brain I think I’m quite normal with this concoction of drugs (Lovan; Abilify; Epilim; Seroquel; Circadin; and Imovane) but it may be that my body isn’t so happy with it.

It’s an odd experience being well (enough), I don’t want to kill myself anymore, I don’t want to hurt myself anymore, the very thought of doing so scares me. I want to drop this drug weight so I have more energy to physically do things, I want to look like I did a few years ago so I’m not completely repulsive to men; I want a boyfriend so much, I hate being single but there’s a shortage of eligible Christian men, let alone good ones. Sometimes I want M back, it wouldn’t work (and he wouldn’t have me) but I miss the feeling of love, it’s weird, I felt it even though he said he stopped loving me two years before the relationship ended. Maybe what I felt and miss was my own love for him. I gather if you love God as much as you should you’d have a similar feeling, kind of safe and warm, but I’m still getting there. I don’t know how to move on from being acutely sick, I can’t do much with the lethargy, and my anxiety still peaks under pressure, but I fear I might get bored and self sabotage again if left where I am. Next semester I’ll pick up another uni subject, that should help, one online subject isn’t much to keep me occupied, two on campus should help my dilemma. I’ve volunteered my services to Mind Australia to be the person I wish I had in the depths of my illness to someone else – a person to say it doesn’t go on forever and with patience you can come out the other side. I just hope I stay on this side; there are many middle aged and elderly people in the hospitals, apparently you don’t stay well forever either (I might not tell the people I work with that bit).

The Sleeping Giant and The Restless Girl

Circadin; Mogadon; Imovane; these should make a giant sleep through the night. Not me! I thought it was getting better, instead it’s 4:45am and I’ve already had breakfast and a pretty amazing hot chocolate, watched an episode or two of The Simpsons, and read a few news articles. I had three good nights and thought maybe we’d cracked it, this could mean a big medication change, Dr and I discussed it on Wednesday and if I can’t sleep on these meds the next option is to change my antipsychotic back to Seroquel (the fat drug) and add a appetite suppressant, there is another drug option, I forget its name. I’m so sick of this, I want to be well enough to get through uni at a decent pace and establish some sort of paid career; I don’t want to be in a share house forever. (Oh good news, I got a new house mate and she’s lovely). Hopefully I’ll get more sleep this morning, maybe in a few hours I’ll doze off on the couch, or I might give bed another shot, right now I’m really wired.

Cancer Not so Gone

My dad’s Dr’s disagreed about whether or not the advanced part of his cancer had gone, since it didn’t show up in the MRI – so he got a second opinion from the urology guru of the Eastern suburbs, he agreed with the urology guru of the Western suburbs, and not the oncologist – who had the more positive view. This leaves my dad back with a 5-10 year life span; I guess I’d better pop out a kid soon so he can meet it. Sorry to those of you who have, or are losing loved ones through cancer, I’m sure the way I talk about it seems harsh; I do feel for my dad, but it’s complex when there’s abuse involved. If you’re the praying type, healing would be great, but a huge immediate need is stress, it’ll kill him before the cancer!

I’m not ok at the moment; circumstance, chemistry or both, I don’t know. I wish

I had a friend glued to my side for company and to stop me doing dumb things. 

Saturday Thoughts

Barbara’s funeral was on Thursday, it was a nice service, with a lot of people there – many of them very old. I cried all the way through and a bit more at the end, it felt right and good to get the tears out. As I was about to leave a lady approached me, put her hand on my back and said “I just really felt like I should talk to you, I wonder if you could be one of the people Barbara asked me to pray for”. I gave her my name and yes, there was some sort of connection between us, Barbara and hospital A (who banned me). She is part of a evangelical mental health support group and gave me her details in case I want to have coffee, it’s interesting because my friend and I were thinking of doing something similar at our church, it could be good to hear what they do.

In other news: insomnia sucks, I woke at 4 this morning, got up eventually and watched an episode of House, hoping it would make me tired, nope! I went back to bed at 7 and got up at 11, I don’t know how much sleep I got in-between. I haven’t been very well for a few days, I’m kind of faking wellness to my parents, I’m sure it’s the sleep trouble and grief. I had a genuinely good time last night playing board games with some friends and a semi stranger who is a bit less strange now. I didn’t win, but I only just came second in both games, so I feel quite satisfied.

