Don't Ever Let me Have a Credit Card

I bought Portal 2 today but my mobile broadband connection is too crappy to do the Steam update required to play it; I might be desperate enough to catch three types of public transport each way to my house and back so I can have good internet for a few hours, though I’ll probably be travelling longer than I’m home. There are a great number of shops near the hospital, I’ve spent a lot of money since I’ve been here, I’ve bought more clothes this week than I have all year, so I’m going to try and limit myself to one new pair of jeans, some tights, a few gifts and lots of coffee.

Yesterday was the worst day I’ve had in awhile, I requested the removal of my leave early in the morning because I didn’t trust myself and spent the day trying not to bite chunks out of my arm. I had two visitors, who I put on a pretty good act for, I told them it was a bad day but no matter how close the friend I don’t breakdown in front of people. Psych gave me my leave back because so long as I don’t jump in front of a truck it’s better for me to have some independence. I had my first dose of Clonazepam today and it worked, without making me drowsy; Valdoxan won’t start until Friday, and I wonder if I got the name wrong, the info I’ve found online doesn’t come close to what my psych said.

Art is going well, I’ve been every day but one, my first piece is almost finished and I made a start on the second tonight whilst waiting for a layer of paint to dry on the first. I didn’t like the first one until yesterday when it lost its adolescent appearance.

Weeks

I’m getting two new drugs, one of which (Valdoxan) is fairly new and I’m not sure I want it; the other is Clonazepam, which I hope will work, it’s a benzodiazepine and I have a great tolerance to them. This is not going to be a short admission; psych doesn’t want to introduce all the drugs at once, it’ll be about three weeks at a minimum. Rico is going to hate me, he’s staying with my parents and they aren’t home during the day, he gets lonely.

We Are All Planning Your Torture

Wow! I know a number of people with BPD including (probably) myself; I don't think any of us are capable, let alone inclined to torturing people. I hope the combination of exhaustion and feeling really shitty has made me misread this article; if not you'd better stay away, I might cut off 1cm of your body every minute starting from the toes, deep fry them and make you eat it as you bleed to death.

I just found the beginnings of a blog post I wrote on Thursday, I forgot I’d written it, but it’s rather funny so I have to share it with you – I have not edited it, I really was this drugged!

“I seen in double after taking epilm, I find it best to shut the left eye and put my trust in mr right

I”m very drugged at the moment, can’t sacta;;u see kneybosrd. The sort ofg mood where  would dwell in my furtue,, bieh the fantasy one and the one hsih will probblyt ha[[en. I ant  to diw”

Coffee for me Tomorrow

Very short psych consult tonight, no changes for now, I think he wrote up a new sedative for me. I now have leave, so I won’t be as bored from tomorrow, I have to behave myself whilst out and not bring back any contraband; getting banned from a second hospital is not on my priority list! I’m sleeping better, six hours last night and a nap this afternoon – probably a bad idea, but eh. Art was good this morning; it’s open studio, so you come and go as you please over a period of three hours and do whatever you want; I’m making a canvas monster. No visitors today, but I was too grumpy to entertain anyway, of course everyone is coming tomorrow!

Epilim

My psychiatrist came to see me at 9.30 last night and spent over an hour with me, he's not convinced I have borderline (whispers yippee) he can't be sure yet, an hour isn't enough to totally rule something like that out. He started me on a mood stabiliser called Epilim and a stronger dose of stilnox; I slept 8 hours last night! I was very dizzy for a few hours this morning, that was probably the epilim, I actually had to hold on to stuff to walk. My roomie is good company, I think I'm actually glad I'm sharing. I tend to hide in my room in hospitals and as a result hardly talk to anyone. She's a science geek - like a dr type, but she's worked as a lecturer, which gives us something to talk about since I'm hoping to start some sessional work next year. She's leaving on Sunday, hopefully her replacement is nice too. My guess is I'll be at least a week here, to give the drug change time to kick in, longer if he decides to change the antidepressant - which he's thinking about. Come visit! I'm not allowed out yet and it's boring, I'll go to art tomorrow though, I forgot this morning and they don't let you in late.

I'm in

After a morning of many phone calls I learnt that I was accepted by a psych yesterday, she had an appointment available this afternoon and was able to admit me right away. I'm in a private hospital but shared room, roomie seems nice. The food here is terrible, hopefully I'll leave a few kg lighter! I'm very tied and flat, but for the first time in weeks I feel somewhat safe. I won't have my laptop until tomorrow so am limited to posting from my phone. Sms if you'd like to visit, or pm through facebook, I won't be posting the name of the hospital on here.

