One Helicopter Please

Every time I hear a little bang, or some noise which is out of place I think there’s an earthquake about to start, it’s becoming a legitimate fear. I’ve never been in an earthquake, I don’t really count those two little tremors we had a few years ago because they did zero damage, they really scared the cat though! There’s a door which keeps banging near my room, it’s distressing me...

I’m only really writing this update because I was asked to, I’m very depressed at the moment, so lacking in energy to do anything. I can’t write, can’t focus on conversations, I get no joy out of watching anything, so I sleep to escape it all. It’s currently 7:20, at 8:00 I can have my medication and sleeping pills and all this will go away. I wonder if TMS might start to help soon, today was the first time I’ve experienced a headache related to it, until now it’s just been irritating during the treatment and then nothing afterwards – actually a few nights ago there was a muscle spasm in my neck, but that could be anything.

Quibble is a Nice Word

I’m writing again, properly, it feels good. Today’s grammar quibble is wonder / wander, I’m waiting for my very slow internet connection to tell me which I need, ok it’s wonder! It wasn’t a simple sentence though! I’m adapting one of my longer blog posts to be a short story, fictioning it up a bit and making it a lot more anonymous since it will be read my prof.

I don’t have a lot to tell you from in here, I’m bored as hell so please come visit, I can leave any time of day, and have coffee with you just come, come , come; is that desperate enough? 

An Article on TMS and ECT

An article my mum found, I know the source is awful, but I'm not in the habit of hiding my sources out of shame

http://au.news.yahoo.com/today-tonight/latest/article/-/34838/dealing-with-depression/

With one in five Australians suffering from depression at some time in their lives, solving the problem has become an urgent and often overpowering demand.

Beryl Taylor and Linda Ballard have both had their lives upset by the crevice of depression.

"The world became a very lonely and isolated place," said Linda.

Sure modern anti-depressants have made a huge difference, but sometimes they are not enough to lift the black cloud and let in the light.

Trans-cranial magnetic stimulation (TMS) is the latest technique to ease the distress. It looks out of this world but it has dramatic effects.

It works by settling the neurotransmitters in the brain, which increase hormonal levels and ease depression.

Colleen Lo, psychiatrist at Sydney's Prince of Wales Hospital says that stimulation increases blood supply to underused parts of the brain.

"We place a powerful magnet onto the scalp and it stimulates the surface of the brain," Colleen said. "The increased blood supply reflects increased nerve activity. We think this might work in the circuits that modulate mood."

Linda Ballard is happy with the treatment.

"It just means I get my emotions back, I begin to feel things, good things and bad things, the colour comes back," Linda said.

"It's like you've been watching a black and white movie and you just focus it and the colour comes back and the picture becomes clear."

For someone who described life during the bouts of depression as dull and grey, feeling like this after using TMS is a giant leap for Linda Thompson.

"It's a very convenient treatment to have, your in the hospital for maybe 30 minutes and then you can walk out again, there's no anaesthetic," Linda said.

And that's just what people with moderate to severe depression like about TMS - no pain, lots of gain.

At 71-years-old, Beryl Thompson felt her antidepressants weren't helping the depression that had plagued her for 10 years, so she jumped at the chance of getting involved in the a trial for TMS.

Soon after the treatment Beryl was diagnosed with colon cancer. She believes without the TMS this news would have sent her into the depths of depression.

TMS is still in its infancy, but the early results are very positive. But one of the older forms of treatment, electro-convulsive therapy (ECT) is now also producing outstanding results.

It's enough to send shivers down our spine but the truth is modern ECT is both a safe and sophisticated affair when it's used in severe depression or in psychological illness. It improves well-being, it makes people feel better but more importantly ECT saves lives.

ECT treatments today involve no jarring movements, no shocks that rack the body. As Psychiatrist Phillip Mitchell describes, ECT has come a long way.

"It was a very old fashion type of ECT, it was unmodified, patients didn't have an anaesthetic, ECT has progressed a long way since then," Dr Mitchell said.