I’ve started drawing a play, I’ve never started the process visually before, it’s proving interesting.

Death and Hormones

Barbara’s death is slowly hitting me, people are posting photos and videos of her on facebook, that’s hard, but I look at them because I imagine her account will eventually be closed and I may never see her image again.

I’m not well today, and I can’t tell my mum who is just in the next room, because I really want to go home on Wednesday. I love having my own space, and I think how I feel is partly hormonal, even on the pill, the few days on the sugar tablets are bad; that combined with the Lovan reduction isn’t going to be helping me.

I want to start a small theatre company, it’s been my dream since I was 14 and I’m now giving it some serious thought. I write well, I act well and I direct very well; I just need a bunch of other people to join me and probably money etc.

So I do and don't have BPD. Here's a Video.

You can watch it here:
http://vimeo.com/14791869

Borderline Personality Disorder http://vimeo.com/14791869 About this video: "Created by: Ofir Sasson, 2010"

The Battle is Over

I don’t feel like writing this blog anymore, that’s not to say I will stop, I just haven’t felt the inclination; I haven’t felt the inclination to do anything, though.

I am currently in hospital for admission number 10, I’m bored, I was doing really well but then my new med stopped working so well, then yesterday I learned of the suicide of my friend Barbara – you’ll know her as B or Babz, she was the last person to comment on this blog, and probably the one who has the most. Barbara had severe borderline personality disorder with a few extras thrown in. We stopped seeing each other in person because I felt she was a bad influence on me, I could see this coming so didn’t want to be too close to her, that was in March (we had a couple of visits since then). I now regret that decision, she needed more friends, I need more friends – we could have been the solution to each others’ problem, or maybe things would be exactly the same but now I’d be much more upset.

Barbara was extremely smart, kind and considerate, and fighting a very hard battle, a weaker soul would have lost it many years ago. I’ve experienced just a taste of what she’s been through and I’m impressed she could get out of the house, let alone attempt normal life activities. She was strong and I will miss her even though our relationship was mostly online.

I was supposed to see my Dr 45 minutes ago to find out when I’m leaving in light of the Barbara situation and drug problems; it was supposed to be tomorrow, but I don’t think so! I’m thinking of coming off Lovan (antidepressant) and staying on Abilify (new antidepressant and other things too) because the combination is a great way to turn you into an insomniac and Lovan is supposedly bad for me anyway.

I’ll try and write again soon.

K

Too Many Pets

I had the best dream last night; Rico, although he’s sterilised had a puppy, we never saw the mother, but it was his puppy. My brother came to visit me in hospital and brought heaps of stuff like he was running away, little of it was in suitcases, just mounds. Out of the corner of my eye I saw something in this mountainous pile move; I went over to inspect and found a very very young kitten, it was identical to my parents (also de-sexed) cat, Fiz (I bought her, I didn’t name her), I held the little thing in my hand, one hand was ample size and then I saw more movement. It appeared Fiz had had a huge litter and like any wise mother of 20 decided to abandon them in my brother’s clothes, but not without providing food, for there were many, many mice in there too and just to add to the fun a single guinea pig and Rico’s puppy. Rico had clearly not mated with a fellow cocker spaniel, but it was a cute and happy thing just like him.

That’s the mildest and most fuzzy dream I’ve had in ages, I probably had it because I really miss Rico and I found out yesterday that I’m going to be away from him longer than expected... I’m being transferred to the hospital my last admission was in so they can supervise my Abilify increase, and also keep an eye on some colourful thoughts

I’ve been having. I hope it’s not a long admission.

Not The End

I suppose someday my readers will stumble upon this whilst deleting their browsing history, and they will wonder “what the hell is onereclusivegirl?” and then they will see the labels on the right and remember this blog belonged to a depressed, anxious, borderline, OCD, slightly psychotic, whoops not borderline anymore, girl. She wrote here instead of letting the thoughts eat her alive.

Facebook no longer provides a means to post anything (a link for example) without excluding others from seeing it. I can’t risk my family, or future employers getting their hands on this blog. There will be no more facebook posts, but if you bookmark this you might get a new post here from time to time.