Four Frikkin Thirty AM

There are currently no public psych beds available anywhere in Victoria! I spoke with CAT tonight and they would have admitted me, but no room, they already had four or five people sitting in various emergency departments crossing all their digits for a bed. I have to call a private hospital which wasn’t on my “go to” list at 9am to see if their resident psych can admit me. It’s getting a little ridiculous; I am very well insured, surely someone wants my fund’s money?  I can’t stop fidgeting, my heart is racing and irregular, I can’t sleep despite six hours of trying. I might just kill time until 9am rolls around, make the call and then try again at this sleep thing. I spent the last two hours (in bed on my phone) researching either purchasing or hiring a spiral staircase so I can stage my play, the problem is - being a short - we’d need to strike the set very quickly for the next piece to come on, or set up very quickly if we were last (or both if we’re not first or last), the staircase might be problematic, and since it’s called “The Stairs” and they are integral I don’t think ditching them is an option. This might have to be one that stays on paper – Unless I make it a full play, but I think this is right at its current length.

I wish sedatives still worked on me without having to resort to dangerous doses.

Misery Bear

I just discovered Misery Bear, it's gold, you have to watch it!
http://www.miserybear.com/films.html

Doctor Whore

I can’t start writing a blog post until I have  a title; often I go back and change the title, there just has to be something there before I can write. Today’s starter title is Hgjhgjgh – the first few letters my hands pummelled blindly on the keyboard. This will be the last post I advertise on Facebook for a while, a friend and I are having a Facebook rest together, so if you want to keep reading this you’ll have to follow or check it every so often.

Two years ago I started having dreams and a few days later something from one of the dreams would happen; A few examples: I went to my old chiropractor in a dream and it had turned into a huge super clinic, in reality I dropped in a week or so later to pick up some x-rays and it had changed significantly. In another dream Krispy Kreme was going out of business, the next day The Age documented their economic downfall and multiple store closures. Dad smoking an electronic cigarette, the next day an article about battery powered cigarettes to help people quit.  And this beauty two nights ago; attending a seminar in a very large auditorium, I took my seat but didn’t realise until it was too late to move that my chair was a good 60cm higher than all the others. Luckily the people either side of me were quite tall, so I didn’t stand out too much, but then they left and everyone else was down by my waist, I felt awkward. Last night in church I was wearing boots with a little heel, usually that’s not a problem because I’m not exactly a giant, but short people sat either side of me, no problem when were seated, but when we stood I was the tallest in the row and didn’t like it. I don’t believe I can dream the future, but I think my subconscious gleans little bits of information and gives them to me in dream form, scary at first, now amusing.

GP again today, as I expected all the scans and x-rays were fine; I’d prefer something to be wrong so it can be fixed rather than niggling problems that won’t go away. While it is possible, maybe even probable that the tingling down my left side is somatic (basically anxiety caused) GP insists I see a neurologist to rule out MS and a couple of other things I didn’t remember because I’ve never heard of them. I’m completely un-worried, even if I had a massive inoperable brain tumour, I wouldn’t give a damn because it would bring death closer. MS would suck, it shortens your life anywhere from a bit to a lot, but in the mean time it destroys you. My Grandad’s first wife had MS, it caused her to choke on her food and that’s how she died. GP is still trying to get me a private admission, she’s making four calls tonight and if they fail there is the option of going public, but that’s really only for crisis containment, they don’t do anything to make you better, just protect you from yourself. I might need to do that, it’s getting tiring constantly fighting the urges, it’s only a matter of time before I give up.

Valium, I missed you

After a few months off the stuff, Valium sure kicks arse!

Snot and Hills

L came over tonight and I cooked a full meal for maybe the third time this year, it was good too. I’m suddenly full of a cold, it came during the night and cold and flu tablets are doing nothing at all for it. I spoke to the hospital today and in their words ‘it will be a couple of weeks’ until I get a new psychiatrist and they can’t admit me before then. I’ve asked my GP to put me on bed brokers if she can – I only left a message for her, so I don’t know what the answer is, but they can get you a private bed anywhere and set you up with a psych, they did it for a friend with only a few days to wait. I’m not too desperate for an admission, which is why I haven’t been carted off to a public hospital, but I think I’d benefit from one at the moment as I’m having huge mood dives, strong impulses, increased anxiety and I’m still having trouble sleeping. It would be nice to make a significant improvement before next semester starts; I’m doing at least two subjects and need to maintain a distinction (preferably HD) average.

I’ve just been poking around on realestate.com, I wish I could afford a helicopter and rental for multiple helipads in areas I frequent. I found several properties in the hills I would love to live in and the rent is so cheap; but in such beautiful surrounds and with a huge drive to get anywhere I’d quickly give in to my inner hermit and never be seen by anyone. Maybe my move to the hills will have to wait until I have a man to push me out the door and someone has been kind enough to give me their helicopter (and flying lessons, helipads, fuel).