"Now we know the electrical dose that will work for the individual patient, the other advance is that it is a much safer procedure, we are monitoring the heart rate, monitoring the oxygen levels in the blood."

Sharon was so depressed she totally withdrew from life. She became catatonic, she'd tried everything from counselling to serious medication but nothing worked.

Finally ECT was suggested, she backed away because of the stigma attached but eventually out of sheer desperation Sharon tried it. Today her life has turned around and she now counsels people suffering depression.

While TMS and ECT aren't cures for depression they're certainly helping Australians.

TMS

The TMS assessment went well; the prof was very easy to talk to, he was familiar with my case – a relief to not have to tell my entire history – and we decided to go ahead with it. First we had to find the right dose; this is done by placing the coil on the head just behind the treatment area, as it is turned up the hand on the opposite side begins to twitch, when the twitching happens you’ve got your dose! I felt like I was moving it my-self, staying relaxed was hard. He then found the area on my head the coil needed to be for treatment and marked it with a lovely red marker and sent me away for 45 minutes until my appointment.

The treatment its self was a little uncomfortable, more so the set up than the procedure. The magnet is heavy and they have to get it in just the right place resting on your head with a stand to keep it in place, my head was on a weird angle (but on a nice chair) and I was wearing ear plugs whilst they were shouting instructions at me. I watched Cowboy Bebop whilst they fussed around me; and then the treatment started... Imagine someone poking you just above and behind the temple quite hard, and then an involuntary muscular movement going down your face and forehead a few times a second, well that’s what it is like but there’s no poke, it’s just the magnet doing its thing!

Anyway I feel fine, still not actually fine, but you know, my head isn’t about to blow up.

Russian Pillow

My temporary doctor just came in and had a lovely chat with me; she’s easy to get along with and I like that she takes notes in her head rather than having a file sitting between us. I think I prefer her to my normal doctor, but he has helped me so much and I really  can’t justify swapping, plus I don’t know if she’s taking new patients. One may think he hasn’t helped me that much if I’m sitting here, suicidal back where I was seven months ago, but I have come a long way, even with this regression taken into account.

I didn’t write today – not properly anyway – I spent the day in bed hugging my pillow and listening to Russian liturgical chants, they’re very relaxing, my new friend M put me onto them, I suggest you find some online if you need help relaxing or sleeping. It helps that I don’t have a clue what they’re saying so I’m not trying to analyse it. 

Hole in my Heart

I feel that the quality of my writing is lacking, I’m in the middle of a short story for uni, and I’m struggling to write posts on here which are any more than just a journal entry. My journal entries may be a little different to most peoples, but they are nonetheless an account of what’s been happening to me and me alone. I wrote a little more of my story today despite it being my first day back in hospital, I suppose that’s something to be proud of. My admission went well, they already knew about Friday night’s incident, that didn’t prevent me having to retell it to my admitting nurse, my fill in doctor and my evening nurse. Today I hate everyone who loves me, because I want to die without leaving any pain behind. I think of my family, of R, K, C, L and other friends and feel guilty even though I haven’t done anything yet; my fill in doctor says that’s good, I just feel angry and want them to go away, but then I don’t want them to go because I love them.

Writing this actually made me cry, I can’t remember the last time I did that, I don’t do that!

Come visit me, I’m staying even if they don’t do TMS.

Daddy

So I took the valium and a few other things, not all of it, just enough to warrant a trip to ED and monitoring for six hours; as a result I'm going back to hospital in the morning (Sunday) instead of Monday. I feel really shit and to add to it my dad suggested that I took the pills to give my self a higher chance of having TMS, ummm no! I took them to escape for a while and it didn't work

Mac Valium Monday

This is the first post written from my lovely macbook pro which I got for my birthday in December, I've not used it much because I haven't been around 'real' internet connections long enough to install everything needed to make it go, eg - open office. I'm still using chrome as my web browser, so I guess I've still got a way to go before I leave PC land, well I've got a long way to go, this thing confuses me, I get lost and then I remember that mac's are easy and whatever I need should be in front of me and there it is!