A little update,

I’m on a new drug, Abilify, so far it’s making me nauseous and has caused some visual disturbances. This OCD course isn’t quite right for me, but I am learning. None of my friends live around here, but a SMS or phone call would have been lovely, I’ve had one friend visitor and my parents and dog. It was like this last time too, I just feel out of sight out of mind when in hospital – and a lot of other times if I’m honest. My phone just beeped, the SMS tone and the battery full tone are the same, I just got excited over a full battery... Forgive me while I go and cry in a corner now.

Day Four of Visit Nine

Today I touched some dirty things and then ate a biscuit without washing my hands first. I didn’t like it.

This hospital is reasonably nice, private room and bathroom, it’s comfortable. The dining room is being renovated, so our meals are brought up to the ward, this means cold toast in the morning! Visitors are welcome, the hours are limited, but we can make it work.

I withdrew from my uni subject a few days ago, I feel like my creative ability has been stolen and there’s no way I can write a full length (good) play at the moment.

Could someone let me know if the facebook status “new post” I leave about this blog shows up on the ticker? I can’t post the link anymore because I’m afraid anyone can see it in the ticker, but if I don’t post the link people will stop coming.

Admission # 9

On Sunday I went for an interview at the hospital running the OCD program, I was told that I might get in the one starting at the end of October, but definitely the December one failing that. Then yesterday I got a call saying “We’ve had someone pull out of the next group, can you come in on Saturday!” So with little time to prepare myself for it I’m off to hospital for my 9^th admission. This time is different, it’s not a crisis admission, but rather a course to teach me (and 7 others) CBT skills for eight hours a day. I don’t really feel like my OCD is bad enough to be doing this program, Lovan takes care of it very well, and I wonder if I should have come off it before the admission so they can see me at my worst. Then I can learn skills to help with the worst, but maybe it will be easier to learn if I’m not distressed. Rico has been amazing lately, the drugs and routine have worked well, I can now leave him inside when I go out without worrying, he doesn’t pound on the window as I walk away and he isn’t so enthusiastic when I get home that he could knock me over. I hope the two week holiday at my parents’ doesn’t send him back to square one.

Word Stew

My vision has returned enough to be going on with daily life, but I still have to strain to see up close, and I have to rest my eyes frequently. I’m now completely off Zeldox and Cogentin, so far it doesn’t seem like I’ll need a replacement, I’m actually fine! I wonder if I might be coming to the end of all this, the prospect scares me, because if I’m well then it means I’ve got no excuse not to be working and studying hard. I worked two days this week and I was watching the clock from the moment I arrived, I need work I find interesting and challenging but I won’t find it unless I keep doing well at uni, which I won’t finish for another 7.5 years if my study load doesn’t increase. I’m already thinking of dropping my one and only subject for this semester, the eye thing set me back two weeks, I have no creative energy and deadlines are flying by...

A Little Catch up

I haven’t posted for a while because the new medication gave me very blurred near vision, it’s slowly improving since I stopped taking it, I can see well enough to type now, but it hurts to focus on anything close for too long (long being a few seconds). I haven’t done any uni work because I can’t read and I’m getting behind which is giving me more stress than I need when I have a drug change coming up – since the drug to treat the side effects gave me worse side effects, that means I have to come off the first one too. The drug I have to come off is the anti-psychotic, it has been the one getting rid of the graphic violent urges, just reducing the dose isn’t an option because I feel like I need a higher dose to maintain where I am now, now is far from perfect, but still quite good.

On Monday and Tuesday of next week I will be working for the first time in 22 months! I agreed a while ago to be the emergency barista for a not so local cafe. I was offered  a proper job but with my health so up and down I’d make a very unreliable employee – plus I have no desire to work in hospitality; as much as I love sending out a great coffee, it is just coffee and I’m terrible with customers. I hope this will be a coffee only arrangement and I don’t have to talk to people, also that I don’t have to carry the coffees out, my hands are so shaky – I probably should have mentioned that before accepting the shifts. I have five days to change my mind, this feels like a really bad idea, they’re 7 hour shifts, that’s long when you’re only just dipping your toe back in the water, but maybe being out there doing stuff will be good for me.

Benzlakinjordhadinturpproptropine

I’m starting a new drug tonight for the tremors, I don’t know anything about it because it wasn’t discussed in the consult last week, and I can’t find much useful information in this wonderful web. Here’s to more side effects; oh I hope not.