To Do List:

Find a man

Become best friends with a dissatisfied helicopter owner

(or) Get ridiculously rich and buy a helicopter

Get a job

Learn to fly

Find beautiful property

Purchase animals for menagerie

Have a throne made so I can survey my property and animals in comfort and style

Crawling

I got a lovely email at 5am from my lecturer asking for the part of the final assignment I hadn’t handed in, my favourite part being “it doesn’t have to be very good, you’re only a few marks away from a HD anyway” and that’s without the whole assignment! I wrote it in an hour and a half whilst playing with S. I’ve never written a script treatment before (or read one) so hopefully it’s enough to get those extra few marks for a HD.

GP called about an hour ago, as predicted she couldn’t get me a private admission without a private psych to admit me, she asked if I thought I was bad enough to go public, I said no, I think I’d rather be left to my own devices than go there again. It shouldn’t be long before I have a new private psych, but once I’ve been accepted it might be a little wait for my first appointment, and even then I might get another who doesn’t admit BPD scum like me!

I met a staghound crossed with a golden retriever today, he took my breath away. Rico is great and all, but my heart really belongs to the giant dogs. Great Dane, Staghound, Saluki, Irish Wolfhound; I’d gladly own a few of each when I have my massive house, a good million acres and servants to care for my menagerie.

A Watched Phone Never Rings

I got to sleep at 6am after many hours spent resisting the valium stockpile.

I’m still in my pyjamas, it’s 6:30pm.

Not one peep out of my phone.

Rico smells.

Here we go Again

My depression is worsening. I’m permanently holding back tears for no reason. My GP will be calling around tomorrow to try and get me a private admission. Everything has got on top of me and I want nothing more than to take all my valium and cut my throat, but there is enough desire not to do that to make me seek help, I’ve done my bit by asking, it’s now the systems turn.

For Want of a...

My favourite side effect of Lovan (that’s the antidepressant) is loss of libido; it completely eliminates it and makes life for a single woman so much easier. It’s back and I don’t want it! I’m almost tempted to increase my dose just so I get the side effect back and also to upset my stomach again so I can’t eat and keep losing weight – I’ve stagnated at -11kg. I am currently attracted to one man, who I’d say is in my league, but I think he deserves better than a scarred, insane, sometimes suicidal, B.P.D girl; I was thinking about that last night and realised that all I really deserve is an unemployed drunken abusive lout - they say girls marry similar to their father (though mine is a hard worker). Life with me is going to be a punishment, the man I like deserves reward; a man like my father deserves me. It almost makes sense to give up the faith, give up the idea of monogamy and shag whoever I please, I could never do that, but I wonder if the end result may be better.

Insomnia is not a Toothless Hound

I had a job interview this morning, I had to cancel it due to another bad night’s sleep and general melancholy. It would have been a good job for me, it was a barista role for a hospitality agency, meaning I can accept shifts when I’m well and turn them down when I want to die, making it to the interview would have been a good start.

Whatever is causing the tingling on my left side is getting worse, my face and arm feel awful. I’m not going to the GP for the third time in five days, it’ll wait until my appointment on Tuesday, hopefully I haven’t had a stroke by then! I’m having some guests over tomorrow and need to spend today intensively cleaning my house; Rico has been dragging dirty water in with him and pawing at the windows, the place looks like a squat and smells like one too, thanks to his muddy swimming shenanigans.

I submitted my script last night with five minutes to spare; then I discovered I’d missed part B of the assignment, a treatment of the script. We never went over this in class, I’ve never written one and really can’t be bothered, but I have to. It looks easy enough, I just have no motivation and I can’t find an example for the stage, it seems to be more of a screen thing. I suppose I can do that between cleaning carpets, windows and everything else today. I want a maid.

Rain and Long Haired Dogs

Rico just had his first walk since Sunday partly due to my knee injury, partly due to the rain. It’s bad enough when he comes inside after 30 seconds in the garden for a wee, but with those hairy paws collecting every drop of water they touch, walking in the rain is not something I’m keen to do with him. Because I’m not supposed to walk too much until GP has decided what’s wrong with my knee, I took him to a local sports oval which is fully fenced -cocker spaniels in general have terrible road sense – I realised as we left that it doubles as a flood basin; that would explain why he had a nice muddy swim in the middle of the field! I think it’s time to buy him some doggy gumboots. I walked two laps of the oval and shouldn’t have, my knee is in agony and I don’t have any ibuprofen in the house, paracetamol does nothing for it.