Tonight has been pretty crappy in my head, I found my dad's valium stash – not that it was hidden, I just went looking for it and to my delight the box is full. I only have to behave until Monday morning when I'm readmitted, I don't know what to do until then though, everything's boring, I just want to die, it's tempting to take the valium and the drugs I have stashed so I can sleep until Monday, it wouldn't be a lethal dose, just a strong one.

I lost a kilo this week, it doesn't make up for the 500 I've gained over the last two years, but at least it's in the right direction, it was hard work and I have to keep it up for 30 more kilos, one lesson learned is that no matter how hot it is outside a milkshake is a poor substitute for coffee.

I'm going to take Rico for a walk now, there's no valium out there...

Fear

The last few nights I’ve been gripped by an unreasonable fear, only at night and never about anything. I just feel scared.

I’m home now (well parents’ home) and I get to stay out of hospital until the 30^th, not the 24^th as previously thought. I’ve had my sleeping meds, it’s bed time.

Goodnight. 

Last Night Drinks

I now have a different hair colour. My Dr walked in while I was in the middle of doing it, I had to tell him to come back, he came back only 15 minutes later so we had to chat in my room with the dye still in my hair. It was a good chat and resulted in my discharge being brought forward by one day. I’ll see him at 9 tomorrow morning and if all is well I’ll leave at 10! My new friend, M, and I are about to go out for last night drinks (read milkshake). I’m still apprehensive about going home, but I need to get out of here even if it is only for six days, that said if I feel then how I do now I won’t qualify for TMS and I’ll be free to go. I don’t have anything else to say except to complain about the weather like everyone else, my room is nice and cool.

Home Again (Soon)

It looks like Thursday will be home day, I’ll get to stay there for an entire five days before coming back for the TMS assessment; if they deem it appropriate for me I’ll be readmitted immediately - or so I’ve been led to believe. I’m very ready to get out of here, but not so ready to go home, church was a bit difficult tonight, I felt crowded in a half full building and the drive was awful I wanted to blow up the other cars on the road – thankfully I was only the passenger.

This admission still feels like it achieved little in a very long time, but I am experiencing fewer violent thoughts than when I arrived and my mood is generally better, plus I’m on fewer drugs. I think I made a friend! I don’t do too well at that usually so I’m kind of stoked! You meet great people in hospital, it sucks that you’re both sick, but you get each other like no one else can, and that is such a blessing. 

A Tiny Update

My TSM assessment was supposed to be today, I now have to wait about two weeks thanks to my Dr forgetting to give me some paperwork to fill in and the Prof in charge of TMS going on leave after today. I have to be discharged for eight days before coming back in for TMS (if I'm deemed right for it), so that should mean I have just under a week left in here before going home for those eight days, I can’t go home now because drugs are still changing and I’m not doing too well.

Regression

This admission feels like it’s going nowhere, but that’s not true. I’ve come off Lovan – the big hurdle – and a couple of other drugs, started a new drug and increased the dose of another one; I now await my TMS assessment, which should be on Tuesday. There was a family meeting tonight, hearing my Dr talking about me rather than to me felt uncomfortable, I don’t think he has high hopes for me, he thinks I might have to be happy with being bearably better, able to manage but not necessarily able to live the life I want; I’m probably twisting his words, but that’s what I heard... I think I’m back to where I was a few months ago, staying alive for the sake of others, not because I have anything I really want to live for. I need to find a reason to live, not just reasons to not die; I can’t even choose really shallow stuff like travel because I’m stuck on the disability pension and seriously doubt I could work, so no money for me! Even really ugly people seem to be able to get married and have a family, I’m not ugly, just fat and sick, but no one seems interested in me, let alone Mr Right. I lack serious talent, I’m not going to change the world – why the fuck am I here, and why do I have to feel so bad? Simple Christian answer is to bring glory to God – HOW!?

Science and Incense

I understand there was another minor self harm incident this week? How’s the leg? I want you to give me daily one to ten’s on: visual disturbance-self harm; suicidal urges; self harm urges; mood; sleep; general anxiety; and concentration, please.  I see from the nurses’ report that you had a good day yesterday, no, I see. That’s just the depression making you stay in your pyjamas for the whole day and two nights, that’ll get worse next week as you come closer to being Lovan free; the anxiety and OCD will probably worsen too. So, to sum up your medications: we’ve taken you off three and now you’re only on four main psychiatric drugs. My hypothesis may be wrong and we do need you on an SSRI, but that’s when we’ll start looking at TMS, actually I’ll arrange an assessment for you for next Tuesday, these things take time.

Shopping List For You For Me

Flowers

Ice cream with some chocolate percentage

Easy old cheapo computer games

Something to decorate my room (F, I still have yours)

Incense with burner and candle and lighter, or a scented candle will do, I suppose!

You to decorate my room (between the hours of 4pm and 8pm mon to fri or 10am to 8pm sat and sun)

Panadol brand paracetamol – they give us the crappy stuff here and it’s harder than anything else I have to swallow

Anything else nice and lovely to cheer me up – I love presents if you can’t tell

Water

I overdid it a little today, I did the second half of my Christmas shopping and wrapping, plus a few other bits and pieces, in two two hour stints, (I only get two hours leave at a time) followed by a two hour visit with my parents and Rico. This was followed by a very violent night in my head, sadly it didn’t stay there – most of it did I’m very proud to say but a tiny bit got through, the nurses were very helpful and my Dr did a phone order for some extra meds for the night. He wants me to limit my activity for tomorrow, which will be difficult since the day is already full, my night is free so I’ll just argue that I’m doing less than I did today!

I haven’t watched Rage in ages, I think it will be entertaining me tonight for many hours, I’ve had every sedative I’m allowed and I’m still wired, ooo The Panda Band, I haven’t heard from them in years. This is definitely a good time for Rage, Josh Pyke now. Enough about music! My friend R lent me lots of things to keep me entertained and spiritually nourished whilst in here, one of which was a prayer book belonging to her great Aunt, I had a look at it tonight and it seems quite ummm nourishing, she’s bringing me children’s DVDs tomorrow because I can’t focus on adult ones, I love R

Have a Day in my Head

I made it to church on Sunday and am glad I went; I realised I possibly look forward to the coming of Christ more than many others, it means being in the glory of God, but also away from all this shit, we sung a few songs re: let your kingdom come etc and I couldn’t help but think, or just let me die. Is it bad to leave church more suicidal than when you got there?! My report for today is that things are bad and getting worse, my mood is low, but has been lower, the distressing thing is the return of the violent images and compulsion to act on them, this is where being in hospital is important, if I self hard in here I get sectioned and sent to the nearest public hospital with a psych ward, in this case that would be a bad bad thing, also depending on what I did and his own attitude I may get Dr dumped again, no thanks!

I got some writing done yesterday, very little, but some all the same. I moved rooms too, I still don’t have a single room, but I have a double to myself, they’re not expecting anyone in until after Christmas, so it’s mine. Daddy, Rico and I went out for lunch yesterday and R came to visit today, I’m feeling less lonely than last time.

I’m tired now, bed time.

Hospital Admission Number Unicorn

This admission could be seven weeks! I’ve got three weeks to get Lovan (and others) out of me and then I’m probably doing rT.M.S (repetitive transcranial magnetic stimulation), which is a four week inpatient commitment. I’ve given you a link to some info about it; it’s the best I could find that wasn’t overly academic or Wikipedia! I have an annoying roommate at the moment, she sleeps with the TV on and leaves it on all day while she sleeps too, it’s okay though because over the weekend I’m getting a private room, that’ll be a first for me in this hospital. I only got my laptop power cable back from testing this morning and I’ve got my phone up and running as a modem, I’m hoping I can now get some writing done before the withdrawals really start to hit and that the single room will help me to do that, I can’t think with this TV blaring at me.

Come visit me, it gets so lonely here, I can’t write the hospital location on the blog, but facebook or SMS me and I’ll tell you.