I have one monologue left to write and then I’m finished with uni for the semester, it should only take an hour to write and then another hour to clean up the rest of the script. I saw the new psychologist today, she’s lovely and I really like the clinic, it’s a beautiful old house decorated like a grandma’s place, very cosy. Of course though things can’t be perfect... She’s pregnant, so can only see me for a few months, if I get into the October DBT intake that’ll be okay though  because they ask you to stop seeing your own psychologist.

If you prayed for me, thanks! I slept 8-9 hours the night before last and got some sleep last night too. 

184

I saw my psychiatrist for (hopefully) the last time today, it turns out that whoever spoke to my GP was quite wrong about him having to handball me, it’s got nothing to do with him. So I travelled 50 minutes each direction, on loud public transport for what ended up being a five minute appointment then I got home to find that Rico had been dancing in the rain and had torn the laundry apart. I got to spend my afternoon reassembling the laundry and bathing the disgusting creature responsible for its destruction. Drying a dog over a heating vent is challenging, I’ll have to buy him a hairdryer – I don’t use one because I have curly hair, and drying it makes it into an afro-like mess.

I saw my poor GP yesterday, and then again tonight, she’s going to call the hospital tomorrow for another attempt at getting me a psychiatrist. I also get blood tests to find out why my left side went numb for hours last night and then a CT scan if the blood is fine. I’ve had so many brain scans I should be able to draw it from memory by now – not that I can draw, nor did I pay any attention to the images. I’ve also got the CAT team on my case, I was supposed to give GP my valium stockpile but I didn’t so she called them...

If you’re the praying type here’s my needs: my knee is ruined from that fall last week, insomnia persists, this combined with the other issues is sending me crazier and I can’t cope with another psychiatrist rejection. I’ve been writing a post in response to a reader’s question, but it’s massive and I’m deciding what to do with it; split it up or cut it down.

Tweet

There are about 40 trees in my parents’ suburb, half of which are in their back garden. I couldn’t sleep again last night, it was about 5am when I drifted off and not long after that when I woke again to the sound of birdsong – a strange occurrence in this part of Melbourne. As nice as it was to listen to the birds, their song brought unwelcome memories of being at M’s house in the hills; where there was very little time without the sounds of nature dancing in my ears; birds all day – especially in the morning, frogs at night, creaking trees every time the wind so much as thought about blowing (and the peaceful candlelit games nights brought by rolling blackouts caused by said trees). I miss those days.

Raw Chicken is bad for Your Tummy

Insomnia persists; it’s great being at my parents not having to worry about anything, but I’m going home tomorrow because I have a week full of appointments in the East, plus we get along better when there’s some distance between us! Only three days until the dreaded psychiatrist appointment; I don’t think he’ll refuse to refer me to someone else, but my lovely mind is coming up with all sorts of scenarios, I guess the one requiring the worst luck will win – seems to be the pattern. I haven’t been writing as much this week because there’s nothing to say except my head hurts and I want some sleep, so I’ll leave you with that.

Good iz Me

I iz a good riter, yes? Yes! Over the last three days I’ve spent a total of 2.5 hours on my script, that’s pretty slack, but Mr lecturer dude and da klass loved it. I’ll stop the spelling and grammar errors here, it doesn’t suit me. For the first time since starting this project I’m actually thinking of producing it, I could enter it in Short and Sweet but I would have to enter as an independent theatre company if I want to direct it myself, or surrender directing rights to whichever short and sweet director chooses it (if any). So who wants to be in my theatre company? I found out today that I can start my PhD much sooner than I thought, I just have to do six coursework subjects, swap to research and then ask to have my project upgraded to PhD – that means making it a bigger project, but since I already had a small one and  a large one in mind, that’s no problem.

I fell over on my doorstep Monday afternoon, there is a narrow ramp and my foot slipped off the edge, I landed strangely and hurt my knee and back, I think the knee will stick around for a while. That’s two falls in two days, I fell very ungracefully at church Sunday night, walking from carpet onto hard floor in new boots with slippery heels, thankfully there was a chair next to me which I was able to grab hold of and slow the fall. Insomnia is back in all its glory, the last five nights have been awful, Sunday night / Monday morning I fell asleep around 5am, woke about 8, slept for a half an hour and then woke after a very realistic dream in which I’d confronted the housemate we don’t like and thought it had really happened. Eventually I got up at 1pm after on and off sleep. I’m staying at my parents’ for a while because it’s hard to look after yourself on no sleep, I need to go to their GP tomorrow and ask for Imovane; that’s the sleeper which gave me hallucinations last time I took it, but I’m quite sure that was because of Lamictal, I’d taken Imovane previously without any issues. Rico is here with me, he’s great with the cats, they’re still pretty scared though.