Back Again Back Again

After the last two posts it feels wrong to come back saying I’m ill again a little quote “I don’t know how to move on from being acutely sick” – well it seems the answer is, don’t. I got a urgent appointment with my Dr, I’ll see him tomorrow and ask to come off all my meds and try TMS or even ECT, they both work for anxiety as well as depression and it is currently taking seven drugs to poorly control my condition. TMS will mean a 4 week admission plus one weekend a month forever, ECT means 2 to 3 weeks plus a bit of maintenance when I need it, but I’m no Dr and can’t prescribe myself a course of either therapy. I think he’ll want to play around with drugs more, but I’m sick of it and so is my body.

I’m spending the week at my parents’ being looked after, it’s good because I don’t have to do anything but bad for the same reason. At home at least I’d have nice places to walk Rico (he’s with me) and I could go out with friends for coffee, I only have two friends out this way and they work full time, plus I haven’t showered in days and the thought of doing so makes me want to cry, so I don’t think a catch up is really on the cards, actually I have to shower before my outreach worker comes in the morning, it’s something she chases me up about... I would like to die peacefully in my sleep tonight – that is not a suicide threat, just how I feel.

Daddy

My mum says dad hardly drinks to the point of drunkenness anymore, yet every time I come home there he is blind drunk. I don’t know if she lies or if he happens to drink more when I’m around, either way, it’s annoying. He’s not as unpredictable now as in his younger days when you could expect to be hiding from him, listening to your latest offensive name, arguing – or rather trying to stop the arguments and dodging flying crockery. These days he’s confused, tired and mean, but not violent. Last year I got a consolation birthday present because he was drunk on my birthday – a nice pearl necklace, he’s always apologised with presents and money, I’m a bit old for it now but it’s his language. At the moment he’s talking nonsense to my brother.

It's My Party And I'll Eat if I Want to

I had a little birthday gathering today, it was poorly attended, as have all my parties been since birth (except my 21^st which was held very early) due to end of year celebrations, Christmas parties and family gatherings clashing. Still, with over three quarters of my guests missing and the weather being a tad on the cold side I had a nice day. I’m missing church as I write, I had a nap and overslept...

I haven’t written for a while, that’s because I don’t want to bore you with “The Adventures of Rico and K The tale of how a mentally ill girl and her anxious dog navigate life” It would include walks, window frame scratching, rolling in dead birds and both characters sleeping far too much. I still don’t have much to say, but thought I’d record my party. I started taking Seroquel again, it’s already putting weight on me and making me lethargic, my choice is taking an appetite suppressant or stopping the drug; stopping would be annoying because it has lifted my mood further and decreased my anxiety, in my brain I think I’m quite normal with this concoction of drugs (Lovan; Abilify; Epilim; Seroquel; Circadin; and Imovane) but it may be that my body isn’t so happy with it.

It’s an odd experience being well (enough), I don’t want to kill myself anymore, I don’t want to hurt myself anymore, the very thought of doing so scares me. I want to drop this drug weight so I have more energy to physically do things, I want to look like I did a few years ago so I’m not completely repulsive to men; I want a boyfriend so much, I hate being single but there’s a shortage of eligible Christian men, let alone good ones. Sometimes I want M back, it wouldn’t work (and he wouldn’t have me) but I miss the feeling of love, it’s weird, I felt it even though he said he stopped loving me two years before the relationship ended. Maybe what I felt and miss was my own love for him. I gather if you love God as much as you should you’d have a similar feeling, kind of safe and warm, but I’m still getting there. I don’t know how to move on from being acutely sick, I can’t do much with the lethargy, and my anxiety still peaks under pressure, but I fear I might get bored and self sabotage again if left where I am. Next semester I’ll pick up another uni subject, that should help, one online subject isn’t much to keep me occupied, two on campus should help my dilemma. I’ve volunteered my services to Mind Australia to be the person I wish I had in the depths of my illness to someone else – a person to say it doesn’t go on forever and with patience you can come out the other side. I just hope I stay on this side; there are many middle aged and elderly people in the hospitals, apparently you don’t stay well forever either (I might not tell the people I work with that bit).